Page 126 of Tendu: Dancing in the Castle

I recognized the large soft jumper that belonged to Holly. It made me want to cry. It was perfect to fit over the bandages and cast, albeit terribly painful to maneuver into.

“You had a dislocated shoulder,” explained the younger nurse. “It’ll be bruised inside.”

I sat on a chair while they changed the bedsheets. They left. I stood. I remembered more things. Impossible things. The new bedding was impossible to pull back. Everything impossible. Everything wrong and mad and, just no. None of this could be happening.

The door opened. I jumped. It hurt. But then it was so good to see hairy Will. I leant against him and inhaled. How could such a comforting aroma have ever been annoying? He turned back the covers on the bed like a superhero.

“I saw you climbing through the floor of that room,” I told him. “The one we got locked in. You cut your arm.”

He regarded me silently as I prattled on and on about things I suspected only he would understand or believe. The stone that had to go back to the circle, the golden lady, and the amalgamation that was evil.

We were both so tired. “Lie down, Will. Be safe here with me.” I rested my head on his chest in the bed and, snuggled like children, we slept.

He was awake when I opened my eyes. “I better go, Malph. Zolotov’ll do his nut if he finds me here.”

“Oh.” I eased tentatively into a sitting position. “Why?”

“He wouldn’t let me in before, said you shouldn’t be bothered by too many visitors. Had to wait till he’d gone out.”

It didn’t make sense. Justin had been here, so why couldn’t Will be?

“Fuck,” he said as the door opened.

In they all came, Holly too.

“You have waked,” said Aleks, looking at Will with clear annoyance.

I shot the sentiment straight back at him, and something happened at the base of my skull. It didn’t exactly hurt but it was unpleasant, a rusty grind that started the music of Amalgamation C playing in some deep place in my head. A film reel initiated:Aleks and Michelle, the Movie. I could do nothing to stop its surround-sound progression through my brain.

“All right?” asked Will, touching my face which was vaguely soothing but didn’t change the vile inner view. I held on to his hand to make sure he didn’t go. Everyone else was too loud. Holly said she would stay for the police interview, as it would be good for me to have another woman present. Aleks was determined it should be him that stayed.

“Neither,” I said, way too loudly. “No one. I’ll do it on my own.”

My head ached. The dreadful inner film had almost finished its second playing, Aleks declaring Michelle to be so beautiful. I ignored the high-volume protestations from my friends and insisted that they all go, even Will. I didn’t want any of them to hear any of it.

The police arrived in the room in due course. They knew everything. She’d filmed it all, and they had the footage. So why I had to go through every detail with them was a mystery. The cross examination from the lead detective about what Michelle had been playing on the screens was excruciating. That was the bit they hadn’t seen. The internal show had stopped when the others left, but the reminder was distressing. I gave up the information in the end; battling with the man was as useless as trying to fight Michelle while chained to a wall. There was mention of trauma counselling and other so-called help that I knew wouldn’t help.

Exhaustion, both mental and physical, set in properly after that. Not that I cared. Nothing mattered anymore. Aleks’s presence always triggered the ultimate cinematic experience in my mind, but it didn’t really upset me. After a while Amalgamation C would speed up, and my head would begin to ache. I told him I needed to be alone. Time went by in a blur of avoidance, feigned sleep and general aggravation.

Everyone and everything irritated: Holly bringing food that I couldn’t eat; Aleks being in the room; not being able to lie in bed and sleep with Will because it was inappropriate, and all the get-well cards from students at the castle. They’d been told that the floor had caved in, and Michelle and I had been trapped and injured in a terrible accident. The truth about me, what had been done to me, was too unspeakable to tell.

“You’ve got to speak to him,” said Justin, and I knew he meant Aleks.

“I do speak to him.” I did, as little as possible, and mainly to tell him to go away, the look on his face touching me not at all. He’d given up trying to actually touch me.

“You don’t,” said Justin. “But I mean about what happened. We overheard the police saying something about weaponised assault. It’s destroying him.”

“Really? It wasn’t that fun for me either. You know, being assaulted with weapons.”

“Phi…”

“So what do you suggest, Justin? That I tell him how she cut me up with a knife to take a blood sample? That’ll make him feel better, will it? Maybe he’d enjoy hearing about the film she showed me of him and her having sex? If you want him to know, you tell him.”

He was speechless for a second before the door opened to admit Will and Aleks. As ever, the slow grind of cinematic spool started up inside my head. I told them all to go out to dinner.

Peace at last.

I pushed congealed and questionable food around on a plate. What was the point of eating? What was the point of anything? There I sat in a comfortable bed, all bandaged up and looked after. Somewhere, out in the world, in lots of places, assaults and beatings and cruel abuses were taking place. Some of it was happening to small children. So many vulnerable people were at risk from malevolent individuals who lurked everywhere.

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