Page 107 of Tendu: Dancing in the Castle

On his elbows, he kissed my mouth as we joined in gentleness. Our eyes locked. I wrapped limbs around him. Little golden lights rained down upon us in celestial celebration, as if from the sky, as if they had fallen through the ceiling window. We lay silent and close and protected in their starry glow.

My hand slid from his chest to his back as he leant away from me on the bed. I felt his buttock, his thigh, his knee, beautiful parts of Aleks all. He fed me cold water, then brushed my lips with his thumb. I leant my head on his shoulder as he drank, my fingers tracing trails through the sweat on his chest.

“Come, not get cold.” He’d spoken. Everyday words of reality might call back unpleasant facts. The blankets he was arranging over us wouldn’t keep them out. His strong arms might, my head in his neck, nestled and safe and home.

“Is time for me to speak my heart to you,” he said.

He sat up. I sat up. He held my hands. I studied his fingertips.

“Is difficult, Malphia, like being in new country, not know language or how to be. At twenty, I would have run miles if someone had said these things to me.” He paused. “I love you.”

I braced for a ‘but.’

“I want to spend my life with you. I know this since the Christmas party.”

Emotion wouldn’t settle. Happy and astonished quickly morphed into disbelieving and confused. “I thought you were going to break up with me,” I told him.

“I know. I am hearing you speak to Will about this.”

“Oh.” A blank moment preceded realisation. “And you didn’t put me right. Because I was right.”

His eyes closed as if in pain. “It is for the best.”

Oh. No. I couldn’t do this again. Couldn’t be here. So I just ran. Up the stairs this time.

My own pillow, in my own room, bore the brunt of rage and sorrow until he came in and sat down on the bed. I froze like a trapped wild creature, as if stillness could prevent further hurt.

“I am almost forty years old,” he said. “I have a condition that is often degenerative. You know what this means?”

I looked round at him as he went on.

“I could be incapacitated, in a wheelchair, fit for nothing.”

“You would hate that,” I said. “Though you could never be ‘fit for nothing.’” I lifted the blankets, and we both lay under them, facing one another on the battered pillows.

“But you understand?” he asked, touching my cheek.

“That you’re being extraordinarily precious, yes.”

“Is no life for you.”

“I’d be great. I’m practical.”

“This is not the point. You have the talent, the passion, to make whatever you want of your life. You should not be a nurse to an old man. I might not even be able to make love to you.”

“There are many ways to make love, Aleks. Being disabled, or different, makes life harder in specific ways, but it doesn’t mean there’s less capacity for joy. Or love.”

“You have not heard all,” he said, voice heavy and serious. “Last night, I am knowing I should let you believe the lipstick thing. After such a betrayal, we would be truly finished, and would that not be best for you? But then, the selfish part of me told you the truth, and tried to put it right. Because I had this idea, that in years, if I am staying well, I would find you again—”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

He raised his eyebrows.

“We’d only be together if you were well? You’ve said before that we have a strong connection. It’s true. I know when you’re ill; it’s just the most terrible out-of-place feeling, and I have to be with you. This half-baked choice you’re making for me wouldn’t change that. And what were the other details of the plan?” I demanded. “Were you going to marry some beautiful, sophisticated blonde woman? Because she’ll be useless.” I sat up, already loathing the imagined person, ignoring his denial of her. “I could train as a nurse and turn up as if expected. Blondie won’t care or question. Don’t worry, I’d wait for her to go shoe shopping before giving you a blow-job.”

“Malphia,” he said, wavering between laughter and disapproval.

“This better not be a game, Aleks, or some weird way of letting me down gently. I asked you to be honest.”

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