Page 38 of No Rules

“Good. Hot and humid, but it was lovely to see my mom and sister.”

“Did she have a good birthday?”

“I think so.” Ryan grinned. “She said the two of us being there was all the birthday gift she needed, but I still got her a pair of AirPods. She loves listening to audiobooks on her walks, and she was still using an old-fashioned set of earbuds.”

“Oh, I’m sure she’ll love that.” He waved at the others as they walked out, already done with their breakfast, then refocused on Ryan. “Do you miss it? Austin, I mean?”

“Some of it. My mom and sister, of course. Not the weather though. Fall here is much better. But the food, for sure. Can’t get decent Tex-Mex anywhere here.”

He was sharing more than he ever had. At some point, he’d shut down again, but Alex couldn’t help but push a little harder. He so desperately wanted to get to know him, understand him. “Why’d you leave?”

Ryan was quiet for the longest time. He set his fork down and looked directly into Alex’s eyes. “It’s…complicated.”

Alex held his breath. If he talked now, he’d lose him. That much he knew. But if he stayed silent, maybe Ryan would…

“I lost my boyfriend,” Ryan said after the heaviest silence in history. “His name was Quinton.”

His boyfriend? “What happened?”

“I arrested a guy for murder, and his family swore revenge. They wanted to hurt me where it would hit me the hardest, and so instead of going after me, they killed Quinton. He…he was killed because of me.”

Alex’s heart clenched at the raw emotion in Ryan’s words, and he reached across the table, placing his hand on Ryan’s. “I’m so sorry, Ryan.”

Much to his surprise, Ryan allowed the contact and didn’t pull back. “He was also my submissive, so I failed as a boyfriend and a Dom. I found him… God, Alex, the blood… I’d seen murder countless times before, and I thought I’d become numb to it, but seeing him was… All I could think was that it should have been me. He paid the price for something I did. This guy’s family warned me during the investigation that I should back off or I would regret it. I’m not saying I didn’t take it seriously, but I never expected that, you know? They ruthlessly went after the person I loved the most.”

“Jesus, Ryan…” Alex breathed out. “How do you even begin to cope with something like that?”

“You don’t.” Ryan tightened his grip around his coffee mug. “You just carry it with you every goddamn day. It’s why I left the force and became a PI. Why I stopped being a Dom. Why I left Austin. Everything there reminded me of how I had failed him. As a cop, as a boyfriend, as a Dom…I couldn’t keep him safe.”

The puzzle pieces shifted into place, and Alex understood what he couldn’t grasp before. Telling Ryan he wasn’t to blame for what had happened was senseless, so he didn’t even try. “How long were you guys together?”

“Five years. And you know what’s worse? No one outside of my family knew Quinton was my boyfriend. I didn’t want the hassle of having to deal with the inevitable jokes and homophobic barbs from my coworkers, so I never told anyone. He was my dirty secret, but when he died, it turned out they all knew, but no one had said anything ‘cause I’d never officially come out. How sad is that?”

“Oh, Ryan…”

“They found him by tailing me. Out of caution, I had moved into a motel temporarily, and we had my mom and sister under protective surveillance. Quinton was staying with his parents for the time being, but he missed me. Even though I told him not to, he came to visit me one night at the motel… They must’ve followed him straight home, and when his parents went to work the next day, they…” His voice shook. “They killed him. All he wanted was to be with me, and in the end, that’s what got him killed.”

Alex didn’t think but got up, parked himself on Ryan’s lap, and wrapped his arms around him. Ryan froze but then hugged him back, burying his face against Alex’s neck. Alex had broken through Ryan’s walls, but the truth he’d been hiding was so much worse than Alex could’ve imagined. After losing his boyfriend like that, it made sense for Ryan to close himself off. Who’d willingly open themselves up again for heartbreak? No, Alex understood.

But any hope that whatever Ryan would confess would make Alex see him in a different light had been in vain. He still wanted Ryan to do with him as he pleased. He still wanted Ryan to use him. And he still wanted Ryan to be his Dom.

Maybe even more.

12

Fuck, he should never have told Alex about Quinton. Ryan stared at himself in the mirror after brushing his teeth. He couldn’t believe he’d opened up like that. What had come over him? He knew better, goddammit. Now, Alex would never view him the same again.

Though the way he’d climbed onto Ryan’s lap had been sweet and oddly comforting. Ryan had never been a cuddle person, but that had been…good. He’d needed that, and he hadn’t even realized until he’d given in to the urge to hug Alex back. They’d sat like that for a long time, everyone else leaving them alone, and then Ryan had mumbled some stupid excuse and had hightailed it out of there.

Alex had texted him later that day, asking if he should keep in the plug, and Ryan—coward that he was—had told him he could take it out whenever he wanted. He should’ve done that himself, of course. If nothing else, Alex had deserved that. Hell, Ryan should’ve never inserted it in the first place, but all he’d been able to think about on the plane ride home was how much he’d missed Alex. He’d been possessed by this strange need to claim him, let Alex know he was Ryan’s—which was such bullshit, Ryan didn’t even know where to begin.

And now he had to face him again. Hell, he had to spend the whole day with him. How awkward would that get? Would Alex now expect Ryan to be open like that all the time? If so, he was in for a rude awakening. Ryan might’ve had amomentthat morning, a temporary lapse of judgment, but he didn’t do soft and squishy. And if Alex thought Ryan had changed, well, he was about to find out he hadn’t.

But when he got into the car, Alex behaved normally, not different from any previous time they’d shared a ride. They talked about the case and what they were expecting from their conversation with Nathan. And by the time they arrived at the racetrack, Ryan’s emotional moment from that morning seemed like a distant memory. One he was all too eager to forget. Thank fuck for that.

The gravel crunched beneath their feet as they approached the security booth. The same burly guard they’d talked to the previous time stood with his arms crossed over his chest.

“We’re here to see Nathan Harker.”

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