Page 72 of Confessions of a Christmasholic

She squeezed his hard thigh. So she wasn’t the only one who’d been through the emotional meat-grinder this Christmas.

‘She did what she did, but I don’t need to keep punishing her, and myself, and living in the past. Kate’s memory will live on, I will make sure it lives on, for the twins, but I don’t need to keep up the charade of being Mr Christmas or running the Christmas shop.’

No, he didn’t. She was so glad he’d realised that. Sutton wondered how she would fit into his new life but was too scared to ask him. She didn’t want to spoil what had been a wonderful day by talking about their future, and whether they could have one. She didn’t think they could, not yet anyway. She needed to go home, and apply for her visa so she could take the London job; she’d regret it if she didn’t. She loved him, she loved the twins, but she owed it to herself to take the wonderful opportunity she’d been offered. She’d sacrificed so much – this was her turn, her time.

Then again, love like this, a connection like they had, was rare and amazing and she didn’t know if she’d experience it again. Would she walk away from all they could be for a career move?

Oh, God, she didn’t know what to do!

He smiled and bent his head to kiss the side of her mouth. ‘Breathe, Sutt.’

Sutton hauled in some air, felt it burn and nodded. She blinked rapidly and turned her head away to look at the imposing house, smoke billowing from its chimney. They’d have drinks in the green room, the room with the Reynolds painting on the wall, and then they’d eat in the dining room, sitting at the sixteen-seater table, joined by various friends of Moira’s and Gus’s. Roaring fires would ensure they didn’t end up with frostbite as they ate their turkey…

‘Sutton…’

She turned back to Gus and frowned at the set of keys dangling off his finger. It was the same set of house keys he’d handed her the day he employed her as his nanny. He hadn’t removed the colourful wire giraffe she’d slid onto the keyring to liven it up a bit. A tiny torch also hung from the key ring. He flicked it on, then off. It emitted quite a powerful beam for an itty-bitty thing. ‘Take this.’

He pushed the keys into her hand and closed her fingers over them. She licked her lips, trying to find moisture in her mouth. ‘Why are you giving me a set of house keys, Gus?’ she asked.

‘Because I want you to think of my house as yours, and the torch is so you can always find your way back to me.’

Her eyes slammed into his. She understood the individual words but couldn’t work out their context. ‘Um…sorry?’

He rested his arm on the back of the bench but lifted his hand to her face. His knuckles drifted over her cheekbone. ‘You have the most expressive face, Sutt, I can read every emotion in your eyes. You’re sitting there wondering what you have to give up, aren’t you?’

She tried to swallow the lump in her throat. ‘I want to take this job, Gus, but I want to be with you too.’

‘So, take the job, and be with me,’ he told her. ‘It’s not like you’ll be in Cape Town and I’ll be here, Sutton. We’ll be a few hours, not a continent, apart.’

When he put it like that… ‘I might not be able to make it here every weekend, sometimes it might be during the week,’ she told him. ‘I have no idea what my schedule will be like, Gus.’

‘Sutt, as long as we areonyour schedule, I’m okay with whatever time you can give us.’ He caught her wince and tipped his head to the side. ‘Something I said made you feel uncomfortable. What is it?’

Sutton considered ignoring his question but then remembered grownups talked, they didn’t avoid difficult subjects. She put her hands between her knees, wrinkled her nose and rocked back and forth. ‘I love your kids, Gus, I do. But, God, how do I say this?’

‘Say what, Sutton?’

The words gushed out of her, as if saying them fast would make less of an impact. ‘I need to tell you I’m not ready to be their mum, Gus, I’m not ready to beamum. I mean, I’m not saying I’ll never be, I’m just not readynow.’

He didn’t look even a little bit surprised. ‘I know you’re not, Sutton. And I don’t need someone to help me raise them, I think I’m doing okay on my own.’

‘Yes, of course you are,’ she assured him, feeling like this conversation was getting away from her. ‘It’s just that…crap.’

‘But you’re not ready to be their mum,’ he stated. ‘Sutton, it’sfine.’

‘It is?’ she asked, pulling a tissue from her coat pocket to wipe her drippy nose.

‘Can you be their friend, Sutton? Can you be another person who loves them?’ he asked.

How could he doubt that? ‘I can, I do and I am!’ she cried.

‘Then that’s more than enough, Sutt. You’re enough. Exactly as you are, you’re enough,’ he told her, his serious eyes not leaving her face. He bent his head to kiss her mouth, then pulled back to look into her eyes. ‘Can I confess something?’

She already knew his Christmas related secret, so she smiled. ‘You thought I was hot the moment you saw me? Do you secretly love my singing? You really want to learn how to do the ‘Pink Shoelaces’ dance?’

‘I did think you were hot, your singing causes cats to howl, and I’d rather die than learn that dance,’ he replied, happiness turning his eyes lighter and brighter. He looked at her mouth, his gaze rueful. ‘No, my confession is that you’ve turned my life upside down and inside out. I think I’m falling for you, Sutt.’

Sutton smiled at him, hope and happiness blooming. She lifted her fingers to touch his jaw. ‘IknowI’ve fallen for you, Gus.’ She smiled against his lips. ‘Merry Christmas, Mr Christmas. Thanks for rescuing me that night.’

---