Page 70 of Confessions of a Christmasholic

Sutton saw her wan face reflected in the window, her swollen eyes reflecting her profound confusion. How had they come to this? She rested her head against the cold glass and wrapped her arms around her chest, her head a hundred pounds heavier than it was when she made this same journey earlier. Her shoulders sagged lower, and she clenched her fists tightly, banging them softly against her thighs.

She was going back to Conningworth, in a worse state than when she’d left. And looking worse too. But this time it was by choice, it was her choice to go back to Gus, to re-enter his life, sober this time. Sutton bit her lip. She was wasting a week’s accommodation in London, giving up her tickets toAbba VoyageandTheBook of Mormon, wasting the London Pass. But money, usually so important to her, didn’t matter.

She needed Gus. She suspected she always would.

Nobody got her like Gus, physically, mentally or emotionally. She saw him and her body said, ‘Yes, please, take me to bed.’ Oh, it was easy to objectify him. He was a good-looking guy and she had, she presumed, a healthy sex drive, but her feelings for Gus went deeper than that. He walked into the room and her restless soul nodded, able to relax knowing he was near. Wherever he was, was where she wanted to be…

But, because this was real life and not a romantic comedy, it wasn’t as simple as that. Gus might be single, but he had twins to raise and responsibilities in Conningworth. She wanted to be with him, and he, maybe, wanted to see more of her but…but their lives were complicated.

A simple solution for them to be together would be for her to find a job somewhere in the area. She could rent a flat in Conningworth, or a neighbouring village, so she could be close to Gus. But whether she could find a job, and whether her prospective employees wanted to hire her enough to go through the irritation of sponsoring her to stay in the UK was a big question mark.

The thing was, she still really wanted to work for Anders, to take up her job as an occupational therapist at Fort Johns Hospital. It was an opportunity she shouldn’t pass up, a gold star on her resume. It was a way to gain experience in a field she truly loved. Staying around here, even if Gus wanted her to, would mean making a hell of a sacrifice. Did she love Gus – and yes, it was time to stop pretending she wasn’t in love with the man! – enough to do that?

She did love him. No more doubts.

But if she gave up her dreams to be with him, wasn’t she in danger of sliding into the same situation she’d just managed to extricate herself from? With Layla, it was all about her – Sutton had chosen to study at the University of Cape Town because Layla didn’t want her at Stellenbosch University, only forty minutes away. She’d initially wanted to travel for a year, but Layla talked her into only going for six months. She’d wanted to stay at home with her mum while she studied, but Layla insisted on her sharing a flat, which meant she needed to earn her portion of the rent, food and utilities. She’d allowed herself to be pushed around by Layla, so scared she’d lose her friendship if she didn’t kowtow to her demands. She’d lost sight of her dreams, desires, values. Was she in danger of doing the same with Gus? Of being less, doing less, remoulding herself and her life to make sure the person she loved was happy? Was she exchanging one unbalanced relationship for another?

And Sutton couldn’t forget that Gus came as a package deal. Being in his life would mean taking on the twins, something she still wasn’t keen to do, not if she didn’t have to, and not full-time. Was she allowed to feel that way? Could she love Gus and not want to be a full-time stepmum yet? She loved the twins and was sure she’d get there one day, but she wasn’t there yet. Could one exist without the other? Sutton didn’t know…and she was scared to find out.

Another tear rolled from the corner of her eye, and Sutton impatiently brushed it away. She was tired and overly emotional. She could also be overreacting. Gus telling her to return to Conningworth could be just him being nice, and she might be reading too much into him sliding a train ticket into her rucksack pocket. He liked her, and enjoyed her in bed, but he was a grown man and she doubted he’d ask any woman to stick around after just knowing her a month. She was misinterpreting his offer to spend Christmas with them. She was setting herself up to experience more heartbreak.

Just calm the hell down, Alsop. Take it minute by minute, day by day. Stop projecting and stop expecting. Your heart can only take so much kicking around and it would need time – ten years, twenty? – to recover.

She glanced at her watch. An hour to go.Pull yourself together, woman!And it would also be super-great if you could stop crying before you reach Kendal.

* * *

Sutton wrestled her rucksack off the train, stomping her feet as the wind whistled down the platform. The train was packed, and the platform heaved with people, all trying to get home for Christmas. Where was home? What did the concept mean? Did it mean less to some than it did to others?

Annoyed with herself – she always got too philosophical when she was upset – she looked around, unable to see Gus. Her heart sank as she hauled her pack onto her shoulder. She was about to slide her other arm under the strap when she felt the weight removed. Turning slowly, she looked up into his gorgeous but frowning face and tried to smile. ‘Hi.’

‘You look like shit,’ he told her, touching the tip of his bare finger to her cheek. Awesome,justwhat she needed to hear.

‘I feel like shit,’ she admitted. ‘Go on, I know you want to say I told you so. Here’s your chance.’

‘I told you so.’ He snapped out the words and Sutton sighed. Then she caught the sympathy in his intense eyes and realised he was upset at her being upset.

Sutton, needing to be close to him, to soak up his strength, because her legs felt like noodles and her head was about to split open, rested her forehead on his chest and placed her arms around his waist. ‘I’m going to be pathetic and just rest here a minute,’ she told him.

His free hand cupped the back of her head. ‘Rest away,’ he told her. After twenty seconds of his fingers gently massaging her scalp, his rumbly voice rolled over her. ‘Did you give her the boot?’ he demanded.

She gulped at the enormity of her actions. But funnily enough, she didn’t doubt she’d done the right thing. ‘I did.’

‘Good,’ Gus told her. ‘I didn’t know if you would.’

She pulled back to look at him, leaving one hand on his chest. Did he really think she was so weak? That she’d allow Layla to keep treating her badly? ‘I might be a bit of a pushover, Gus, but I reached my limit.’

He nodded and hauled her rucksack over his shoulder. Sutton followed him through the station building, sucking in needle-sharp air. She’d kill for a cup of coffee laced with whisky. ‘I’m sorry to pull you away from your Christmas Eve festivities,’ she told him, hurrying to keep up with his long strides. ‘How was the carol service on the green?’

‘Cold,’ Gus replied.

‘Are the twins mad with excitement?’

‘Mm. If I have to stop what I am doing or saying again because they’re positive they heard the jingle of sleighbells, I might lose my shit. Moira and Will and Eli are on twin duty,’ he said, nodding to his car. He opened the boot and threw her rucksack in it before yanking open her door. She climbed in and turned to look at him, standing in the space between the door and her. ‘Get in, Rudolph.’

She glared at him and touched her red nose. She knew she looked a mess, he didn’t need to point it out. ‘Funny. But I’ve had a very hard day,’ she told him.

His expression softened. ‘I know you have. And I think you look cute with piggy eyes and a blotchy face.’

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