Page 64 of Confessions of a Christmasholic

She took a sip, and Gus sat on the couch behind her, his knee brushing her back. He leaned forward and picked up the heavy rubber dinosaur. ‘Felix will love that.’

She half turned to face him and grinned. ‘Actually, that’s for you.’

He poked the dinosaur’s face into her neck and Sutton squealed as the cold rubber hit her skin. She batted the toy away. ‘How was business at the shop?’

‘Good,’ Gus replied, before grimacing. ‘Though I did have various people pop in to see if my sweater was PG-appropriate.’

The day after the Christmas market, some wag – Sutton’s money was on Eli, though he’d vociferously denied it – posted a headless polaroid photograph on the corkboard in the pub that served as one of the town’s off-line noticeboards. Gus’s X-rated jersey was on display and ‘Mr Christmas is on the naughty list’ was neatly printed on the white border. Mmm, the handwriting was a little feminine…Moira? She wouldn’t put it past her either.

‘Fucking Eli,’ Gus muttered.

Sutton grinned. She was going to miss the little eccentricities of this village: that the villagers gently teased Gus, that every adult was partaking in a Secret Santa £5 present swap – she’d drawn Emily, a teacher’s aide at the twins’ school – and that the village took Christmas so seriously. She loved how much they adored their Mr Christmas and his little family. And how protective Gus was of them and Kate’s legacy. She’d miss this place, him most of all.

But she’d…God, she’d landed her dream job. She wiggled her butt on the carpet, a little like Pepper did when she was over-excited.

Gus, because he was super-perceptive, raised an eyebrow. ‘What’s going on, Sutt?’

Her glass wobbled and Gus plucked it out of her hand. Unable to keep the news to herself for one second more, she blurted it out. Gus, because he was Gus, and completely wonderful, immediately leapt to his feet and swept her off her feet and whirled her around. ‘That’s amazing, Sutt! I’m so, soproud of you!’

She looped her arms around his neck, locked her legs around his hips and laughed. ‘I am such a freaking rock star!’ she told him.

‘You really are.’ He kissed her nose, then her mouth, briefly taking the kiss deeper before pulling back. ‘I’d love to take you to bed to help you celebrate—’

She laughed. ‘Why, hownobleof you, Mr Langston!’

He grinned. ‘But there’s every chance that the kids will be back soon. So, what if we get Moira, Eli and Will over, and crack open a bottle of champagne to help you celebrate?’

‘You have champagne?’ Sutton asked. She’d never seen any in his wine rack.

‘Moira does, she lives on the stuff,’ Gus assured her. And that was just another reason to like his mother-in-law. Still holding her, his arm under her butt, Gus brushed her hair off her forehead. ‘What do you say?’

He was so happy for her, and proud of her. It radiated from his eyes, and his smile was so wide it made the fine lines at the corner of his eyes deepen. Gus was sincerely, authentically thrilled for her.

This was what she wanted from Layla but suspected she’d never get. Although she’d known him for less than a month, Gus was already a better friend than Layla. The thought rocked her. And made her so sad. Tears burned her eyes, and she buried her face in his neck, sighing when both his arms tightened around her.

He gently rubbed her back. ‘Hey, what’s this?’

She shrugged and kept her face where it was. The circles on her back continued. ‘As well as excited, you must be feeling relieved and overwhelmed, babe. You’ve had a tough couple of months, Sutt, and you’ve held it all together. Your happy tears are completely understandable.’

Yeah, happy tears. She’d let him believe that; it was far easier than telling him the truth. She was more than a little in love with him and wasn’t sure how she’d manage to walk away from him. She wanted to keep the twins, and him, in her life, but how could she do that when they’d be living in different places? Her in the city, him in the country and hours apart?

She might be crazy about him, and adored his kids, but she wasn’t ready to bury herself in a small village, to be a stepmum. Her staying in Conningworth wasn’t an option. She needed to take the Fort John position, she’d worked too hard and sacrificed too much to pivot now. She hadn’t come this far to only come this far.

She loved Gus, more than she’d loved any man before, but love wasn’t enough. Love didn’t stop her real dad from leaving, her lovely stepdad from doing the same. Her mum loved her, but that didn’t stop her from treating her as an unpaid nanny and maid. Love didn’t stop Layla from letting her down.

Sutton couldn’t cope with Gus disappointing her. She couldn’t risk letting him fully into her heart and her life, and him stomping all over both. Wasn’t leaving now, on good terms, a better option than her falling deeper and hurting more later? And it wasn’t only her who had skin in the game: she had to think of how a relationship between her and Gus would impact the twins. The kids weren’t that attached to her yet, thank God. And while Gus liked her, and he definitely liked sleeping with her, she didn’t think he’d dropped into ‘feel more for her than I should’ territory.

Honestly, being a rational, sensible and clear-thinking adult wasexhausting.

* * *

‘I think you should stay here, in Conningworth, with us,’ Gus said, his words a rumble. He leaned against the doorframe of her room and folded his big arms. Sutton sent him a glance and sighed at his stormy expression. She knew he didn’t want her to leave, but, even if she hadn’t been meeting Layla, what was the point of staying? They were just delaying the inevitable.

Sutton rolled a T-shirt and tucked it with the others next to her jeans. Her backpack was already three-quarters full. She darted a glance at Gus’s watch and saw she had an hour before her train for London left Kendal. It was a fifteen-minute ride from Conningworth to Kendal, and she still had to say goodbye to the twins.

‘I promised Layla I’d meet her in London, Gus. She’s flying in from Cape Town, we’ve booked and paid for the hotel –’ and no, Layla hadn’t paid her share of those costs, but she’d tackle her friend about that when she saw her ‘– and we have theatre tickets and plans to visit the tourist attractions.’

‘Hmpf.’

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