Page 43 of The Baby Behind Their Marriage Merger

‘Well, I didn’t, so how else did they get to hear about it?’ Jude yelled back. He shrugged and spread out his hands. ‘Look, I know how close you and Lex are, I know that you don’t keep secrets from each other, so I understand why you told her. She probably let it slip that we were married to someone—’

‘I didn’t tell anyone!’ Addi screamed, hoping that a little volume would get her message across. ‘And don’t you think that Lex asking you all those questions about our getting married is a clue that shedidn’tknow?’

He frowned, started to speak and shook his head, his frown deepening. She saw a bank-load of pennies drop and Jude ran his hands over his face. ‘Right, well... I didn’t think that through. Sorry.’

Addi threw up her hands, frustrated beyond belief. One sorry—was that it? Oh, he had to be joking. She slapped her hands on her hips. ‘No!No, you don’t get to come in here after slinging such a nasty accusation and, on realising you were wrong, fob me off with a simple “sorry”. I’mnotaccepting that.

‘And, even if I could get past that—and I can’t—how dare you accuse me of leaking the news of our marriage as pay-back for a mistake you made and apologised for? I am not that vindicative or nasty!’

He shoved an agitated hand through his hair. ‘I didn’t mean—’

‘Don’t tell me that it was the heat of the moment, that you weren’t thinking—and don’t youdaretell me you didn’t mean it. The thing is, Jude, when the chips are down, when a stressful situation happens, peopledosay what they mean—they tend to tell the truth because they don’t have time to parse their words through a filter. You meant every word you said at that moment, because you believe instinctively that I would screw you over. That I am just another woman out to hurt you.’

He didn’t reply and she was glad: she would’ve lost respect for him if he’d tried to talk his way out of what they both knew was the truth. He just looked at her, misery and a touch of defiance in his eyes.

‘Despite spending these past few weeks with me, despite our conversations and our confessions, you don’t trust me any more than when I first walked into your house and told you about the baby.’

He folded his arms across his chest and rocked from foot to foot. ‘I’ve been trying, Addi.’

‘But you can’t get there.’ Cold sadness rolled over her and it took everything she had not to drop to her knees and rest her forehead on the floor. There was no hope for them as a couple, not even a smidgeon.

She loved him, and he felt something for her, but it wasn’t enough to overcome her fear that he’d keep disappointing her in big ways and small. Jude had let her down twice now, and she did not doubt that, unless he fundamentally changed his thinking, he’d do it again.

Love couldn’t flourish where there was doubt. The two were mutually exclusive.

Jude rubbed his hand up and down his jaw. ‘We’ve only known each other a short time, Addi. I’m not used to you, not used to this. I’ve been on my own for a long time and I’ll do better.’

I’ll do better.

How many times had she heard that from Joelle, and how many times had she disappointed her? Dean had said something similar after their fights about how he couldn’t connect with the girls. Neither of them haddone better.

After not paying her lawyers, Jude had promised not to let her down again, yet here he was. Was she really going to allow the people she loved to keep disappointing her, to allow history to repeat itself?

Didn’t she deserve more? Hadn’t she promised herself that she would never put herself in this position again?

‘The man who wanted to marry me tried to love me enough, but he couldn’t get there. I grew up with a woman who promised me more than she could deliver, and who never gave me what I needed and wanted. I kept waiting, kept hoping, and every time she made me a promise and didn’t deliver I lost a piece of my soul. I won’t do that again.’

Every time Joelle let her down, she lost another chunk of respect and liking for her mother.

She didn’t want that to happen with Jude. He was going to be in her life for a long time, they were going to have a child together. She had to stop wanting, stop dreaming, and she definitely had to stop expecting him to be better. It was the only way she could see them having any type of relationship going forward.

She sucked in some air and forced down her tears. She could, and most definitely would, cry later.

‘We were going to re-evaluate our relationship anyway, so let’s just call us done, Jude,’ she told him, forcing the words over her suddenly thick tongue. ‘Let’s just live our separate lives, you in your house, me in mine. After the baby is born, we can get a divorce. All I need you to do is pay for the lawyer’s fees, as per our initial arrangement.’

‘But—what about us?’ Jude asked.

‘There is nous, Jude! There can’t be anusbecause you can’t give me what I need.’

‘And what is that, Addi, exactly?’ Jude asked, his voice low and growly with suppressed emotion. Anger or despair? She couldn’t tell. ‘Spell it out for me.’

‘I need you to love me! I need you to be part of my life, and our baby’s life, on a daily basis. I want to grow old with you and love you every minute between now and then. Because—and I hate this—I love you, Jude.’

He started to reach for her, but Addi knew that, if he touched her, her resolve would melt like sugar strands on a hot stove plate.

‘But me loving you isn’t enough for me. I did that with my mother, and it nearly killed me.’

‘Icouldlove you, Addi.’

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