Page 54 of Bind Me

“What’s your safe word?”

I groaned, grateful that she seemed to know what I needed without me having to explain.

“Aardvark.”

“And you’ll tell me if it’s too much. Don’t use me to punish yourself, Arch. This isn’t what we have. I don’t want that.”

I nodded again.

“Look at me and promise me, Archer. If you do that, you’ll ruin what we have.”

I lifted my head. “I promise.”

Walking over to the dresser drawer, Ionee took out the rope she’d bought while I was away in the US. She slipped off my t-shirt that she’d worn to bed, leaving her naked.

My numb body and my lifeless heart refused to even acknowledge her, my eyes remaining fixed on the floor.

“I’m going to tie this around your chest. It won’t touch your hands, it won’t restrict your movements in any way…”

I lifted my head. “I need something more, Nee. Please.”

“What did I just say, Arch? I won’t hurt you. That’s not what you need. You’d hate it. I won’t do that to you just so you can feel something. Let me do it my way. Trust me.”

“I trust you,” I mumbled.

“Turn around. On your knees. Give me your back.”

I did as she asked, moving slowly, as if I was wading through treacle.

Ionee shifted behind me, pulling me back slightly so my feet hung off the end of the bed. Taking the rope, she held it against my ribs, wrapping it around my body twice, tightening it against my skin, making me groan as the hard texture of the rope rubbed against me. Knotting it, she pulled the rope and did the same thing under my arms. She then split the rope, putting the two parts over my shoulders, knotting them to the horizontal ropes.

“This is called a bondage harness,” she whispered, wrapping her hand through the rope, pulling it so it tightened, making me groan again.

I couldn’t explain it. The pressure on my skin was exactly what I craved, but it wasn’t enough.

“Stand up, so I can see you,” she instructed.

I stepped back off the bed and stood before her. Running her hand over the ropes, she moaned softly. “How do you feel?”

“It’s not enough,” I admitted.

“We should start slow, Archer.”

Deflated, I slumped back to the bed, my heart racing again.

“I need you to use your words, Archer. I can’t read your mind.”

“I want you to bind me. Every inch of me. I want you to tie me up and then I want you to fuck me. I want you to prove to me that I’m not broken… that I’ve not died along with her. I feel like I’m losing my mind, Nee. I’ve looked after her for so long that I have no idea who I am and now, she’s gone and all I know is that I’m alone—”

“Hey, you are not alone. You have me. Your sisters, Charlie, Fox… you have people who love you.”

“But what if my grief suffocates me? I don’t know how to express it. I’m so used to pretending I’m okay. Putting up walls to protect the people I love. I want someone to take care of me, Nee. To show me how to get through this. To give me a way to cope because I don’t know how. The last time someone took care of me, I was seven. I don’t think my brain even knows what to do with what happened today.” I paused. “I’m scared that I’m losing my mind.”

Ionee wrapped her arms around my torso, pressing the ropes against me, holding me tight. “It’s going to take time, Archer. You won’t feel okay for a while. That’s normal. I promise.”

“But…” I wanted to argue with her and tell her how I felt is anything but normal, but I didn’t have any more words.

“But, I can help. I can give you what you want. If you’re sure.”

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