Page 15 of Every Thought Taken

“I wish you’d shut up,” I mutter as I head for the sliding glass doors.

With a softswish-swooshof the door, I step onto the back patio and sigh into the silence. Breathe easier as my eyes roam the trees and mountains. Relax more as I escape reality for a time.

Dragging one of the loungers into the yard, I park it beneath the tree at the farthest point from the house. I plop down, crack open the can, and dig into the chips. As each second passes, I feel more at ease. More comfortable.

I close my eyes and let my other senses take over. The soft rustle of leaves in the light breeze. The distant bird calls as they soar the sky. Inhaling deeply, I let the crisp, piney air fill my lungs as goose bumps prickle my skin.

And for a blip in time, I feelsomething.Alive, maybe. More than just another person existing for someone else’s benefit. More than a shadow or nuisance as I mentally scream into the silence.

We are the best of friends—me and silence. Have been for several years. Silence has never been a bother. Silence has never mistreated me or let me down. If anything, I crave silence. Solitude. Peace. If I am lucky enough to get silence outdoors, I bask in it.

Until recently.

There is only one exception to the silence. One I don’t fully understand. One I want to hold close.

The back door opens and Helena steps out, cheeks red, chest heaving, and eyes glassy.

I sit up straight, ready to go to her and ask why she is upset. But before my foot swings off the lounger, she spots me beneath the tree. Without hesitation, she crosses the yard and stands at my feet. Her brows pinch together as she rolls her lips between her teeth.

“Hey. Can I?” She looks up and loses focus in the tree foliage. Inhaling deeply, she closes her eyes. Clasps her hands at her waist and wrings her fingers. Minute-long seconds pass before she levels her gaze and swallows. “Can I sit out here with you?”

Why was that so hard for her to ask?

Scooting over, I pat the small empty space. “Sure.” I give her what feels like a smile. “You never have to ask, North.”

The corners of her mouth tip up slightly. “Thanks.” She plops down, stretches out her legs, crosses her arms over her chest, and sighs as she leans into the back cushion. “Can today end already?” She huffs with a shake of her head.

Earlier, she said today was bad. Annoying as my sister’s rant is, it is foolish of me to assume her unending blather over some guy is what has Helena upset. Helena isn’t the bubbliest person I know—that award goes to Ales—but she is a ray of sunshine in my dark world. For her light to be dimmed, it has to be something closer to her heart.

Soon as the thought hits, I mentally slap myself.

Helena is upset. Ales won’t shut up about how much some guy sucks. And I am an idiot for not putting the pieces together sooner.

I may be young and somewhat oblivious to girl drama, but I am no fool. Weird as it is, people my age hang out as more than friends all the time. Kissing and groping and bragging about it when the adults are out of earshot. It is all so… uncomfortable.

Not to say I would never kiss anyone. More like I wonder who would want to kiss me. No one wants the dorky kid with messy hair, oversized clothes, and a black heart. And if by some miracle someone did want me for me, I wouldn’t blab about us to other people. What I do is my business.

“If only it were so easy,” I say wistfully.

“Lessa means well. I know she does.” She turns her head so we are face to face. “But her rant is making it worse.” She closes her eyes and sighs. “I want to forget it happened.” Her eyes open and stare into mine. “I don’t want it to steal my happiness.”

I want to hurt anyone who steals her happiness.

“Sorry for whatever happened. I know you want it over with and probably don’t want to talk about it, but it may help.” I nudge her leg with my knee. “Promise not to call whoever a jerk a thousand times.”

Light laughter spills from her lips and warms my chest. I like that I can make her feel somewhat better.

“She needs to learn new descriptors,” she says, tipping her head back and staring at the late afternoon sunlight as it filters through the tree branches.

Minutes pass without a word. I mimic her and get lost in the dancing sunrays. Breathe easier as we sit in the stillness together.

Existing in the quiet with Helena is nice. Noninvasive. Calm. Content.

Does she enjoy this too? Do I soothe her hurt?

Her arm brushes mine before she leans into my side and drops her head on my shoulder. My eyes fall shut as I try to remember the last time someone else was this close. The last time I received more than a brief hug or pat on the shoulder or back.

Too long to recall.

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