Page 61 of Every Thought Taken

“Of me?”

I shake my head, a tear spilling down my cheek. “Of doing the wrong thing. Of not being enough—for you or anyone else. Of following my path and hurting you still.” Inching forward, I press my forehead to his. “I’m so tired, Ander. So tired. And no matter what I do, no matter what choice I make, someone gets hurt.” I worry my lips between my teeth. “How do I decide who to hurt?”

He rests his hands over mine and closes his eyes. For a moment, we simply breathe each other in. Then his thumbs stroke the tops of my hands. His breath warms my lips. He leans in a little closer and gently presses his lips to mine.

I melt under that kiss. Every ounce of uncertainty I felt over the last month vanishes.

Then his lips are gone and he pulls back. Drops his hands to his sides and straightens his spine. “We may love each other, but it’s not enough.” He shakes his head and steps back. “Not right now.”

“Ander, what are you—”

“I’m giving you an out. Giving you the chance to do what you need to do.”

Tears flood my vision once more, spilling in parallel lines down my cheeks without care. “No,” I choke out in disbelief. “No.” I shake my head. “I love you, Ander.”

He takes another step back. “I’ll always love you, North. But it’s not our time.” He shrugs. “Not sure if it ever will be.”

“Please don’t do this.” My words are desperate as I reach out for him. “Please…”

He adds more distance between us. “It’s the right thing to do.”

“For who?”

“For you. Always for you.” He swallows. “And that’s all that matters.”

“I don’t want the right thing if it doesn’t include you.”

A tear rolls down his cheek. “I’ll remember that. One day down the road, I’ll remind you.”

Before I get another word in, before I drop to my knees and beg him to stay, he spins around and runs.

Not sure how long I stand there. I don’t know how many tears I shed. But by the time Lessa and Mags catch up, tears coat my cheeks. A chill soaks me to the bone. And I can’t seem to shake this horrible feeling in my gut.

I want to run after him. Run away with him. Right every wrong and rift I created between us. But he won’t let me. Not now. Maybe not ever.

CHAPTER36

ANDERSON

The past eight and a half months have been pure hell. I’ve spent less time at home and more time in the middle of nowhere. Mom spends most days complaining about how ungrateful I am. That I will flunk out of school if I keep avoiding life. Tells me she worries every time I leave the house because sometimes I’m gone for days.

But I don’t care.

Though I’m passing with flying colors, school is a joke.Lifeis a joke. No one actually cares where I am or what I’m doing. If they did, I’d be locked in my room. Dad would’ve scoured every inch of forest around town when I left without so much as a word. Someone would have done something.

No one came looking. No one did anything. And it comes as no surprise.

My parents are too busy with work and socializing with friends to seek me out. Ales, Mags, and Helena have been bogged down with senior year activities, preparing for graduation and leaving for college.

College. The word is bitter on my mental tongue, but I still swallow it down. I have no choice.

Throughout the school year, while I did every possible thing to avoid Helena, she moved forward. With too much ease, if I am honest. And like my sister, she is packing up her life to drive hours across the state for college tomorrow.

Part of me wants to beg her to stay. Part of me wants to run away and follow her. But neither will happen. We haven’t spoken since the start of the school year. More than anyone, I avoided her. Skipped classes or school on days when I feared bumping into her. Left the house when I heard her in Ales’s room. Marred my flesh more days than not just to feel something other than sadness.

But it’s never enough.

Iam not enough.

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