Page 27 of Ms. Lead

BIANCA

WORLD STOPS TURNING

My head won’t stop spinning. I have never been so thoroughly kissed in my life. Where did this change in him come from? How do I ask something like that? Reading his thoughts or feelings is nearly impossible when I look into his eyes. I swear I see regret or sadness. Maybe it’s both. I don’t understand either one after that fantastic kiss. But then he smiles, and it chases those doubts in my mind back to the shadows where they can wait to pop up later.

“Wow.” He presses his forehead to mine, being careful of his injuries, and pulls me closer to him. “That was…something.”

My gaze falls onto his lips, where the edges still curve, and I yearn for his mouth on mine again, but my mind is stuck on his initial expression. I can’t get that picture of regret out of my head. It completely contradicts how he’s acting now, but that’s the question - is he acting?

I can’t help but compare his actions to my ex, Colin. He did the same thing, acting like everything was wonderful between us when in reality, he was banging the wedding planner behind my back. I don’t compare everyone to Colin. I hardly ever think about him anymore, but I can’t help it in this case. The stakes are similar in my mind for some reason.

“Let’s get going,” I say, pulling away.

I extricate myself from his hold and round the car. He stares after me for a minute, then gets in.

He breaks the silence at a red light about halfway to my apartment. “Did I do something wrong?” His head tilts to the side, and his voice softens. “Should I not have kissed you? I think I’m getting mixed messages.”

This irony strikes me as extremely funny, and I can’t help but laugh out loud. All of my emotions are running high at the moment.

“Me? I’m giving mixed messages?”

He stares at me in response while my laughter dies a slow death, not flinching, not reacting at all. I switch my gaze between him and the traffic light, waiting for it to change while I figure out what to do or say. He was apparently serious, and I just laughed in his face. The flush in my cheeks must be burning as I feel it spread like wildfire on my skin.

“You are serious. Holy crow.” Shifting in my seat uncomfortably, I face the road again. I can’t believe he’s surprised by my reaction. I also can’t keep my reasoning to myself. One thing he’ll learn about me very quickly is that when I feel something, it is tough for me to keep it inside or quiet. That’s just not in my nature. “Were you not at the same dinner I was the other night where I basically bared my soul to you? Or at the airport when you first arrived when we couldn’t stop smiling at each other? I think my messages have been more than clear. I honestly don’t know how I could have been more obvious.”

I see him redden from the corner of my eye, and he clears his throat. “Of course, I was there. That’s exactly why I took the chance—”

“Well, if you were there, you remember putting me off every time. So, excuse me if I’m a little surprised now at the change of heart you’re suddenly having.”

“Fair.” He nods, agreeing with my assessment. “That’s completely fair. I’ve wanted to kiss you since I first saw you, but there’s a reason I’ve not acted until now. Bianca, I’m only here for a brief time. If anything is going to happen with us, it will be short-lived.” A shadow briefly crosses his face as he says this. “I’m okay with that if you are. There’s no reason two adults such as ourselves can’t have some fun while I’m here, right?”

Fun? He thinks this is all just for some fun? Is that all I’m worth to him? I keep my focus on the road and my expression blank as I consider his words. My first reaction is to lash out at him for being so insensitive. Then I imagine a “short-lived” relationship with Oliver and what that might entail. Would I be satisfied with that kind of arrangement? Would it be any different than the long line of boyfriends I’ve had since Colin that were meaningless and forgettable?

I don’t honestly know if I can shut off my emotions like Oliver seems to be able to. It should be easy, we’ve only known each other for a few days. The thought of even trying to deny how I feel doesn’t sit right with me, but what choice do I have? The only thing being offered to me is a no-strings-attached setup. Is it better than nothing at all? I think it might be. If that’s all I can get, that’s what I’ll take. I’ll just need to figure out how to deal with everything when it ends, and he returns to England. No problem. I’ve dealt with worse pain, right? Colin taught me that I can live through just about anything.

Swallowing hard, I throw caution out the window of this car and make up my mind. “Sure. Fun is great.” The forced cheer sounds saccharine and insincere, which is precisely how it feels.

The weight of Oliver’s gaze on me is oppressive as I feel him scrutinizing me. It’s as though he can see through every barrier I put up or expression I try to fake. If it were anyone else, I think I’d get away with it, but not with him. It’s as though superpowers are developing between us, and we’re able to read each other’s minds, and at this moment, it’s incredibly inconvenient.

I try harder and flash a smile at him next to me, and I think it works since he smiles back. When he smiles, it completely transforms his face and does something to my heart every time. It’s a straight shot to my soul and feels like it’s just for me, and it’s our secret to share between us.

How will I give that up at the end of the month as though it’s meaningless? Pushing the thought of this ending before it even begins out of my mind, I finish driving to my apartment to get ready for our dinner. The butterflies fluttering around in my stomach might make eating food a bit tricky now that I know things between Oliver and me are changing. And after that kiss in the parking lot, they are heading in a very hot direction.

* * *

When we get to my apartment, Oliver looks around curiously, taking in the décor, or, well, lack of it.

“Did you just move in recently?” he asks.

“No…?”

“Oh. So, you’re in the process of moving elsewhere, then?” He perches on the arm of the living room couch, the only furniture in the room.

“No,” I laugh. “Why are you asking this stuff?”

His eyes widen in surprise. “Do you not see how it looks as though you’re in the process of moving? Either in or out?”

I lean on the couch next to him and look around to see things from his perspective. He’s kind of right. It does look like I’m moving. I never really cared what my place looked like, though.

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