Page 16 of Ms. Lead

“I’ll see you in a few hours?” Bianca asks, heading towards the stairs to the basement. She seems to be in a hurry to get away from me. I can’t blame her. I’m not exactly easy to deal with. Especially lately.

“Yes. I’ll come to find you when I’m done.”

She doesn’t even nod or acknowledge my response, practically running down the stairs to the speakeasy. I’d run away too. If I could run.

* * *

The private tour and in-depth conversation with the Chair of the Advisory Council take several hours, and I almost take the lift down to the basement to find Bianca when we finish. However, my leg has not improved and it’s actually getting worse as the numbness spreads to my foot.

It’s getting more and more difficult to walk normally, so I decide to make my way to the car and text her to meet me. It’s a shitty thing to do since we agreed to meet in the speakeasy, but I don’t trust myself. More specifically, I don’t trust my legs.

One thing I didn’t account for is the incessant heat. Hot weather only worsens my problems, so I hope Bianca is quick. Leaning against the car, I use it for what tiny bit of shade it offers while I wait. It’s not enough.

Luckily, I don’t have to wait long, and she comes out soon after I text her. Her brows are set in a slight scowl. She’s not happy, and there isn’t much I can do about it.

Heading to my side of the car, she stops herself and must remember my request to not open my door, and she pivots to the driver’s side. After she opens her door, she waits for a few seconds to let the trapped heat from within escape. Once I can get in, I clumsily take my seat quickly since I’m starting to feel vertigo set in.

I can’t believe how quickly I’m being taken down by these symptoms. It’s never hit this hard and fast before. Stress and heat, and probably jet lag, are making everything worse. Plus, I haven’t eaten today, which doesn’t help.

Bianca pulls out of the parking lot and doesn’t even attempt conversation, which is fine with me. I’m not in the mood for small talk anyway. I need to get to my room and my medication.

Needing to increase my doses of anything during this trip isn’t something I anticipated. This could become a problem later on. Some of my drugs may not be available here. I’ll need to look into that.

As the car cools down, I start to feel a little better. The lightheadedness is going away, but the vertigo is still kind of there at the edges of my brain. This is a right fine mess.

Spending the entire ride back to my hotel trying to appear calm, cool, and collected on the outside for Bianca’s sake is torturous when inside, my adrenaline is pumping in complete panic mode. The fear of humiliation is one of the hardest things to get over. Being seen as ‘less than’ is a thoroughly narcissistic and egotistical dread, but it’s there, nonetheless. I can’t change the emotions that pop up. I can only react and deal with them. So far today, I think I’m doing okay. So far.

Bianca stops when we pull up to the hotel but doesn’t even put the car in park. She pauses only for the time it will take me to get out of her hair for the day.

Perfect. As much as I hate it and all of this, I don’t want her to like me. I don’t want her wrapped up in this chaos that has become my life this year. Usually, saying somebody doesn’t know what they’re missing is a derogatory statement, but in this case, it’s only a good thing.

I try to psych myself up to get out and walk into the hotel as normally as possible. Maybe I’ll even wait at the curb while she pulls away and out of sight for good measure to ensure she doesn’t see how bad I’ve gotten at walking. I’m sure it’s a sight with it feeling like an entire bag of sand is wrapped around my lower leg and foot.

“Thank you for the ride and for waiting for me,’ I say, stalling for time as I work myself up to exit the car.

“Of course.” Her voice sounds small and far away, as though she’s thinking of something else entirely. We’re both staring out the windscreen, not daring to glance in the other’s direction.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then, for the barbeque at the Carmichael’s?”

I hope to God this all passes overnight somehow, and I recover completely before seeing her again. It never works like that, though.

“Yeah. As far as I know, it’s still on for tomorrow, but it might change with the new baby in the family and everything. I’ll confirm and get back to you.” She’s all business. No emotion. Good.

“Right. Till tomorrow then.” I offer a brief smile, but she’s not even looking my way to see it.

Taking a deep breath, I open the door, pushing it while I turn in my seat to stand. Then I use the door to lift myself to my feet and step gingerly aside to close it. I tap the top of the roof like I’ve seen in TV shows to let Bianca know that she can pull away now, and she does.

I guess that really works, then.

Watching as the car circles the drive and turns onto the main road, a wave of dizziness overtakes me, and I stagger slightly. The heat again is beating down, making me feel like an ant under a magnifying glass being burned alive.

Turning towards the front doors, my body suddenly doesn’t respond to what I’m telling it to do. The leg that has gone numb drags on the pavement, and my other leg hasn’t accounted for that, so I stumble but can catch myself. Sweat is breaking out on my forehead, and the world seems to have become a solid wave of heat. I try again to walk to the doors, but my right foot scrapes the sidewalk, and I falter, unable to catch myself this time.

As I fall, and the cement rises to meet my face, the only things I can think of are that I’m glad that Bianca isn’t here to see how pathetic I am, and I hope that I haven’t scuffed my shoes.

There’s a loud cracking sound as my head hits the pavement and everything goes black.

Chapter Ten

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