Page 94 of I Got You

“Ha. See. Don’t knock what you haven’t tried.”

“Where’d you come up with that?”

I sigh, thinking back to my conversation with Gwen and Simone. If I want to know Shane, everything keeps locked up, then I have to take a risk. I have to be willing to be vulnerable and share things with him. I have to be brave and show him I’m safe and trustworthy.

I know he’s been hurt badly. I want him to know that won’t happen with me.

I draw my knees into my chest and square myself up to do what I don’t want to do. “Actually, my mom started it. She got tired of asking Cole and me to pick up our stuff and did the same thing. She collected it, saved it, and then we had to win it back. The funny thing was my dad usually ended up with the most stuff in the box.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. It was pretty good stuff too. Money, gear, his favorite hat. It’s more fun with all the kids, but she was tricky. I’m pretty sure she stuck stuff in to get a rise out of us. It was like getting new toys all over again. We only played for a couple years. Then she was gone, and we never played again.”

“I’m sorry.” His tone is soft and gentle, and I want to lean into him. “She sounds like a fun mom.”

I smile as memories flash through my mind. “She really was. In the studio, she was tough, but at home, she was a little spitfire. Lit my dad up all the time, but I think he loved every second of it.” We’re quiet for a second, then he asks the question I’ve been waiting for.

“What happened?”

I rest my head on his shoulder, not wanting to go back there, but I will for him and for a chance at whatever we might be. If I want more of Shane, the man he keeps tucked away, I have to let him see more of me too.

“I was eight. We were all dressed up. Like the full-on glittery, puffy dress that every eight-year-old girl dreams of. She took me to the Nutcracker for the first time. It was the real deal, a professional production that came to town. I was so excited I counted down the days. It was my first ballet, and I already knew I wanted to dance for the rest of my life. My dad was supposed to go with us but didn’t get home in time.”

I breathe in as each muscle in my body constricts, revisiting that night. It’s been years since I’ve talked about it, and I’ve never talked about it in detail, even with my therapists. Talking never helped. Nothing could ever make it better.

“We watched the show, and I was in awe. On the edge of my seat the entire time. From that moment on, I knew it was all I’d dream about, someday being the Sugar Plum Fairy. We walked out into the cold night, hand in hand. I can still hear her laughter and see her smile and dance as we pretended to recreate the ballet on our walk back to the parking deck.”

I close my eyes, squeezing them together, remembering. “I can still feel the sting of the cold air on my face and the squish of the slush under my feet from the snow that had fallen while we were inside.” I must start to shake talking about it because Shane slips his arm around me and pulls me closer to him. “One minute, she was there, and the next gone. Just like that. A car lost control and came up on the sidewalk.”

A single warm tear rolls down my cheek. “I’ve relived that moment a million times, trying to understand how it missed me. One second she was next to me, right there, holding my hand, smiling and laughing, and the next….” Another tear slips from my eye. “I knelt on the sidewalk, my knees frozen in the slush, holding her cold, lifeless hand, begging her to stay with me while I watched her slip away. Just like that, she was gone.”

More tears drip down my face as my throat swells with grief. Shane's large hand holds me to his chest, keeping me there until I can speak again.

I push tears away with my fingers. “It was the most horrific moment of my life. Everything I thought I knew changed in a second.” Shane’s hand trails up and down my arm gently. “In New York, I had to walk as close to the buildings as possible, like almost pressed against them. Danny used to make fun of me like I had some kind of phobia. I never told him. And as you know, fancy dresses, the fabric, the feel, and even the sound of the material take me right back there.”

“Maggie, I’m so sorry,” Shane whispers against my hair.

“I struggled for a long time after that. Made some choices….” I start, but I don’t want to go there. Not tonight. This was already a lot for me to divulge. “I’m not sure my dad ever got over not being there.”

“I’m not sure I’d ever be able to forgive myself either.” His voice is soft and soothing.

I pull away slightly to wipe my face before tipping my head up to look at him. “You know. It’s strange. Sometimes, I look at the kids and my life now and think about how none of this would be if she and I hadn’t been on that sidewalk at that exact moment that night. I mean…I miss her so much and want so badly to have her back. I’d give anything, but I don’t know…it’s like I see now that even the bad stuff plays a part in getting us where we’re supposed to be. It’s so hard to make sense of it all, but eventually, it feels like it might all be alright, too.” I shake my head. “I don’t know if that makes any sense.” I laugh a little, wiping my nose.

His warm, safe body next to me is comforting, and I realize that letting him in isn’t as terrifying as I thought. Shane is as solid as they come, and he proves his stability and trustworthiness every second.

“It makes sense to me,” he offers quietly.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

I put my head back on his shoulder, and I like that he lets me leave it there. “Hey, Grizz.”

“Yeah.” His voice is back to low and rough, like he’s processing it all.

“Thanks for being here. I don’t think I’ve told you. All of this…I know it’s a lot, but it’s nice having you here.” He doesn’t say anything, but I know he heard me. I smile at him. “Will you read a chapter to me?”

After a second, he responds. “Sure.”

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