Page 211 of Merciless Desires

I opened my eyes and took in the beams of light streaming through the ripped curtains. Memories of the shattered chandelier and the broken pieces of ancient furniture came back to me in fractured forms. It had passed in a blur when I stormed into his rooms because I had only one thing on my mind, and that was to give him a piece of it. The envelope the maid had given to me held a single piece of paper. A cheque for one hundred thousand pounds. He had planned on paying me for something I hadn’t given him and sending me on my way. It had stoked every single one of my insecurities. Had I been such a disappointment? Was I not what he’d hoped for? The way he’d stared at – and smelled – my nakedness only hours earlier had convinced me of his attraction, so how could he just dump the money on me and run? And more to the point, how dare he? He might not have thought it, but he’d wooed me. From the second he invited me to dinner. I was blisteringly angry when I stormed up those stairs. I failed to see how broken he was and how broken his rooms were. I was too blinded by the humiliation of rejection and the unfairness of being locked up and released on a damn whim.

I slowly turned my head, expecting to see the unscarred left side of his face that he’d so painstakingly laid me next to, but I saw nothing but a ruffled sheet. I ran my hand over the indentation left by his body. It was cold. He must have left a while ago. My eyes ran from the contoured dip to the pillow where they landed on an envelope. I reached across and opened it, my heartrate picking up boisterously.

Dear Rose,

I don’t know where to begin so I’m just going to start with where my heart is. My heart is with you, Rose. You captured it the second it saw you and it’s held out for you ever since. But things have changed. I’m not a good person and you’ve seen the worst of me. I cannot and will not inflict that on you again.

You gave me a precious gift last night. More precious than an organ, than a heartbeat. It was life. You showed me what true trust is and I will not abuse yours any longer.

You are going to go so far, Rose. Your passion for architecture, for design, for miraculous potential, is beyond measure. I’m privileged to have known you. Like a small bird I kept you locked up against your will. You had wings all along, I just clipped them, like I do with everything. You’re free now Rose.

It was the architect Louis Kahn who once said, “The sun never knew how wonderful it was until it fell on the wall of a building.” Your beauty and wonder eclipsed everything when you discovered yourself last night. I feel privileged to have been your wall.

I paused to look around the damaged room. The light exposed the worst of it, but wherever shadows fell, only the charge of emotion remained.

A quote I’d committed to memory penetrated the lines. Were it not for the shadows, there would be no beauty.

I sat bolt upright. Every word in his letter – in fact, every word he had ever spoken to me – had the same tone as… the boy in the bookshop. The recollection hurtled back to me like a tidal wave. Over the years it had dimmed, taking on new, made-up forms. His eyes had become blue, his shoulders slightly more sloped, his mannerisms softer. But this time I was able to picture the exact boy, and he was freakishly familiar.

Dax Thorn was the bookshop boy.

You captured it the second it saw you and it’s held out for you ever since.

And he’d known all along.

The room began to spin.

How had he known? How had he found me? Had he thought about me the way I had thought about him for the last four years? And if he had, why was he letting me go?

My eyes searched the room as more became visible. I could hardly go storming into his suite; I was already in it. Where would he be? I dropped my gaze back to the letter.

Take this money, Rose. Do it for me. Spend it on university and getting the education you deserve. It’s the least I can do in return for you giving me the most precious gift you could ever give. I didn’t receive it lightly. It will stay with me for the rest of my life.

A car will collect you at noon and take you to the helipad. You’ll be back in London before you know it and all this will be a distant memory. All I ask is that whenever you think of the time you lost your virginity, you remember how grateful I was (am) and how utterly, incomprehensibly, undeserving.

All my heart,

Dax

I glanced down at the envelope which trembled in my hands. The same cheque fell out, mocking me. The envelope itself was fast becoming drenched in my tears. How had I made such a mess of everything? If he really was that boy, where had he been and why had he held out until now? And more pertinently, if he truly felt this way, why was he running now he had me?

A clock somewhere in his suite that had miraculously survived the assault donged eleven times. The car would arrive in one hour and I’d be taken from the island forever.

I sprung out of bed and flew through the room, out of Dax’s suite, down the winding stairs and into my room. I splashed my face, brushed my teeth and changed into a pair of exceedingly expensive jeans and a loose vest. I wrapped my hair into a bun on the top of my head, grabbed a pair of trainers, and ran out of my room into the cavernous Blackcap Hall.

At the foot of the wide staircase, I collided with Harrod, Dax’s butler.

“Hello sir,” I gasped. “Have you seen Master Thorn?”

His eyes popped as he stared at me, ruffled by my obviously panicked and uncouth display of anxiety. “About an hour ago, miss. He was heading for the stables.”

Stables?

“And, um, would you mind telling me how to get to the stables?”

He snapped his feet together as though he was a member of the cavalry and tipped his chin upwards. “I wouldn’t mind at all, but if he has gone for a ride, you’ll have missed him. And I do believe a car will be here for you in… forty-five minutes.”

“Just… tell me,” I said, fighting exasperation.

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