Page 7 of The Perfect Appearance

Ryan checked her coat closet, the only hidden space in the office, then joined Jessie on the couch.

“Satisfied?” Lemmon asked.

“Very,” he replied.

“Then shall we begin?”

***

It took a while to get to the heart of the matter.

Jessie was familiar with Lemmon’s methods so she knew the psychiatrist wouldn’t let them simply launch into a catalogue of the issues they’d been dealing with. She wanted backstory, context, and to set the parameters of the conversation. Forty-five minutes in, she summarized where she thought they were.

“So let’s see if I understand this correctly,” she said, “Jessie, despite your best efforts to let it go, you’re still upset with Ryan. Specifically, you’re troubled that he didn’t inform you that Zoe Bradway, a disturbed woman who—though incarcerated—was committed to killing all of you, had made threats against him, Hannah, and Kat. You’re particularly bothered, considering that she ultimately followed through on those threats by hiring a hitwoman who almost killed Hannah and Kat, yes?”

“Yes,” Jessie answered. “I get that after everything I went through in the last few months, including getting kidnapped and concussed, he didn’t want add extra burdens for me. But we’re supposed to be a team, and it felt like he was acting solo. I don't like being in the dark, and I don't like being treated like some delicate flower who can’t handle bad news. It was insulting and made it hard to fully trust him, even though I want to.”

“And Ryan,” Lemmon said, turning to him. “Am I correct to say that you feel guilty about that decision and its consequences, including your wife’s subsequent lack of trust. But that you also harbor some resentment because you feel that she repeatedly puts herself in dangerous situations despite her head injury. And further, that her doing so calls her judgment into question, leading you to feel like you have to protect her not just from outside forces, but from herself. Maybe you also feel she’s being a little bit selfish—not considering how her risky choices make those who love her feel and how terrified they are of losing her.”

Jessie stifled a small gasp at that last statement. She honestly hadn’t considered how scary it must be for Ryan, Hannah, and Kat to constantly worry that her next head bump might lead to her death. She looked down at her shoes, not wanting Ryan or Lemmon to see her crimson cheeks.

“That pretty much nails it,” Ryan confirmed. “I want to support all her choices, but some of those choices make that hard, especially since I’m professionally accountable for her. I feel like no responsible police captain would let his injured criminal profiler take the risks she wants to take, but sometimes it’s hard to know when my concern as a husband has bled into my decision-making as a boss.”

Jessie said nothing to that, trying to reconcile her own sense of hurt with what must have been incredible, ongoing frustration for Ryan. Lemmon sat quietly for a moment before responding.

“And look at us sitting here,” she finally said in a playful tone. “We’ve brought up all of these concerns in an open and respectful manner, and the world hasn't caved in around us. How about that?"

“Are you sure you’re not being premature?” Ryan asked. “The session’s not over yet.”

“One never knows when the gaping maw will open up, dear Captain Hernandez,” Lemmon noted with a smile. “But I’m optimistic that we can survive the remainder of this session. Is there something else you want to share that might threaten our collective survival?”

“I don’t know if I’d go that far,” he said, “But I did want to bring something else up that’s been on my mind lately.”

“Please,” Lemmon told him.

“Okay,” Ryan started hesitantly, before gulping hard. “I’ve started to wonder if my current professional situation is untenable. I took the job as captain of Central Station when Roy Decker left the position to become LAPD chief. He wanted someone he could trust, who wasn’t beholden to the old chief of police. And I was happy to do it…at the time.”

“But that’s changed?” Lemmon asked.

“It’s been almost five months since I took over and I feel like I’ve got the station in good shape,” he replied. “But I don’t love how it’s caused havoc in our personal lives. We were both already on call all the time, but this is an extra level of crazy. And to be honest, I don’t enjoy the bureaucratic side of the job. Looking back, I was much happier when I was the lead detective running Homicide Special Section. I was responsible for how the unit operated, but I wasn’t making human resources decisions or dealing with the politics of which case merited HSS involvement. I feel like I’ve lost the work/life balance that we’d developed prior to me becoming captain. I’d like to get that back.”

Jessie felt a small ache dig into her chest at the words.

“What do you think about that, Jessie?” Lemmon asked.

“I’m not sure,” she said. “I understand how you feel. I see how enormous the pressure you face every day is. I know it wears on you. But I can’t help but think that if it wasn’t for my issues, the pressure wouldn’t feel so overwhelming. I don’t want you to sacrifice career advancement just because we’re facing a hiccup. I can’t handle that kind of responsibility.”

“Ryan?” Lemmon asked.

He shrugged.

“I just worry that if something doesn’t change, this might become more than a ‘hiccup,’ you know? I’m just not sure what the right answer is.”

Jessie couldn’t think of a satisfying response to that. Both she and Ryan stayed silent.

“Well,” Lemmon said. “I think we’ve got some real food for thought here. We’re not going to resolve all this today. Why don’t we press pause on this for the time being, especially since I need to put something in my stomach. Shall we meet again at the end of the week?”

Jessie nodded and noted that Ryan did too.

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