Page 19 of Playing Rough

The water embraces me, soothing away the last dregs of tension left over from the retreat. Floating on my back, I stare up at the emerging stars and just breathe.

Having the team here this weekend, opening up this part of myself—it wasn't as awful as I thought it’d be. Watching the guys joke and clash in the place I've kept private for so long cracked open something in me. Like sunlight stealing into a quiet room, banishing lurking shadows.

And London...he isn't the arrogant jackass I've made him out to be all this time. Everything I thought I knew is shifting, my perspectives realigning. He's charismatic and unexpectedly thoughtful. Now that my resentment has cooled, I can admit he's a damn talented player.

The thought of logging into my anonymous chat with FallingDown pops into my mind. I could really use their familiar, steadying take on all this change swirling beneath my skin.

Swimming over to the side, I pull myself from the pool and wrap a towel around my waist. Settling into a patio chaise, I open up the chat app on my phone.

Me: Hey FD. How's it going? Got a sec to chat?

I gnaw my lip as the messaging bubble pops up. FallingDown's advice is always solid. If anyone can help me figure out these weird as hell feelings, it's him.

FallingDown: Hey dude, I've got all the time you need. What's up?

I huff a soft laugh. Leave it to FD to be available exactly when I need him. I debate how to even summarize everything swirling through me right now.

Me: This weekend’s been... interesting. Team bonding shit. It's been good mostly, but also intense.

I pause before adding,

Me: You know how I told you about that teammate I can't stand? The one I thought was an arrogant asshole? Well... I'm starting to think maybe I judged him too quickly. He's maybe not as bad as I thought. It's messing with my head. Makes me wonder if I totally misread him from the start. Has me questioning all kinds of things.

I hesitate before hitting send. There, that sums up this inner conflict gnawing at me without getting too personal. I scrub a hand through my still-damp hair, equal parts relieved and unsettled to have put this into words.

FallingDown: Well look who’s growing up.

Me: Don’t be a dick.

FallingDown: FR though, it's big of you to admit you might be wrong.

FallingDown: I know how stubborn you can be lol so this is real growth.

I huff a laugh. FD isn't wrong. I have a reputation for being immovable once I've made up my mind about someone. London smashing through those preconceived notions has left me off-kilter.

FallingDown: As for questioning things, change can be scary and confusing, even good change.

Me: You’re so wise.

FallingDown: STFU :middle finger emoji:

Leave it to FD to cut right to the heart of things with that blend of honesty and compassion I rely on.

FallingDown: I'm stoked you questioned your beliefs and are open to growing. Not everyone does that.

FallingDown: Let me know how it goes.

Me: Thanks, bro. I knew you'd have some solid perspective.

Me: I really needed to get this out and hear your take.

Me: I'll def keep you posted on how it goes. Appreciate you always having my back.

I set my phone down with a strange blend of uncertainty and hope swirling through me. FD's input was just what I needed to sort through this tangled mess of new feelings about London. I feel steady enough now to face this head-on.

Yawning, I stand and stretch, ready to head upstairs for some shut-eye. As I cross the patio, a snatch of conversation from the shadows gives me pause.

"Yeah, London's a hell of a left wing," I hear Deck saying. "Still, the crap he pulled at his last school was unacceptable. Coach is taking a colossal risk letting him on the roster."

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