Page 16 of A New Arrival at Cwtch Cove

Which was impossible.

Absolutely impossible.

Ugh…

When they’d left, her nanna had hugged her and told her to come back soon then she’d whispered into Alice’s ear that everything would be all right. Alice had tried to smile but she’d felt like sobbing all the way home in the car. Her mum was very kind and had told Alice that she would be there for her whatever happened and that they could talk about it, or not, whatever suited Alice. She’d suspected that her mum was keen to talk about what her nanna had said but she was too compassionate to push Alice to speak about it. Alice thanked her mum but said that she didn’t think it was possible that she was pregnant and that she’d prefer not to think about it right then.

And so her mum had not raised the subject again but Alice had been unable to think about anything else. When her mum went to work each morning, Alice cuddled up to the cats on the sofa and googled everything she could find about how easy it was to conceive, about common early pregnancy symptoms and other things that could have made her period late. Apparently, stress was a major factor in late periods and so she had tried to convince herself that her period was late because of that. However, if she thought about it without shutting herself down, she was most likely two periods late. She’d never been regular but tended to have a period every four to six weeks, so she could understand her forgetting about the first one but the second one too? She’d been deluding herself.

But it could be stress, remember!

Yes, stress.

Even so… she’d driven out of the village to a supermarket and she’d bought a pack of two tests then taken them home. There was only one way to know what was going on and that was to pee on a small, white stick.

Her mum had gone out for a Sunday morning trip to get some baking supplies from a retail park so Alice had the cottage to herself. She’d been invited to go shopping but she’d feigned a headache. A part of her wanted her mum to hold her hand while she did the test but the other part told her that she was a grown woman and she needed to do this alone. She had to stand on her own two feet and face the music and all those other clichés that weren’t helping her right now.

Come on, Alice. Get it done!

She unwrapped the cellophane from the box and read the instructions then tore open the foil packet and held up the pregnancy test.

Here goes…

Afterwards, Alice paced up and down the landing, telling herself that she would be fine. Whatever the result, she would be fine, but she was absolutely certain it would be negative.

She went back to the bathroom but found that she couldn’t look at the test. She needed to go for a walk because this was a life-changing moment and she wasn’t ready to find out. She grabbed her bag and swept the test into it then put her jacket and trainers on.

Her feet carried her out of the cottage, through the village and down to the seafront. The air was chilly, leaving her with no doubt that October had arrived. She’d slept with Tarquin back at the end of July and she suspected she’d been in denial about the possibility that she was expecting. Didn’t people tend to block out things they didn’t want to think about? Wasn’t that form of dissociation quite common when things got a bit too much? The brain had a way of protecting itself from too much stress, kind of like hiding under the duvet.

She wanted desperately to believe she wasn’t pregnant but something at the back of her mind was niggling her now. After all, she’d read stories about women who’d been in labour and unaware that they were pregnant. It was possible to be ignorant of the fact that a life was forming inside you. That what was effectively a one-night stand could make you pregnant.

She sank onto a bench on the pavement that overlooked the beach and gazed out at the horizon. The water was dark and choppy and the sky that stretched out from the sea was gunmetal grey with smoky looking clouds that raced along as if they couldn’t get to their destination quickly enough. There was sea spray in the air and she blinked as it landed on her cheeks, mingling with her the tears she hadn’t realised were falling.

I am so afraid…

Oh Dad, I wish you were here.

The tears were hot as they flooded down her cheeks and she pulled up her hood and hunched forwards. She always missed her dad but even more so at moments like this. He’d been such a brave man, so strong and protective of his family. It would mean the world to have one of his hugs right now, to feel his strong arms around her and have him reassure her that everything would be OK; he would always look after her and her mum. To have that sense of security again would be an incredible gift and she missed him desperately.

‘Alice?’

The now familiar voice snapped her eyes open and she quickly wiped at her wet cheeks as Henry sat next to her.

‘What’s wrong, Alice?’ His eyes were filled with concern and she opened her mouth to speak but a sob came out.

‘Hey… It’s OK.’ He shuffled closer to her and gently placed an arm around her shoulders. ‘Can I do anything to help?’

He handed her a tissue that he pulled from his coat pocket and she wiped her eyes and cheeks then blew her nose.

‘Do you want me to call your mum?’

At that, Alice snorted. ‘That makes it sound like I’m ten.’

He smiled. ‘Sorry about that. I just thought that you might need her.’

‘She’s gone out for the day. Shopping.’

‘Of course.’ He nodded. ‘She wanted some fancy decorations for a wedding cake. Look… I hate to see you upset. Please tell me what’s wrong.’

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