Page 223 of Still Here

“What did it say?”

“I don't know. I haven't read it yet.”

“For fuck’s sake, Allee, you've got to read it. For all you know, he's begged your forgiveness and is waiting for you to respond!”

Allee sighed inwardly, knowing that Charlie would not let up until she had read Noah's email. She gestured for Charlie to stay seated, much to Charlie's dismay, and reluctantly walked through to her office. She sat down, reactivated her laptop, and waited for it to wake up. She then scrolled back through her inbox and opened Noah's message.

Allee.

First off, I want to say sorry for overreacting. Yes, I was shocked and horrified, but not at you. Never at you. I find it hard to understand why someone would treat another person the way he treated you. I was furious that you’d been treated that way, that you’d been hurt, and I was just so angry on your behalf. I guess I also don't understand why you didn't feel as though you couldn't leave before that point, but I don't think you are to blame either.

I can't even begin to understand how hard this is for you, but at the same time, it's tough for me. You have unloaded an enormous amount of information and history onto me, and I need to process it all to figure out if this will be a deal-breaker for us, or if it's something that we can work through and past. Now, I keep questioning if every touch, every kiss, has been ruined by him and wonder if we'll ever be able to go further than that.

You deserve someone who won't hurt you, who will protect you, and who can accept what you've gone through and not let it affect how they feel about you. I just don't know if I'm that person, and I hate the fact that I can't seem to be the man that you need, that you deserve.

I'm sorry I've made you feel like you can't come to work. If it helps, I've asked Craig if I could work from home for the rest of the week, so you don't have to see me.

I'm sorry I was such a shit boyfriend.

Noah.

Allee's eyes blurred. She waited until her vision cleared, then printed the message out, taking it back to the kitchen for Charlie to read. She handed the sheet over and waited silently as Charlie read it. Charlie looked up at Allee, her eyes wide in astonishment.

“Oh babe, I'm so sorry! What are you going to do?”

“Honestly? I have no idea. I don't even know if I'm going to go to work tomorrow. I don't think I can face anyone else at the moment.”

“Are you going to Darryl's on Saturday?”

Allee shrugged listlessly. “I told him I would, but I have no way of getting there. Usually, I'd catch a lift with Noah, but I don't know if he's going, let alone if he'd want to do me any favours.”

“Look, take tomorrow off, by all means, but make sure you come back in before the end of the week? And as for a lift, I'll give you one, so long as you trust me on my bike.”

Allee nodded, her heart warming with gratitude. She may have lost Noah's regard, but she'd gained a firm and loyal friend in Charlie, just as Darryl had predicted.

Allee woke, momentarily oblivious to the events of the past week. But within moments, it all came rushing back. She had managed to go into work on Wednesday, and everyone had been so solicitous and concerned. She had lost her appetite, even though she was forcing herself to eat something each day, and unsurprisingly, Allee had lost weight. Noah had been absent, as he'd said he would, and Allee knew that the office was rife with speculation. Charlie had denied any knowledge, and Allee knew from Charlie that Noah had told Craig that he'd had a family emergency, so he would be only contactable via email until the following week.

An hour later, Allee was dressed in jeans and a long-sleeved shirt. It was too cold for swimming, so Allee wasn't concerned with taking her bathing suit. She wondered if Noah would be there, but somehow, she doubted it.

Gathering her bag and giving Piddle a scratch under the chin, she walked out the front door, locking it behind her. Not long after making it out of the complex, Allee heard the rumble of Charlie's DragStar and watched her as she did a quick u-turn and stopped in front of the gate. There was a spare helmet on the back of Charlie's bike, so Allee slung her bag over her shoulder, put on the helmet, and climbed on. She looped her arms around Charlie's waist, settled herself more firmly onto the pillion seat, and then they were off.

Contrary to her worries, Allee had enjoyed herself at Darryl and Tania's. The usual suspects had been there, although Noah had not made an appearance, which apparently was out-of-character. Despite this conspicuous absence, everyone had enjoyed themselves, and Allee had been able to have a few drinks, not worrying about driving home. Beth had brought up the subject of a girl's night out, and both Tania and Charlie had jumped on it with alacrity. It was soon agreed that the four of them, along with Beth's sister Laura, would go into the city the following Saturday night.

The cheesecake Allee made had been a huge hit, with everyone deciding that Allee was the queen of desserts. Andre had offered to give both her and Charlie a ride home in his Triton, with Charlie's bike on the back, to which they had both agreed, and it was late when Allee finally walked back into her house. Piddle was not impressed, having been left alone all day. Allee fed Piddle, feeling a nice buzz from the alcohol, and then headed up to bed. She was asleep within minutes, and for the first time in a week, was not plagued by bad dreams.

When Monday morning came around again, Allee had decided that she would pretend the previous week had not happened. She could not keep dwelling on it, with 'what-ifs' running through her head. She had already lost several kilos, enough that her clothes were now obviously too big on her frame. Although she thought that she needed to lose weight, this was not how she had pictured doing it. Her appetite still had not returned, but at least now she wasn't looking pale and wan, and her hair was no longer limp and dull.

Allee showered and washed her hair, shaved her legs and under her arms, and then smoothed scented body lotion all over her body once she was dry. She felt that if she looked good, she’d feel much better emotionally, and so far, it was working. Allee carefully brushed her hair, twisting it back in a loose braid. She applied her make-up with a light touch and then dressed in a pair of loose black wrap-around linen pants, a cowl-necked jersey top the colour of antique gold, and a long, sleeveless, black linen vest. She accented her outfit with her two-toned gold leaf necklace and gold earrings. Allee felt smart and confident, not realising that the contrast of her clothing made her appear fragile and ethereal.

Back downstairs, she made herself a coffee, fed Piddle, and mentally prepared herself to see Noah again. She was determined to be friendly and polite and act as if nothing had happened. She wasn’t sure how he’d respond, but she felt confident that he would not make her feel small and pathetic. It just wasn’t the type of person Noah was.

A cool breeze heralded the change in seasons, and Allee started wondering if perhaps it might be time to think of investing in a small car.

She got to the office block, went upstairs, and was unsurprised to find the studio door already unlocked and the security system off. She walked in, heading to her office first to put her bag down, and then made her way to the coffee machine. She expected to see Darryl sitting in his corner, but was surprised to see that it was Noah who was the early arrival. She couldn't tell if he had a coffee or not, so she decided to make him one and take it over. She could tell that he was studiously ignoring her arrival and felt a jagged spear of pain. Allee closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and then exhaled. With each breath, the pain lessened. She took the mugs over to Noah's cubicle and placed one down next to him. She saw him stiffen, his hands stilling over his keyboard.

“It's okay, Noah, you don't have to speak to me or even look at me. I just wanted you to know that I'm not going to make a big deal over everything. In fact, I'm going to pretend that all this never happened. I think it will be easier for both of us that way.” Allee turned and walked away, proud of the way she'd calmly recited her little speech. Although she hoped Noah hadn't noticed how her voice had cracked slightly at the end.

Noah watched as Allee walked away from him, utterly unconscious of just how much she'd affected him. She looked beautiful, an aura of fragility surrounding her. His chest hurt, and as he used the coffee that Allee had just brought him to swallow the lump in his throat, he realised that she mattered to him more than he could have imagined. When she hadn't turned up at work the previous Monday, he'd been concerned that she didn't feel safe in the workplace, so he'd sent her an email telling her that he'd make himself scarce instead. When he hadn't heard back from her, he'd thought she no longer wanted to even be friends. That had cut him to the core, and he'd found himself on several occasions close to tears. The grace and strength that she had just exhibited made Noah realise that he didn't just like Allee. He'd fallen in love with her.

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