Page 21 of The Scout

Hannah’s eyes glossed over, but I wasn’t sure if it was hurt, sadness, anger, or a combination of all three. What I did know was that she didn’t lie about telling my father. Her previous anger took root in my veins. When a tear rolled down her cheek, every protective muscle in my body tensed.

“You never thought to tell me she came to see you? What about Mom? Did she know?”

“I don’t have time to play twenty questions. What’s this about, Cash?”

“What’s this about?” I barked out. “It’s about the fact that I have a fourteen-year-old son. That you and Mom have a grandchild, and you deprived me of knowing that. You deprived that sweet kid of having a father he could look up to. You broke up my family.”

“Really, Cash? You’re getting ahead of yourself. Instead, why don’t you get a paternity test?”

In a flash, my world flipped upside down. Thanks to my previous profession, stress was a common factor in my life, as were making changes on the fly. There were days when I didn’t think I’d be pitching, only to be put in a couple of hours before game time. Shit happened. I got that. But news of my son and what my dad did threw me completely off balance.

“Don’t need to.” My anger evened out to indifference. “I didn’t want to believe you’d do this to me, Hannah, and my son, but I was wrong. I looked up to you. My son, unknown to him, looks up to me, and I can assure you that I’d never let him down. You’re selfish, self-righteous, and from now on, you’re out of my life.”

Hannah’s eyes widened.

“Was Mom in on this too?”

“In on this? No, I didn’t want to upset her. Cash, I did what was best for everyone. Thatgirlwas with someone else. Get the test. Don’t trust—”

I ended the call and looked at the blank screen. The termseeing rednever made much sense to me until that moment. Hannah flinched when I yelled, “Fuck!”

What I recognized as compassion filled Hannah’s eyes, but I knew that was because she understood how I looked up to my dad. “I’m sorry,” I finally said, calming down a bit. “He had no right to do that to any of us.” My legs shook with adrenaline. Sitting on the rolled arm of the chair, I linked my fingers together and put my hands on my thigh. “I’m also sorry for assuming better of him.”

She nodded. “I’m sorry he let you and Jimmy down. Still doesn’t explain all the other ways I tried to contact you.”

All I could do was shrug. At that point, I didn’t know how to explain anything. It felt as though we were talking about anyone but myself. How could I have been so unaware of everything? Desperation clawed at my soul. “Don’t know what to tell you. I wish I had answers. You have no idea how true that statement is. It was a long time ago.”

Not being able to take it any longer, I walked toward her and cupped the side of her face with my right hand. She began to lean into it but stopped herself. Our eyes met, and without being able to help myself, I leaned down to rest my forehead against hers. “I’m sorry, Hannah. Can you at least believe me when I say that if I had known, I would have been here to be by your side? By our son’s side?”

She pulled far enough back to look at me. “You would have changed what you were doing for a pregnant ex-girlfriend?”

When I opened my mouth to answer, she stopped me. “Don’t answer that basing it on what you know about your career-ending injury. You need to base it on fifteen years ago. I don’t mean to sound harsh. I felt awful when you got injured. In fact, Jimmy sent you a get-well card. Not that you’d remember that, as I assume you received a lot of them.”

“He sent me a card?”

Hannah nodded.

“Probably signed it with his last name too, right? And return address.”

Another nod.

“I’m not sure how I missed it. It was a confusing time in my life. I’m sorry, Hannah,” I found myself saying again, although I knew an infinite number ofsorrys wouldn’t soothe fifteen years of heartache and confusion.

“Me too,” she finally admitted. “Sorry that you missed out on raising Jimmy because the person you relied on lied to you.”

She was softening. I could tell. Not wanting to push her, I ran my hand down her arm. “Can you stay a little while longer? I just want to hear about him ... about the two of you together. Will you please give me that?”

For the next hour, Hannah told me all about my son. How he’d tried a variety of sports before deciding on baseball. According to her, he was a natural—not that I’d been surprised by that. The kid had talent. She told me how they’d read a lot together, and even though they weren’t rich by any means—which killed me since I was—they never wanted for anything.

“Jimmy is very smart. He’s always been a good eater and loves everything but is allergic to peanuts.” I couldn’t help but give a weak smile when she said, “Like you.”

The more she told me about him, the more guilty I felt for missing all of it. “Sorry about that.”

“You don’t need to keep apologizing.”

Her lips finally quirked up into a smile. Those fucking kissable lips. It would be so easy to close the gap between us and taste her again. Had I been with other women? Yes, of course. Did I feel for any of them the way I had Hannah? Not even close. I didn’t lie when I told her that any time we were together, it wasn’t sex. Not even the first time—her first time was mine. We shared so many things together, and now it was all screwed up.

Thinking about all the missed opportunities and events that I could have been a part of fueled my ire and confusion. Not toward her, because so far, everything she told me had been true.

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