Page 94 of A Lesson In Beginning

“True. But we share a special bond. And you do, too. You are part of this family. I hope today helped prove that to you.” Wrapping her arm around me, she moved in close, resting her head on my shoulder for a moment as we watched the rest of the family with renewed wonder.

“I know you’re happy, Adah, but I’m your sister.”

“Yes, I know.”

“No, what I mean is that I’m your sister. I know you better than almost anyone. What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“I can’t talk about it today.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s the rule.”

“Oh. You’re thinking about Zion.” She lifted her head from my shoulder, turning fully sideways on the couch to look at me. “You can talk about it. I don’t mind.”

“I don’t even know where to begin. Things are so different now, and I’m finding it hard to adjust.”

“Adjust to what?” Ollie asked, flopping on the floor in front of us, winded by his maniacal dancing.

“Nothing for you to worry about, Ollie.” I playfully ruffled his hair.

“Don’t downplay your feelings, Adah.” Ruth’s light scolding drew the attention of the rest of the family. “Adah is having that stark realization of the difference between life here and life back in Zion.”

The rest of the family gathered around, taking seats here and there, all nodding in understanding.

“Hey now, I thought the rule was no talk of Zion.” Playfully trying to shove the discussion aside, I expected them to agree.

“Listen, the children are all in bed. I’d say we all had one hell of a Christmas together. I think we can let the rule slide.” Levi gave me a wink as he spoke. Several of the others quickly voiced their agreement.

“What is weighing on your mind?” Zeke asked, his arm wrapped around Talia, who was snuggled into him, her attention solely on me.

“I guess it’s just strange. For over thirty years, I was resolute in so many things. My family, my faith, and myself. And now…” Words escaped me as emotion flooded in.

“Now it feels like you know absolutely nothing.” Gideon’s words surprised me. I hadn’t spoken to him much, but he was completely understanding of my plight.

“We were each raised with a structure that was so strict, it was nearly impossible to refute the lies that were fed to us. We were forced to use the words of the Elders, and especially the Reverend, to build a foundation for our lives. Each of us subscribed to his teachings, building our life and our personalities around it. So, when things fell apart, it was like that foundation had been ripped out from under us. In the aftermath of that carnage, it feels like we don’t know who we are, where we are, or what we are supposed to do.” Malachi, whom I had barely spoken five words to since arriving in Portland, showed a deep understanding of exactly what I was feeling. In fact, he could have been reading a page out of one of my journals.

Tears pricked at my eyes, and I fought with every fiber of my being to stop them from falling.

“Each of us has gone through our own version of healing in the years since Zion fell. For you, it’s still raw. Hell, it’s still raw for most of us, or at least it is on most days. That kind of trauma doesn’t just evaporate overnight. It takes years to overcome it all. And still, even going on three years later, most of us still struggle.” Naomi gave me a small smile, giving her own advice and showing her understanding of my situation.

“Malachi and I keep to ourselves most of the time for that very reason. We deal with our own demons. And this new world? It’s so difficult to acclimate to sometimes. It’s easier for us to hide away in the cabin when the real world becomes too much to bear.” Eden squeezed Malachi’s hand. As each of them nodded in agreement, I felt more seen than I had in so very long.

“It’s not impossible, though.” Delilah chimed in. “You can have it all, Adah. Sure, you may have been a snarky bitch back in Zion, but as I’ve gotten to know you over these past months, I’ve seen another side of you. Your experience was the same as it was for each of us girl. You did what you had to survive. But you are a beautiful, sweet soul. You can have anything you want in this life.”

Laughing through tears at her depiction of the person I used to be, I swiped at my cheeks to dry them.

“I was a bit… what was the word you used, Ruth? Cunty? Yes, I think that was the word.”

There was a spontaneous round of laughter at my words. “Stop the presses!” Ollie shouted, earning him a loud shushing from the women, who reminded him there were sleeping children only a floor away. “Adah Price curses?! When did this happen?” His whisper shouting was nearly as comical as the shocked expression on his face.

“Oh, yes. She curses now. Though not very often.” Ruth tittered, gently nudging me with her shoulder.

“Just because I don’t curse in front of you all very often doesn’t mean I don’t curse now.”

“Pics or it didn’t happen!” Gideon demanded.

“I have no idea what that means.” The confusion must have been written on my face, based on the laughter that rang throughout the room a second time.

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