Page 92 of A Lesson In Beginning

“And why not?”

“Because if I tell you, and open up to you like this, then not only will you leave, but I’ll be hurt.”

“And if you push me away, what then?”

“Then at least I won’t be torn apart.” My muttered words barely passed my lips, quiet and timid as a mouse. I didn’t want him to see this, to know this part of me. My insecurity was my own, to be handled by me and not shown to the world. But it was nearly impossible for me to lie to Joel.

“I don’t think I understand.”

“Joel, I know that you know some about the life I lived in Zion. But what you know is primarily from what Levi, his brothers, or their wives have told you.”

“Yes.”

“That isn’t my story. My story isn’t as glamorous as theirs. I wasn’t one of the saviors. I wasn’t one of the chosen few. I was married to one of the villains, and —” My voice cut off with a sob. I swiped angrily at the tears that had slipped down my cheeks, unbidden and unwanted.

“I’m right here, love. You can tell me.” He moved his chair the last few inches closer to mine, leaning over to take my hands in his.

“I can’t, though.” I hung my head in shame, the tears falling without ceasing.

“Why not?”

“I’m not ready.” It was a barely whispered response, but I knew he had heard me.

“Okay. I understand. I will not pressure you to tell me anything, but I do have a few questions I need answered. I promise they aren’t about your past, or even really about our last scene. Not really, anyway. Is that alright?”

I nodded my head, not trusting my throat to even allow me to utter the words.

“First of all, I need to know if you are okay with the things that happened during our last scene. I don’t need you to go into too much detail, but I need to know if I crossed a line. Please, can you tell me that at least?”

“You didn’t cross any lines, Joel. I promise.” My eyes found his, the pain and worry written in those beautiful blue depths nearly ripping my wounded heart open again.

“Good. I’m glad to hear that. My next question is a very important one. Do you still want this? This dynamic we’ve only begun?”

“I don’t know if I can answer that.”

“Would you be willing to try?”

I nodded and took a deep breath to try to regain some modicum of control. I closed my eyes for a moment, then opened them again and answered. “I do want it. But it’s complicated.”

“It’s okay if you need time to process and think, Adah. I promise, I’m fine with it. I just need you to promise you’ll communicate with me. I am a very patient man when I want to be. And you, lovely girl? You are so fucking worth the wait.”

His hand cupped my cheek, his thumb brushing a stray tear away. I leaned into his touch, my eyes closing at the very feel of him.

“Just promise me you’ll talk to me. When you’re ready, and in your own time. In the meantime, I only need to know that you are okay, and what boundaries you need placed.”

“Boundaries?” My brow furrowed in confusion, my voice raw with tears.

“Do you want complete separation from me? If you do, that’s alright. I won’t call or text you. Hell, I’ll even talk to Levi and tell him I can’t work in the kitchen here any more. At least not until you tell me you’re ready.”

“That’s not what I want, Joel. I don’t think I can go without seeing you, without talking to you. I just can’t do…” My words failed, my hand gesturing between the two of us.

“This. You can’t do a dynamic right now. I understand completely.”

Suddenly, a thought popped into my mind, one that had my stomach dropping out of my body again with worry.

“What happens if I take too long?”

“What do you mean?”

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