Page 90 of A Lesson In Beginning

“Mmhmm.” The mumbled consent was the best I could manage. I grabbed my belongings from the locked cupboard and turned, seeing him for the first time in a week. Just the sight of him made my knees wobble slightly, but I took a deep breath, and pushed those feelings back down deep where they belonged.

He ushered me through the door first, guiding me with a hand outstretched towards the upper offices. We walked in silence, him beside me, until we had made it up the stairs to the offices. I turned to go up one more flight, to the roof as usual, but he stopped me with a hand on my lower back, guiding me back to the door to the offices.

As soon as he had redirected me, his hand moved away, as though he had touched fire and was being burned. The motion stabbed me to the core, pain radiating through my soul. He couldn’t even touch me. Not that I could blame him.

“Let’s go down this way.” He led me to an empty room, gesturing for me to sit in one of the open chairs that surrounded the large oval conference table. Glancing around the room, I realized it was the same room he had brought me to all those weeks ago, when I had the panic attack after seeing the service scene.

He sat down in the chair beside me, but immediately put some distance between us, scooting the rolling chair further away from mine. I couldn’t deny the pain his distance caused. Funny to think that only moments ago, I was grateful for the distance of half a continent, but now that he was here in front of me, even a few feet cut me to the core.

The silence was deafening as we both simply sat there.

“Did you want to speak with me about something, Joel?” I asked, trying to paste that false smile back on. Try as I might, I simply couldn’t.

“Yes. I did. How was your holiday?”

“You brought me up here to discuss how my Thanksgiving was?”

“No, but I felt pleasantries might be a good way to start.” Immediately, I realized what was happening. He had brought me up here to officially end things between us.

My heart sank to the floor, the nausea bubbling up as the painful reality sunk in.

“Oh.” It was all I could say. My throat tightened painfully, words nearly impossible as I clenched every muscle in my body tightly, trying desperately to stave off the tears that threatened to well up in my eyes at any moment. My heart raced, panic drumming slowly in the very center of my being, growing stronger with each second that ticked by.

“So, was your holiday good? Did you enjoy your time with your family?” His tone wasn’t cold, but it also was nothing like I had ever heard from him.

“It went very well, thank you. How was yours?”

“It was alright. Chaotic, as family time usually is back home.”

“I thought you weren’t returning for a few more days.”

“Are you upset that I came back early?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Yeah, well, you haven’t said much of anything lately, have you?”

I made myself smaller there in that office chair, his acerbic, biting tone shocking me.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” He sighed heavily, the bridge of his nose pinched between two fingers.

“You can say anything you wish, Joel. I deserve that.”

“Deserve? Deserve what? My frustration? No, you don’t.”

“But you are frustrated.”

“Yes, I am. But that’s my problem.”

“Just say it, Joel.”

“Say what?”

“That you are ending things.”

“You think I’m ending things?”

“Well, aren’t you?”

---