Page 60 of A Lesson In Beginning

“Distract me for a moment. I’m just frustrated at the thing.”

“Happily!” She joined me on my bed excitedly. “So, how was last night with Joel?”

I glanced at the clock on the wall.

“I’m proud of you, Ruth.”

“For what?”

“For waiting this long to actually ask me that. I was certain that you’d be waiting at the door, ready to bombard me with questions the moment I walked in.”

“No. As much as I wanted to, Levi reminded me of how fragile the time post-scene can be, especially when it is so new. I wanted to give you time and space to process before I brought it up. You seemed to be okay last night, and today — if not a little murder-y towards electronics.”

“Thank you for giving me some space.”

“Is it okay if we talk about it now?”

“I suppose.” I closed the laptop, settling onto my bed cross-legged and comfortable.

“So, how was it?” She was nearly vibrating with excitement.

“It went very well.”

“It went very well? That’s it? That’s all you’re going to give me?” She scoffed, pouting.

“What do you want me to say, Ruth? It was incredible? That I had no idea the intimacy between a man and a woman could be like that? That it shocked me to my core, and has me thinking of nothing but him every single second since the moment it ended?”

“I mean, that would be a start, yeah!”

“I don’t know what to say. It was all of those things and more, and less, and… I just don’t know.”

“Confusing? Nearly to the point of being infuriating, because you can’t find words for the feelings that you have? Irritating, because while you have a million and one incredibly positive, wonderful things to say, there are also points that are confusing and impossible to name, let alone explain?” I gaped at her, at that knowing look etched on her face. For a split second, I wanted to be angry at the fact that she could apparently read me like a book. Which was absolutely not what I wanted, not when I tried so hard to keep my thoughts to myself.

“Yes. That.”

“Can I help you process?”

“I don’t even know what that means.”

“When Levi first showed me his kinks, when we first started playing, I turned to my journals. Based on the fact that you just started a new journal, I’m guessing you have done the same where Joel is concerned.” She nodded over towards my bedside table where my old journal sat, pages obviously worn from writing, reading, and re-reading my entries over and over. The new journal sat beside it, still open, with a pen tucked into the inside cover from earlier today.

“I’ve written a dozen thoughts about last night, each more fragmented and confusing than the last.”

“It took me a while to figure out that while processing is important, how you process is just as important.”

“Well, as I’m basically flailing like a fish out of water over here, so please help.” I smiled, grateful for her openness and kindness in that moment. In another time, we would have tread these waters with brutal verbal sparring and vicious anger towards one another. The fact that we could now sit and be honest and open with one another showed just how far we had come over these past months.

“For me, I have to lay it all out in a very strategic manner. I write out all the positive things, and then the things that are more confusing.”

“The positive things are easy. There was so much about last night that was — wonderful doesn’t even begin to express it.”

“So what about the things that have you confused or worried?”

“He pulled away.” The words were out of my mouth before I could think. My cursed blushing reared its ugly head, spreading over my cheeks, but I did not pull back from the vulnerability of the moment, despite my instincts telling me to do just that.

“He pulled away from what?”

“From me.”

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