Page 27 of A Lesson In Beginning

“This is too much, Talia.” The whispered words barely made it past my lips, almost catching in my throat as I attempted to push them past muscles strained with emotion.

“Nonsense. The transition from Zion to the modern world wasn’t an easy one for me, and I had Zeke and his brothers to help me. I just want you to know that you don’t have to do this alone.”

My eyes welled up with tears at her words. “I don’t even know where to begin. There are so many things I know I need, and I haven’t the slightest idea where to begin.” I laughed, wiping away the few errant tear drops that had spilled.

“Do you have a list?” We both began folding the clothing, placing them in piles to be stuffed back into the bags they came in.

“In my head, yes. Levi helped me with a list shortly after we arrived, though I have not written one down.”

“It’s good to hear you call him Levi.” She shook her head, chuckling good-naturedly.

“To be honest, I think that language has been one of the hardest things for me to acclimate to. Not that I can truly say I have acclimated.” I ran my hand over the corduroy pants one more time before slipping the outfit into the bag, hat included.

“No, you still talk like a Zion girl, through and through.”

“How did you make the change? I long too. But it isn’t easy.” Sighing with frustrated exasperation, I rose to my feet, helping Talia gather the bags and set them by the door for me to take when we left.

“Honestly, the biggest thing for me happened before leaving Zion. I found Zeke. Finding someone I could be completely myself with, where I could let my guard down, helped me the most.” I followed her back to the living room, both of us sitting on the sofa to relax and talk.

“Well, that would seem to be out of the question.” Scoffing derisively, I fiddled with my skirt, straightening the non-existent wrinkles anxiously.

“Let me be clear, Adah. You do not need a man to give you that. That’s what we’ve all been trying to show you since you arrived. We are here for you. You have us. And you can let us in — when you’re ready.” She reached across the sofa, squeezing my hand gently for a moment.

“I know you are. I want to believe it. But it’s difficult.”

“Why is it difficult?” She turned on the sofa, slipping one leg under the other until she was seated in a relaxed, comfortable position, her elbow propping up her head against the back of the sofa.

“I am not sure. There is a distrust I have, with others and with myself. I am struggling to make sense of what I knew and what I now know. It’s difficult to pinpoint exactly what is true and how I feel, and who I should trust.” Shame washed over me, the vulnerability of my truth making it difficult to meet her gaze.

“Well, I’m not here to pressure you into it. But know that you can relax around us. You’re allowed to not be on all the time.”

“On?” I glanced at her, confused by the turn of phrase — a feeling I was becoming more and more familiar with, unfortunately.

“You don’t have to be rigid and constantly in control. You’re allowed to relax, to let loose and just be yourself. It can be difficult, but I promise you, it’s one of the most rewarding things out here. There are no expectations on you to be the perfect woman, the perfect Christian, the perfect wife, the perfect mother.”

“I’m not so sure about the perfect mother part, Talia.” I grinned, trying to allow myself the idea of letting go as she described.

“Well, I can’t argue with that. Motherhood is a challenge in and of itself. I’m not sure any mother feels they are doing enough.”

I nodded agreement, enjoying the moment of simple camaraderie with another mother. We lapsed into silence for a moment before Talia returned to our earlier conversation.

“So, what things on your list are stressing you out?”

“Oh goodness, so many things! Levi and Ruth took me to their bank a few days ago to open a bank account. It was surreal to do such a thing. I had received my first paycheck from The Temple, and needed a place to deposit it. To open a bank account without a husband to vouch for me — it was an odd experience, to say the least.” I shook my head, remembering just how out of sorts the entire ordeal had made me feel.

“But, you did it. That had to feel empowering, didn’t it?” Her words had me perplexed. My mouth opened to respond, to argue her point, but as my thoughts drifted over the experience, I realized she was correct. It was empowering. It was something I had never thought I would do or would be allowed to do. Yet here I was, a woman with a job and a paycheck and a bank account. I had come further than I had ever dreamed prior to leaving Zion. Even if the circumstances made these tasks necessities, it did not mean they were any less of an accomplishment.

“I suppose I hadn’t thought about it like that.” She gave me a smile that I could not help but return.

“What else is on your list? Is there something we could help you with?” Her earnest desire to help was touching.

“There are so many things I need to do. I need a cellular phone at some point.”

“Cell phone. Or just a phone.” She teased me gently.

“Right. I need a phone. I also need to continue working at The Temple and build up not only my bank account but also something that Levi called a… credit score? I’m still not exactly sure what that even means.”

Talia chuckled ruefully. “To be honest, I’m still fairly certain that credit scores are completely made up. But you’re right, you need to have at least a passable credit score in order to get approved for a lot of things, including renting an apartment most of the time.”

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