Page 21 of A Lesson In Beginning

“Well, that’s not really the point. The point is why we use the phrase. We realized that how we communicate is far more important than we ever realized. Sometimes we have feelings we want help to fix, but sometimes we just want to feel heard and acknowledged. So when those feelings happen, we ask each other if we need a sounding board or advice.” The pieces clicked into place as I realized her meaning.

“I know a sounding board would be nice, but perhaps I need advice. To be honest with you, I’m not sure.” I tried not to fidget with my hands as I spoke. “I just find it difficult.”

“What part are you finding difficult?” There was no judgment in her tone that I could find, not that it made speaking such things aloud any easier.

“It is difficult to discuss these things. I’m quite used to handling them on my own. But I know too little of the modern world, and you are the person I am closest to that I could talk to about it. But you are also my younger sister. It is you who should be coming to me for advice, not the other way around.” She laughed lightly at my words, but I took no offense to her tittering.

“I understand where you are coming from completely. I thought the same thing for a long time, even after starting our therapy sessions. It was so… so… secular. And so against what we had been taught. It took a lot of work for us to really begin deconstructing everything that had happened. Honestly, it would be good for you to do the same, if and when you are ready for it.”

“I’ll have to think about it.” I nervously fiddled with my hands, picking at my cuticles unconsciously. It was a bad habit I had developed as a child; one I had curbed long ago, but still seemed to find its way to the surface whenever I felt stressed or nervous. Ruth gently put her hand over mine, calming my overanxious jitters.

“Well, that’s a conversation for another day, then. For now, why don’t you tell me what had you tossing and turning all night and causing you to lose sleep? This is a safe space, and you can be honest with me.” Her last statement was one that need not have been stated. I knew her words and her intentions were sincere.

“Well, it has all just been so much to process, if I’m being honest.” I sighed heavily, trying to determine exactly where to begin.

“I can’t even imagine, Adah. The trial with Mother and Father, and then with Josiah? It has to have been heavy for your heart to bear.” She squeezed my hand gently, providing a modicum of comfort in a tense conversation.

“Yes, that part has been difficult beyond expression; however, that’s not really what kept me from sleeping last night.”

“What was it then?”

“It was all of these new things. The world outside of Zion is so strange and foreign to me, and then to add the world of BDSM to it? It’s been confusing.” I did not tell her about the fact that thoughts of Joel and his smirk had played across my mind more than a few times during my journaling.

“I remember that feeling far too well. Although, I did not have to deal with the modern world on top of it; not to that degree, at the very least.” Just hearing her admission made me feel less alone.

“You have no idea. But all of it has left me feeling quite unsettled.”

“You don’t have to work at The Temple, Adah. Truly, we can help you get on your feet and help you find a position that is better suited for you.” I held my hand up, curtailing any other statements she was about to make before she could utter them.

“No. I do not wish to find a different position. Not right now, at least. I can handle working at The Temple. I just have thoughts, questions, and just an overall lack of understanding that makes it feel somewhat daunting, no matter what I do.” Sighing again, I lifted the coffee mug to my lips, less for the taste of caffeine on my tongue, but more for the distraction it provided me.

“You can ask me anything you wish. Or talk to me about anything.” Her offer was kind, but I was unsure whether it was a good idea to burden my sister with my thoughts on the matter. “I’m serious. I had no one to talk to when Levi first introduced me to kink. It was unbearably difficult to manage my thoughts all alone. If I didn’t have my journals at that time, I don’t think I would have stayed married to the man, let alone go through all we went through.” She held a far off look, as though she was recalling the memory with a wistful fondness.

“Levi mentioned you journal.”

“He did?” Her brow furrowed slightly with confusion at my admission.

“Yes. I went in search of pen and paper to write down my own thoughts last night and found him working away in the office. He is quite the dedicated man, isn’t he?”

“That he is. Wait, you journal?”

“Yes. Don’t you remember all the journals we wrote as children?” I smiled at the memory of the two of us, scribbling away our thoughts and prayers on the small booklets of paper our mother had assembled for us as young girls.

“Oh, my goodness!” She clapped her hands together, raising them to her lips as she smiled at the distant memory. “We would hide them under our mattresses for fear that Father would find them.”

We both laughed, remembering those days of innocence long since past. The memory was tinted with a sadness for my younger self now; a feeling that I had only recently gained enough perspective to have. Since leaving Zion, I had come to realize that no child should have to be afraid of their father in that way. No child should have to hide something as innocent as a journal for fear of retribution and punishment. I silently renewed my vow to show Samuel what true love was before continuing.

“So last night, Levi gifted me one of your empty journals. I hope you do not mind. I promise to replace it when —”

“Adah, I swear if you are about to say you’ll replace it with your first paycheck, I’ll scream. Take it! Take as many of them as you wish. My home is your home. You are welcome here. You do not need to repay us for anything. Not a single thing.” She leaned forward in her seat, her words ringing in my ears. The look of pure, genuine sincerity written over her soft features was enough for me to begin to believe her — and Levi, for that matter. So, perhaps it wasn’t the worst idea to confide my troubles in my sister.

“I am confused.” I blurted the words out before I could concoct a reason to withhold them any longer.

“Confused about what, exactly?”

“I’m confused by what I know to have been true for my entire life and…” I trailed off, reconsidering this decision to bare my shameful thoughts to her.

“And what?”

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