Page 109 of A Lesson In Beginning

“What did you expect? I thought you were wearing a dog collar!” She nearly collapsed on the bed in a fit of giggles. “Well, a few nights after I first arrived, before the conversation where you explained about BDSM, I saw the two of you in the kitchen. You were stressed out. It was late at night, and all the lights were off except for the light above the stove. I had gone down to get a glass of water, and there the two of you were. He snapped his fingers, and you knelt in front of him. I had no idea what to make of it.”

“Oh, hell. That had to be traumatizing in and of itself.”

“I wouldn’t exactly say traumatizing, but I had no idea what was going on. I thought he was hurting you. But I now know what was going on. Honestly, looking back at it with the knowledge I have now, it was a beautiful moment. I’m glad you two have each other. I’m happy for you, Ruth.” She smiled at me, both of us sharing a moment of happiness that didn’t really need to be spoken.

“Joel is good for you too, you know? I’m glad you two found each other. Have you told him about the new place?”

“I did. He’s really excited for Samuel and I. He offered to help us move, but I told him no.”

“Why would you tell him no?”

“Because I think I need to do this on my own.” I stacked a few items together, placing them in a box.

“I suppose you do have five strong men ready to help. A sixth really will only get in the way. I’m pretty sure Levi has already orchestrated the whole thing. When we moved into this place, he had spreadsheets for everything. He purchased different colored stickers. Each room was assigned a different color, and he hung a laminated piece of construction paper in each room. All we had to do was match the sticker on the box to the color of paper in the room. No scribbling over boxes. That’s unorganized, Ruth. This way is better. Trust me.” Her last words were spoken in a decidedly horrible impersonation of her husband.

“Actually, I won’t be accepting any help from the Temple family, either.”

“Adah, please let us help you. Moving is no small task. Trust me.”

“I know what it takes to move. Maybe not as well as you know, but please allow me this. I’ve already hired a moving company to come help me. I need this. I need to do this on my own. Completely. You and Levi have helped me in so many ways. Let me do this. Just me. For myself.”

For a moment, she simply stared at me in silence, regarding me with curiosity as she tried to come to terms with my wishes. Slowly, understanding dawned in her eyes, but there was sadness as well. I knew she wanted to help, but I desperately needed her to understand me about this one thing.

“Alright. I can understand that. Although, as your sister, it’s incredibly hard to let you do this alone.” I reached out a hand to her, taking hers in mine.

“We’ve both watched the other do many things that were hard. We’ve had to stand back while the other takes steps that have been unbearable to watch. But look at where we are now! Let me stand on my own two feet. You have told me so many times over these past months just how strong I am, and I am so grateful for that reminder. So, let me be strong. On my own.”

Tears welled up in her eyes, and my own pricked just beneath the surface.

“Okay, enough of this. Let’s talk about something happier. Let’s talk about you and Joel.”

“What about me and Joel?”

“Well, things seem to be shaping up well between the two of you. Don’t think I didn’t notice that beautiful collar you’ve been wearing lately.” She pointed at the gold necklace, and I couldn’t help but touch it with my fingers. Just the feel of it calmed and soothed me.

“We are doing quite well, and yes, he gave me this collar when we made things official. It’s quite beautiful, isn’t it?” I toyed with it, enjoying the feel of it around my neck.

“It is beautiful. I’m happy for you. But is that all there is between the two of you? I’ve seen the way he looks at you. He has feelings for you. And if I know you at all, you have feelings for him, too.”

“Yes, I do. And we’ve told one another that, though…” I trailed off, not yet wanting to speak the truth I knew in my heart.

“Though what?” She eyed me, a knowing gleam in her eye. I stayed silent, turning to grab another stack of things to be sorted and packed, ignoring her comment. “You love him, don’t you? You can tell me. I promise not to say a word.”

I sighed, my head dropping, frustrated at just how easily she could read me. For a split second, I missed the days where we barely spoke, where we led completely separate lives. Granted, that wasn’t actually true. I hated every moment of the distance that had once separated us.

“You’re not getting off the hook that easily, sis. Spill the beans.”

“I really hate that saying.”

“You hate all sorts of sayings. Get on with it. Tell me.” I sat in silence, unrelenting in my stubborn refusal to answer her. “Adah, I know that emotions are not exactly your strong suit, but admitting you have feelings for someone isn’t all that bad. I promise it’s not. And besides, you’ll probably feel better once you open up about it. I’m a safe place you can use. Use me. Please?”

“I’m sure Levi would love to hear you say that, but I promise you, it won’t work on me.” Shaking my head, I turned back to the boxes before me. If I looked at her, she would see right through me.

“Fine. If you’re going to be stubborn, then I’ll just have to fight fire with fire.”

“Oh, and what does that mean?” As I turned a scowling, snotty look in her direction, she fired her shot.

“I dare you to be honest. With me, but most importantly, with yourself.”

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