Page 99 of A Lesson In Beginning

CHAPTER 27

“I think I may have gotten you hooked on those lattes, love.” Joel teased from the driver’s seat. After texting him the day before and telling him I wanted to talk, we had both agreed that while getting coffee was an absolute necessity, we didn’t really want to have this conversation in public. Instead, he had offered to take me back to his apartment.

I had to admit, the thought of going back to his apartment filled me with equal amounts of excitement and dread. The last time I had been there, I had hurt him. I had run away from the truth of how I felt. But I reminded myself that in the past several weeks, much had changed. I had changed.

“Listen, at least I’m not over there sipping on chocolate overload. That drink has to have enough sugar in it to kill a horse.” I teased him, relaxing into the gentle friendship we had re-established over these past weeks.

“I don’t care. Sugar fuels me and makes me happy.”

“Are you ever not happy, Joel Whitlock?”

“Rarely.”

I smiled at him, the both of us settling into a comfortable silence as he pulled into the underground parking garage of his apartment complex. It was a short distance from the coffee shop, but the temperatures had dropped significantly over the past week. Snow fluttered down against the windshield, but it wasn’t enough to stick to the ground. Instead, it was like a snow globe, little flakes dancing in the wind, only to be melted away as they touched down to Earth.

Once parked, we made our way inside and over to the elevator, which would take us up to the top floor where his apartment was. The ride up in the elevator felt nearly suffocating with the sexual tension I felt. I wanted to touch him. To grab his hand, and just feel his presence in a more real way. I missed him terribly, and desperately.

One short walk to his apartment later, we stripped off our coats. He led me to the couch, settling in beside me, though still far enough away that we were not touching. I resisted the urge to move closer; the thought of enjoying coffee with him, snuggled up on the couch while the snow came down around the windowed room, was almost too fierce to ignore.

“I’m glad you texted. I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too, Joel. I know it’s taken me far too long to be ready to talk, but I’m ready now. And I just hope I’m not too late.” Sipping my coffee slowly, I kept my eyes lowered, embarrassed at how long it had taken me to come to terms with my trauma, and still slightly worried that he was ready to move on and be done with my emotional insecurities.

“I told you before, Adah, I’m not going anywhere. Until you tell me this is over, that you are ending this, I’m here. I’m in it.” Our eyes met for one brief moment. Nothing but the truth shone back in his gaze.

“It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with things, but I’m finally ready to talk. Ready to be open with you about everything. I want to tell you all of it this time.” He stayed quiet, resting against the couch with one arm slung over the back, allowing me the space to speak in my own time. “That night, the last night I was here, things became overwhelming. I was completely wrong about what I thought a kink dynamic was like. I had thought honorifics were just names you called one another, like calling someone hun, or sweetheart. And while that’s not entirely untrue, it’s also not the whole truth of it. Hearing you call me wildfire, and calling you Sir, hit a deep place inside of me. I couldn’t make sense of it all then. It was too much. And I’m embarrassed at how long it took me to figure it all out.”

“I understand that completely.”

“Growing up in Zion did more damage than I had realized. I mean, I realized it, but I hadn’t understood the true depth of what I had gone through, let alone accepted it. I’ve had to come to terms with a lot of things over the past two months. And it wasn’t until I really opened up about those things, and started to accept them, that I could accept the truth of what happened that night.”

“I am here to listen to anything you wish to tell me, but I am eager to hear your side of what happened that night.”

“I know it must have been difficult for you. I could see that I had hurt you, and that tore me apart. It was never my intention.”

“I understand that, love. I do. Trauma can be an absolute bitch. I know it wasn’t your intention to hurt me that night. I have to admit, it wasn’t easy to see in the moment, but I tried to give you the space you needed, and to understand why you might need that space.” He reached out, touching my hand for a moment before pulling away. But I didn’t want that. I needed his touch. Flipping my hand over, I grabbed hold of his and held on tightly.

“No, this is okay.” He simply smiled and squeezed back just as tightly. “I need you to understand what I went through so I can explain what happened. When I told you about Zion before, I wasn’t completely forthcoming. I didn’t lie about anything, but I did gloss over and sugar-coat a number of things. But I want to be completely honest now; I want you to know the real horrors of my past."

I paused, trying to find the right words.

"The longer I’ve spent away from Zion, the more apparent it has become to me. I’ve realized that I wasn’t just raised in a cult, how most people think of cults. It was barbaric. They treated women with such disregard and such violence, it was unimaginable. We were treated like chattel, forced to marry and breed at the will of the Elders of our church. The Reverend convinced us all that what we were doing was a part of God’s divine plan. But it was all a lie.”

“Forced to marry?” He asked, his brow furrowing in confusion. “I mean, you mentioned arranged marriages before, but I guess I assumed that you still had some say in the matter. Are you saying that you couldn’t even say no?”

“Yes. None of us, not me, not Ruth, Levi, or any of the Temples you know, married of our own free will. Our fathers and the Elders of the church arranged all our marriages. It was only if the Reverend himself approved that we were allowed to wed.”

“So, if you had feelings for someone and the Reverend disapproved?”

“There were no feelings to be had. Girls were not allowed to fraternize with boys. We had no opportunity to form feelings for someone.”

“So the Elders simply told you who to marry and you just had to. That’s horrific.” There was no judgment in his tone, only shock.

“Exactly. So, when my father told me I was to marry Josiah, I knew it was my godly duty, and I agreed without argument. But Josiah wasn’t like the Temples. He wasn’t one of the good guys.” I took a shuddery breath. Just the thought of the crimes he had committed made my chest tighten with anxiety and fear.

“You don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to.” Joel’s gentle understanding touched me, but I shook my head.

“No, I need to do this. I need you to understand. Because by understanding what I’ve come from, you’ll better understand me. I didn’t realize the importance of that before, but I do now.”

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