Page 95 of A Lesson In Beginning

“It means you have to prove it or he won’t believe you. I, for one, am all for this plan.” Levi teased. “Wait, let me see if I can get this right.” He tapped his chin thoughtfully for a moment before an utterly sinister grin spread over his face. “I dare you to curse. Give us your best.”

“You told him?” I hissed at Ruth, who only shrugged. “Fine. Give me a moment to prepare.”

I made a great show of preparing myself, clearing my throat and shifting in my seat before I just let it rip.

“Shit. Cunt. Motherfucker. Ass. Bitch. Let’s see, what am I missing? Oh! Cock. Fuck. And for good measure, suck my dick, you pussy.” This last was directed squarely at Levi with a defiant grin.

I don’t know what I had expected. Laughter? Guffaws? Something. Anything. Instead, the entire lot of them simply stared at me, jaws agape in absolute shock.

“Right fucking on!” Ollie lifted his hand, high-fiving me with such excitement it left my hand stinging. “She’s one of us now, y’all.”

“Jesus, you did not just say y’all. Christ, Ollie.” Malachi’s gruff demeanor returned with a dramatic eye roll at his younger brother’s ridiculousness.

“I did, and I do not regret it. Deal with it, Kai.”

“I refuse. Now, let’s go get some more adult-style beverages.” Malachi detangled himself from Eden, beckoning the men to the kitchen.

“The beast needs his Christmas whiskey, it seems.” Eden giggled, shaking her head at her husband.

“Let’s be honest, here, Eden. That happens every night, not just on the holidays.” Delilah teased.

“That’s true. Come on, gals. Let’s go make our own. If we leave it to them, we’ll all be sipping straight whiskey instead of some sugary goodness.” Talia called the girls off to join the men, but Ruth stayed behind.

“Are you sure that’s all that’s weighing on your mind?” she asked, after the room had cleared.

“I don’t know, Ruth.”

“Be honest. You’re thinking of Joel.”

“Perhaps.” She shot me a knowing look, and I knew there would be no stopping her unless I told her the truth. “I know it’s been weeks, but I’m still struggling with the fact that, in the eyes of God, I am still married.”

“I know that has to be difficult.”

“It is, and it isn’t. It’s more like my brain and my heart won’t align quite right. Logically, I know that my marriage is over and done with. I know Josiah was a horrible husband, and a barely suitable father on the best of days. I know Joel is quite possibly the most wonderful man I’ve ever met. And for some reason, he is interested in me. I’d be a fool not to continue our dynamic. And yet, there is something inside of me that just won’t budge. It’s maddening, confusing, and has left me a chaotic mess of emotions.”

“Perhaps it’s that you don’t just want a dynamic with Joel.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that maybe you want more. Maybe you want an actual relationship with the man.”

“I don’t think I’m ready for that.”

“Why not?”

“It seems impossible. How do I go from sleeping with a man in a situation where I am only seeking to learn about the world of kink to dating him?”

“I can answer this one.” Naomi’s voice sounded from the doorway, joining us again with a colorful drink in hand. “When Gideon and I left Zion, we left. And I mean, left left. We didn’t speak to any of the rest of these clowns for months. We took time to feel the hurt, to start to heal. Nearly a year after we had left, that’s when it happened.”

“When what happened?” I asked, curious.

“When he asked me out on our first date.” She laughed, shaking her head.

“Wait, what? You two were already married.”

“Yes, we were. But we were forced into a marriage by a crazy cult leader. It wasn’t our choice. And that was an important fact; one that we both had to come to terms with. I didn’t trust myself, honestly. I had to figure out who I was outside of Zion before I could put any stock in my feelings for Gideon. You see, if I didn’t know myself, then how could I possibly know if I loved him because it was actual love, or if it was only because he was the man who got me away from the men who had kidnapped me as a child?”

I sat there in shock for a moment, her words sinking deep inside of me, resonating against some deep-seated truth that had yet to surface.

---