Page 80 of A Lesson In Beginning

We made our way through the aquarium entrance, immediately drawn by the crowds to the sea otters that played in their habitat near the entrance.

“Look, Mama! Otters!” Samuel squealed, tugging me towards the glass that separated us from the small river creatures. We were able to see under water as well as above, to watch them flip and play beneath the water’s surface, and then float on top.

I only watched for a moment before turning my gaze to my son. He was nearly vibrating with excitement, and I couldn’t help but match his energy. I’d never seen animals like this up close.

“Look at that, Sammy! They hold hands when they float. Can you see it?” Joel asked him, pointing to where two otters floated together happily.

“I can’t see it. Mama, help me!” He lifted his hands to me, wishing to be picked up, but Joel beat me to it.

“Can I help?” He asked my son, not me, and much to my surprise, Samuel nodded his head vigorously, turning to reach out to him instead of me. Perhaps I should have felt thwarted, or some other negative feeling, but all I felt was joy as I watched him lift my son up, holding him close as he leaned into the glass, pointing here and there. They whispered to one another, Samuel in complete awe of the animals.

A few moments later, we were ready to continue on, and Joel made to set Samuel back down on the ground.

“No! Up! Please!” He whined.

“Samuel, that’s not very kind. Joel was nice enough to pick you up, but it’s not his job to —”

“Sammy, buddy. No worries, friendo. I’ve got you.” I watched as he not only picked Samuel back up, but lifted him high in the air, situating him on his shoulders just as Zeke had done earlier. Hands held together, they started walking on. After a split second, he turned to me, flashing me that smirk that did a number on the butterflies in my stomach, and tossed his head toward the others.

“You coming, beautiful?” I paused for only a moment before returning his smile.

“You bet I am, handsome.”

We walked through the entire park, seeing everything from exotic fish, to snakes, to seals. Even a few creepy, crawling critters I would have rather skipped, though Samuel thought they were the coolest things he’d ever seen. All the while, Joel matched his enthusiasm, gasp for gasp, laughter for joyous laughter. They were two peas in a pod, and I could not have been happier. Well, perhaps that wasn’t entirely true.

There was something about it, watching the two of them together, that sent a pang deep in my chest. Like a stab in the heart with a blunt weapon I’d never seen before. Even as my heart swelled at the sight of the two of them together, something didn’t feel right. I pushed the feeling aside, dedicating myself to enjoying the day.

Don’t overthink it. That’s what Joel had said. Granted, it had been regarding our scene, but I felt the sentiment stood for this situation as well.

“Mama, can we go back to the sharks? Pretty please!” Samuel tugged at my hand, having left Joel’s shoulders, giving him a few minutes of reprieve.

“No, sweetheart, we’re heading on up this way. We’re almost done with the park, and it’s getting late.” Immediately, Samuel started to throw a fit, not that I was surprised. It had been a long day, full of much excitement and even more people. The poor thing was plumb tuckered out, not that he realized it.

“No! Please! The sharks! Mama!!” He threw himself on the ground, something I had not seen him do in quite a long time, but there we were, a full tantrum revving up.

“Samuel, little lamb, please stand up.” I crouched down, trying to pull him up from the ground, but the tantrum had begun and once such things had started, there was little I could do to pull him out of it, at least not in the middle of a crowded aquarium. His cries and shrieks of malcontent echoed through the cavernous room of the aquarium where we were, nearing the exit and nearly half a building away from the sharks he wanted so desperately to revisit.

Joel, much to my surprise, simply laid on the floor next to him, heedless of the people walking around us, scoffing and throwing us looks of judgment I had not seen since I had left Zion.

“It sucks, doesn’t it, Sammy boy?” Joel sighed heavily, but Samuel only continued his tantrum. “I want to go back, too, but it’s kind of a one-way thing, buddy.”

Still, no response from Samuel other than his cries of utter frustration and disappointment. Joel stayed silent for a moment, then took a huge breath, bringing his hands to his face. Then, to my utter mortification, he made a loud sound of flatulence with his hands. The sound rang out, echoing.

But Samuel stopped.

He sat up, looked at Joel with huge, wide eyes, and then promptly giggled. Joel didn’t stop there, however. Forearm pressed to his lips, he made the sound again, this time even louder and longer than the last.

Samuel mimicked his movements, blowing against his arm and making the tiniest little squeak of a noise. But his laughter — his laughter rang out, and the tears stopped.

Suddenly, I didn’t care about the spectacle they were making.

“What do you say, Mama? Join us?” Joel looked up at me as he asked, and, after a split second of hesitation, I plopped myself down on the ground beside them, raising my arm to my mouth and making the same horrific sounds they were making. A chorus of farting noises joined in behind us, and I turned to see the rest of our family joining in, particularly the men.

Laughter rang out amid the farting noises. A feeling of joy bubbled up inside of me, watching Joel help my son. Joy, and perhaps something else.

A few moments later, with the flatulent melodies finally ceasing, Joel sat up, turning to Samuel.

“It sucks to not do what you want sometimes, doesn’t it?” Samuel simply nodded, but the tears had stopped. “Big feels, tiny man. But you know what? I get big feels, too, sometimes. Big feels, and then I don’t know what to do with them.”

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