Page 16 of Fiendish Ways

He fought a crazed smile. That was him. The fucking dumbass. His eyes closed. Cree’s smile fell. His head spun from the smoke. Images of Nebraska filled his head. He no longer felt the cold. All he felt was done.

Chapter Nine

Spring came, and so too did the restlessness. Each day, Nebraska would grab a throw blanket and walk the property. It was still chilly, but some flowers fought to bloom. Every day, he got a little farther away from the cabin. A few times, he made his way to the bench where he made his ill-fated plans with King. He would sit for hours and stare at nothing. Nebraska kept hoping his love for Cree would die. It didn’t. He didn’t feel as numb any longer. A few times, he had revisited that terrible final night in his mind. He saw some things a little more clearly now. They never talked. Not about Cree anyway. They talked about Nebraska’s life all the time. Cree never broached the topic of his past. Hell, Nebraska hadn’t known about his present either. His life had been closed to Nebraska. He realized, while he had told himself it was to keep him safe from Archer, that wasn’t true. There was something broken inside Cree. Nebraska had never gotten a chance to help him. Now Nebraska was equally broken, and nothing mattered any longer.

Nebraska stared at the pond, mesmerized by the way the water rippled. He wondered how cold the water was and if he could walk into it and let the depths take him. Some people were born into this world to do nothing but hurt. Life kicked them and kicked them, stomping until there was nothing left. Nebraska was one of those people.

Something soft brushed his cheek. Nebraska’s eyes fell closed. It felt like he walked into a dream. His eyes opened, and he wasn’t hallucinating. A dandelion swept his cheek and appeared in front of his face. Nebraska’s fingers automatically wrapped around the stem. Cree filled the spot beside him. He didn’t look the same. His head was shaved, and he had lost a ton of weight. Cree’s facial hair had gotten a bit wild. But Nebraska would know his scent anywhere, and everything he thought he would feel seeing Cree again didn’t happen. He wasn’t scared or angry. Nebraska just felt sad. He had thought they were so beautiful. What a starry-eyed child he had been.

With his elbows resting on his knees, Cree stared at the water. Nebraska stared at him. They didn’t speak. Time passed. Neither of them moved. When his ass went numb, Nebraska stood. He headed toward the cabin without looking back.

“Will you meet me here again tomorrow?”

Nebraska didn’t answer. He kept moving. Maybe he would come tomorrow. Probably not, though. That night, things were extra difficult. He felt the emptiness harder than usual. Several times, his eyes shot open, and his gaze darted to Cree’s side of the bed. Then the pain would hit again when he remembered all he had lost.

The next morning, he paced for an hour before grabbing his throw blanket and heading for the door. When he opened it, he found a rose and a letter. Nebraska tucked both beneath the blanket against his chest. His feet carried him to the bench by the lake. It was empty. Nebraska wasn’t surprised. A part of him had known Cree wouldn’t show. For a few minutes, he stared at the water, working up the courage to open the letter. Finally, curiosity won.

Nebraska,

As much as I feel like this should be nothing but a huge, long apology, sometimes that’s not enough. Words without change is gaslighting. I don’t know if I can change.

Being with you, loving you, triggered something in me I didn’t know how to control. You see, you’re not the first time I’ve fallen in love.

For years, before Archer came along, I lived the worst sort of nightmare. I can’t talk about that, but I can say that being saved by Archer changed me. He was everything I wasn’t. He was charismatic and conniving enough to take over for my first boss, Wesley. Wesley was cold and cruel. Twisted. When Archer came to live with us, Wesley lost interest in me. I was too relieved to truly see why.

Like everyone else, I was completely enamored by Archer. I thought he loved me. Funnily enough, even while I knew he warmed Wesley’s bed, I still couldn’t stop wanting him. It tainted nothing for me. At least, that’s what I thought at the time. I thought, like me, Archer didn’t have a choice. Wesley wanted him. He had to obey. Then Archer married Wesley and I learned I had just been… well, nothing, I suppose.

Still, I ignored the betrayal and my broken heart. He had still saved me from a terrible life, securing my loyalty forever. I honestly thought I didn’t carry any scars from those days until I saw you with King. Everything felt the same. I couldn’t do it again. I knew I didn’t have the strength to watch you move from my heart to his when you’ve meant so much more to me than Archer ever did.

This excuses nothing. I never deserved you, but I still need you to know the whys. You deserve that. You’re owed the peace of knowing it was never you. Not for a single second were you to blame. It’s me. I’m damaged. There isn’t enough beauty in anyone or anything to fill my cracks. If anyone could fix me with love alone, it would be you. Some things are just too broken to be put back together. I’m one of those things. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It doesn’t mean we weren’t real. I’m just the devil to your angel. You’re the light. I’m the dark, sucking life from everything I touch.

Maybe one day, you’ll look back and not hate me. No matter what, you’re the one for me. I’ll love you until my dying breath. Please be at peace.

Cree

Nebraska went back to staring at the water. Cree was right. His explanation changed nothing. There was something completely different about the letter that was trying to squeeze the life from his chest. The note sounded like goodbye. There was only one way Archer would ever let him go, and it was the only outcome Nebraska couldn’t endure.

It had taken every ounce of Cree’s strength to stay away from the bench by the pond. Instead, he claimed his spot on their lounge and smoked. He stayed high more often than not. Cree couldn’t decide if he chose to waste away until he didn’t wake up any longer, or if he waited for some sign that it was time to eat that bullet. It didn’t matter. The outcome was the same. He could no longer live with himself. Nebraska had once been all smiles and happy chatter. The life had left him too, and that was on Cree. Some mistakes were too big to take back.

When darkness fell and the sounds inside the house quieted, Cree headed inside. He swayed on his feet as he climbed the stairs. A chuckle nearly choked him. Maybe he would fall and break his neck. That was a third option he hadn’t considered. As he reached his door, he couldn’t grasp the doorknob. It kept running away and forcing him to catch it. Finally, it turned beneath his hand. He crossed the threshold and froze. Nebraska sat on his bed. He blinked, wondering if he hallucinated.

Nebraska held up a piece of paper. “Why does this sound like a suicide note?”

He sounded angry. Cree got a suspicion this wasn’t a dream. He stepped inside the room and shut the door. His back fell against it as the floor rocked beneath him.

Nebraska sighed and climbed from the bed. “Come on. Let’s get you to bed.” He snagged Cree’s hands and helped him cross the bucking floor to his bed. His ass hit the mattress so hard, he bounced. Nebraska went to work, undressing him. Something inside Cree that had been building for months broke. Tears filled his eyes.

“Just leave me. You deserve better than to be here right now. This is what I deserve.”

Even through his tears, he saw Nebraska roll his eyes. “God. You sound just like my dad used to. If you want things to be different. If you want this to change, fucking work on it. Otherwise, this pity party doesn’t mean shit. It just sounds like another addict who can’t wait to abuse me again.”

Cree cried harder. He hadn’t shed a tear in his life he could remember. Now he couldn’t stop. “You think I was abusive? Fuck. You really should just let me die. I can’t live with that.”

Nebraska peeled off Cree’s shirt. While standing between Cree’s knees, he gripped Cree’s shoulders and held his stare. “No. If you really love me, then prove it. This isn’t the man I fell in love with. You haven’t been that guy for a while. But I know I didn’t imagine him and I know you weren’t pretending to be someone else. It was real. What we had was genuine and gorgeous. But no, I don’t want the man you are right now, and I can’t love the man you were at the end. Maybe I was wrong too. I don’t know anymore. But you can’t wipe the slate this way. You can only do more damage.”

He pushed, tumbling Cree into bed. His eyelids were too heavy to stay up so he could focus on Nebraska. A blanket pulled across him. The bed dipped at his hip. Nebraska’s fingers ran across his buzzed hair. “I still love you. Don’t make me hate myself for that.”

Oblivion carried Cree away, but he heard the words. He wouldn’t let Nebraska hate himself. No matter what it took.

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