Page 2 of Blackout

Once I was up to speed with new computers and software for not only my office but the shop outlets as well, I then needed to work on our social media and how to have a bigger online presence. For the last five years, I had been just like Grandpa James in that I didn’t even own a mobile phone. But now any free moment I had I was glued to it, trying to navigate my way through its fanciness.

An hour later and three wines in, I put my phone away. I had gone cross-eyed looking at the screen. I’d heard a sound through the microphone and noticed the men had picked up their guitars and were about to start their first set. I admired the way they made standing behind a microphone look so easy.

When my sister tapped me on the shoulder, I gathered her shift was over. We made our way up the stairs to an apartment above the pub – Addison’s current shelter arrangements. She changed out of her all-black work clothes and shook out her hair that was longer and a slightly lighter champagne colour than mine. Addison and I had inherited our father’s facial features. If I stared in the mirror long enough, I could see his full lips, slim nose, and army-green eyes. But I would always be marginally taller and have a curvier figure to Addison’s too-slim, tanned physique.

She found her clothes, and it was no surprise that her outfit was similar to mine: jeans, strappy flats and a low-cut V-neck singlet. Only her singlet was white and tighter than mine, and her necklace was a single pendant that sat just at the curve of her breasts. My singlet was loose and black, and my necklace was a white-gold Y-chain with a bar pendant that drew attention to the space between the fabric of my singlet and my breasts.

Running my fingers through my hair I contemplated a messy bun, but since I hardly ever wore my hair down, I combed my fingers through my soft waves and let my hair continue to fall down my back. I looked over at my sister; we could almost be twins with the way we looked tonight. Although our outfits were almost identical, Addison had chosen to ramp up her make-up by adding winged eyeliner to the already-bronzed eyelids she had worn for work.

We were out my sister’s apartment twenty minutes later and on our way down the stairs of The Royal. We quickly shuffled through the cool April-evening Melbourne air past the Fitzroy Town Hall on our way to Brunswick Street where Jam was located. The new karaoke bar was only two blocks from The Royal. I could see how long the line was the closer we got to the front door. Shit, I thought to myself when I saw that tonight was the grand opening. Maybe this is a bad idea. I wasn’t used to having this many people around me.

With a self-assured style that could only be my sister, Addison took my hand. We walked straight past everyone in the line, ignoring the comments being made, to stand in front of the bouncer at the entrance to Jam. The bouncer whistled once, then gave everyone in line a hard stare that made him look mean. The tick in his jaw only exacerbated his toughness. The line quietened down, and if it weren’t for Addison’s firm hold of my hand, I probably would have walked away.

‘Marcus.’ My sister leaned in to give the bulked-up bouncer a kiss on the cheek.

‘Addison.’ He wrapped her up in a hug.

I was only slightly jealous of their meaningful human connection, something I hadn’t had in my life for a long time. There was no time for another human being with the hours I worked, let alone a relationship.

Once my sister and the bouncer untangled themselves, she stepped back and introduced me. ‘Marcus, this is my sister Harley. Harley, this is Marcus.’

Marcus and I shook hands, and nothing more was said between the three of us. He instead reached for the door handle and stepped aside to open the door. ‘You ladies have a good night,’ he said as we walked past him.

We thanked him as we walked through the opened door and into the foyer. Beyond the entrance was more darkness, and I wondered if we were in the right place.

Not worried by the darkness, the ambience, the amount of people around us or the noise we could hear, Addison grabbed my hand again and led me straight to the bar to order a round of drinks. She ordered Chardonnay for me and a cherry bomb for herself, knowing I wouldn’t change my drink now that I had started on wine.

I took in Jam’s scene as I waited for my drink. The place was mysterious, and pockets of darkness surrounded us. There were no white lights to guide our way. The bar and the stage were aglow with a purple hue, which was the only light in this place.

As my eyes tried to adjust to the darkness, there was an uneasy vibe around me that I didn’t like, and my skin crawled with a shiver. ‘Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea,’ I said to myself as I decided whether or not I should stay.

My heartrate started to speed up to an uncomfortable level that made spots appear in my vision. The pit in my stomach that churned hot chips and wine around the same way a front-loader washing machine did, spasmed, then threatened to leave my mouth and make a mess on the floor in front of me. I fought for control of my body, but I was losing energy trying to keep my cool.

I knew it was too much to handle, and that I really should turn around and leave. I would be alright once I was outside in the cool Melbourne air and away from the stuffy and uncomfortable environment that had started to trigger a haywire response from my body. An experience I had only ever had once before and was a sure sign that I would more than likely black out.

My heart was running a race that my breathing couldn’t keep up with. My world was spinning by too quickly, and I thought I would puke just from the uneasiness. The grip I had on my tightly controlled world was slipping, and I didn’t know how to turn it around. If I didn’t get a grip, I would slide right into the second blackout I’d had in five years.

My body didn’t move, but my mind did. It spun around in circles, and I still couldn’t breathe in enough air. I tried to take in a deep breath but choked on the stale air of alcohol around the bar, then spluttered on an exhale that now made me feel dizzy. I swayed, and it had nothing to do with the music I could hear or the number of drinks I had consumed.

How long had it been since I’d felt this way? I asked myself in hope that I could take my mind away from my spiral into the abyss and think clearly about the last time I had blacked out. I had only suffered one other blackout, and it had happened on one traumatic night five years ago. I tried as much as possible to avoid thinking about what had happened that night. All my thoughts and every single feeling I’d ever felt had been shut down, turned off and bottled up. I didn’t want to experience another blackout, but I never knew how my body would react when it cracked from everything I’d bottled up. Just like tonight.

I reached out for purchase, and my palm landed on the bar. I tried once again for a deep breath, but the blackness crept in and started to take over. That was when I felt a hand on my hip. I turned instantly to face the person who had a hold of it, wanting to rage at them for begin so forward. But I hit a wall of muscle instead, and the rush of adrenaline that coursed through my body no longer had me on the verge of oblivion. I was thankful I hadn’t blacked out yet as I knew my fight-or-flight instinct was confused and didn’t know what to do. So it did nothing but block everything out and shut down every sense. My brain and body were stunned at the touch they felt on my hip, and I let go of the bar.

Sight, sound, smell, taste and touch had me frozen in a trance. With lips close to the shell of my ear, I heard a deep, husky voice say, ‘Let it out, or I’ll kiss those sweet lips of yours.’ As the words reached my consciousness, I slowly exhaled.

‘Breathe in and out. Let me have that breath of yours.’ His voice was all but a whisper for my ears only.

I took in a few steady breaths and felt my heartrate return to its normal, stable rhythm. However, my senses had misfired in their reboot; they now orbited this man in front of me and nothing else. Everything else was still a blur.

I breathed in cedar, the aroma of the muscle-man that still had his hand on my hip, and I looked up to catch brown eyes take in my green ones. My hands moved from my sides to his pecs as I reached up and leaned in to ask, with my lips so close to his that I could taste the bourbon on them, ‘Was I that far gone that I needed to be brought back with a kiss?’

My body stepped back to create space between us, not that there was space to give considering the amount of people around us. While I waited for this man to answer me, I took in his appearance as best I could in the purple hue that surrounded us. I tilted my head up to take in his clean-shaven face and hair that was short on the sides and at the back, but left longer on the top. With the perfect amount of tousle, his hair rivalled Zach Efron’s.

His smile was delightful with his lips curving upward, and I saw the corners of his dark eyes crinkle. The man himself was gorgeous, making my knees buckle. His voice washed over me and made me feel a calmness I hadn’t felt in a long time as he told me, ‘I guess we will never know.’

I gave this stranger a smile that lit up my eyes as I whispered, ‘Thank you,’ into his ear.

In her true nonchalant sisterly fashion, Addison had missed my meltdown. I turned for my drink and didn’t need to turn back to realise the wall of muscle had left. I no longer felt the heat from his palm on my hip. The level of unease in crowds that I was used to had returned, and there was no stable rhythm of my heart. Its pace was already quicker, and I already missed the calmness that the wall of muscle made me feel. Addison motioned for me to down my drink then she dragged me towards the stage for us to sing.

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