Page 300 of Wrong Pucking Player

I’m fighting the confusion wrapping in my mind, wondering why I’m dancing back and forth. The anxiety is growing as I acknowledge that I can’t hold my breath forever.

My purpose in this world was too damn bright to let it fizzle away into the pit of frigid darkness…

Maybe that’s why I was here at this moment.

I’d lived out my purpose, and my final act of kindness was to save Grandma Harvey, who never questioned my worth.

I wish I could tell her thank you… and goodbye.

My lungs are burning intensely.

I fight the odd thoughts, trying not to get pulled into the shadowed darkness, but then I’m remembering what’s happening yet again.

My ticking demise.

Tick-Tock.

My heart is palpitating like a wild beat of a drum at the peak of a heavy metal song.

No matter how much I want to flail my arms or kick my feet, I’m sinking farther and farther into the below-zero waters.The cold is unbearable, seeping into the depths of my bones and making it even harder now that I feel like a sinking stone.

It feels like all I can do is look upward and stare at the light from above as cracked ice continues to float upon the surface.

One of the culprits of my demise.

Oddly enough, the fear I originally felt begins to slip away.

With each second that ticks closer to my end, another wave of calmness rushes through me.

My body is begging for breath, and I know I can’t stop myself from gasping for what so many take advantage of.

Oxygen.

Only I’m greeted with chilled water that flows into me from my nostrils to my mouth, filling me up like a balloon.I won’t inflate like one and lift to the safety of the surface above.

Instead, I sink deeper, while I register how still my body has been this entire while. I can’t imagine desperately moving my arms, for the energy to do anything is slipping away.

My aching legs no longer burn or yearn for salvation.

I’m but a floating essence, drifting in this new world of water and calming serenity.

The oddest part of it all is the lingering sensation of wonder why I could never experience this level of peace above.My mind always spiraled on the whys.

Why did my family abandon me?

Why wasn’t I good enough for them?

Is it because I couldn’t be a doctor, lawyer, dentist, or a career that brought them pride?

Maybe being a female who couldn’t be a part of the hockey world and fulfill their legacies deemed me inadequate.

That could have been why they called me Alexandra on paper and called me Alex until I was submitted into the system.

My thought process over my born gender makes me smile in a nostalgic kind of way.

I feel like I’m switching between who I was when all of this began a few months ago and the present me.

Alexandra Mackenzie Andrews versus Kenzie Sofiya Androsovs.

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