Page 185 of Wrong Pucking Player

I walk closer to the wall, so I have some sort of direction, but I’m beginning to realize how stupid this really was.

Can’t see in front of me, and this place is like a maze with the same decor everywhere.

Mr. Champion said they’re finalizing the signs for tonight’s game with the Vipers, so fans won’t get lost getting to the rink where the game is happening versus the practice rink.

I really should have given up thinking I’ve memorized this place inside out.

If it was an emergency, my brain would be ready to find all the exits and how to get there, but right now? My brain’s being a douche.

Like the rest of my body after fucking things up with Xandra.

I never understood why they made fun of men when breakups happen. People always give off the impression that when a male experiences a breakup, it takes weeks if not months to get over it, while a woman will be ready to move forward to the next best thing with little remorse.

Those commercials and TikToks were laughable to me previously, but now I was experiencing it firsthand.

Struggling to move on while Xandra was well past that.

Watching her as she continued on with her internship like she wasn’t hurting only made me feel shittier.

As if our relationship didn’t even matter to her.

I know that’s not true, but when the world around me is quiet and I get lost in my dark thoughts, that’s what rings in my head.

You fucked up, and this is your consequence to bear.

When a woman moves on after a breakup, it means she gave up on the man long before.

Weeks, months, years.

Thinking that Xandra didn’t have hope in me leaves me no choice but to analyze everything I’ve done over the years. To acknowledge everything those around me were repeating, over and over again.

Honestly, I feel like an idiot for only now understanding the problems at hand.

Truthfully, Xandra was right.

I made her feel like a pawn instead of someone I deemed precious in my life. I’ve been so used to showing my affection with sex and passion but showing nothing in my actual actions.

Adding my fear of not making it known that we were a thing to those people who I call family and friends, matched with not inviting her to holiday dinners and events, made it seem like I was embarrassed to have her in my life.

That she wasn’t significant enough to be shown to the rest of the world at my side.

Deep within, that never was my intention, but that’s how it came across, and everyone told me the truth to my face.

I ignored it.

Thinking they were just talking hot air.

But the truth finally hit me in the face.

Now, here I am…

Without my Xandra.

My absence in her life has only made her blossom since. She called sick the next day after our fallout, but when she returned, she looked so much better.

Healthier? Prettier?

I just can’t put my finger on it.

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