“I’m thinking that I’m ready to burn the other pages.”
Ray smiled.
“Come on then.” Ray grabbed a box of matches and set up a plant pot on the patio. I tore each page in half before dropping them into the pot where Ray promptly dropped a lit match onto them.
“Would you have let me read them, if I’d asked?”
I considered it. It felt funny to hear Ray talk about whether I would ‘let him’ do something or not, as if I ever had any choice.
“When I first came in, no, but now – yes.” Ray nodded and pulled me closer. What would have been the point in keeping it from him? He’d already demonstrated that he didn’t need a diary to know my innermost thoughts. David had always been so good about asking me what I needed so that he could try and help me, but I admitted with a pang of guilt, Ray never needed to ask. He knew what I needed even before I did. He’d known last night that I’d needed pain to be able to sleep. He’d known this morning, despite my performance, that I was not okay. He’d known that I needed to process what had happened properly, and that I’d have a better chance of doing it in writing, away from him, than in a conversation, and I believed him when he said he’d known the kinds of thoughts that would be on my list. Maybe David could love me like Ray did, but he’d never be able to take care of me the way Ray could.
“How are you feeling now, pet?”
“Better.” It was true. I felt calmer, and a reassuring feeling of certainty had settled over me. My problems hadn’t gone away, but they didn’t feel so out of control anymore.
“Thank you, Master.” I don’t think either of us was shocked to hear the word leave my lips. Ray seemed to have known from the beginning that this was inevitable, and maybe to some extent, I’d known too. I wasn’t giving up on ever getting out, but I was giving up on trying to hate Ray.
Ray’s only acknowledgment of my words was a gentle nuzzling of his face into my hair, and a soft sigh against my ear. I think the relief took the last of the energy out of both of us, and when we went in to have tea, we both drifted asleep on the sofa, my head resting on his chest.
15
I woke before Ray and decided to start moving my things into his… our room. I couldn’t help but replay the events of the previous night as I worked. Every time I walked past the bed, I recalled the sensation of him on top of me… inside me. I couldn’t see how we were going to lie side by side in that bed in a few hours’ time and not sleep together again. I felt oddly resigned to the idea, despite all the turmoil I’d felt since last night. Maybe it was because of the purging of emotions that had occurred that morning, or maybe, it was because revealing my thoughts to Ray had made me feel much more vulnerable than revealing my body. Maybe it was just apathy borne out of sheer emotional exhaustion. Either way, I would not try to fight whatever happened next.
I heard Ray calling my name.
“I’m in your… our room.”
He seemed to take a while to register what was happening as he took in the sight of me arranging my things on the bedside table. At first, I thought he was displeased. Had he changed his mind about me sharing his bed?
“You said I should move my things…”
“I did.” He smiled. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m okay.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, Master.” I could see, this time, the effect that word had on him. His eyes flashed predatory, relieved and triumphant all at once.
“You trust me then?”
I nodded. “You always seem to know what I need.”
Ray came and stood behind me, wrapping his arms around me. His body was still warm from sleep, and I felt myself melting into him.
“It’s because I love you.”
“I love you too, Master.”
“I knew you’d be mine again.”
He leant down and kissed me, and it felt like we were right back where we’d left off all those months ago. I knew that just because it felt right, didn’t mean it was right, but it made it harder to resist falling under whatever spell it was he always used to so easily ensnare me.
“But I must admit, I’m surprised you’re so keen to warm my bed again.”
“I didn’t think I had a choice, Master.”
“And if you did?” I blushed and tried to wriggle free, but Ray was having none of it. “Oh no, you’re not getting away with that. I want to hear you say it. Tell me how much you’re aching to be back in my bed.” He turned me to face him. “I bet that’s all you’ve been thinking about while you’ve been up here, isn’t it? Every time you see that bed, hmm?”