Page 27 of Reclaimed

“Thank you.”

Looking over Ray’s shoulder, I could see he’d been busy while I’d been upstairs. He’d cleared furniture to give us some dancing space, and he’d lined up various drinks on the table as if it were a bar.

“What would my birthday girl like to drink?”

I opted for a vodka and cranberry. I hadn’t had one in forever, and seeing as I was taking this enforced tumble down memory lane, I thought I might as well. Ray started the music, and it almost felt like a proper party. At first, we just talked, but eventually, Ray wouldn’t wait any longer for a dance. I felt awkward at the beginning, but dancing had always been the one thing in life that consistently brought me joy, and I quickly started to feel more relaxed. I was even beginning to enjoy myself.

Ray’s influence in my life had been what had changed me from the girl who never danced at parties to the girl who was always first on the dance floor. I’d never thought of myself as beautiful, or fun, or special, until I met him. Was there no one else who was capable of making me feel that way?

It wasn’t long before things started to become blurry, and my dancing became more clumsy and out of control. I didn’t care, and neither did Ray. The world was better like this – music and colours and movement and warmth and flavour – I’d rather have this than a normal day of being with Ray. The more carefree my dancing became, the more Ray’s hands seemed to find their way onto my body. When he finally pulled me to him, I giggled, exhilarated and out of breath from dancing, and let my body press lightly against his. I rested my head on his chest so that I didn’t have to see his face and swayed gently with the music.

“It’s good to see you being yourself again. I like watching you have fun.”

“I like having fun.”

“I remember.”

“Thanks for all this.”

“You’re welcome. I enjoy making you feel good.”

“I remember.”

Ray lowered his head towards mine so that I could feel his breath on my neck when he spoke.

“There are other ways I could make you feel good.”

I stilled. Here it was – the catch, the demand, my opportunity to ruin everything. Would he even listen? He didn’t seem like he was asking my permission.

“You know I can, Callie.” He smoothed his hands down my sides and slid them just under the hem of my top to rest on the bare skin of my hips. “And we both know you’re ready.” It was confusing how good it felt – I blamed the alcohol, but I also remembered that it had felt like this in the past too, and then, even better… I moaned in frustration. Past and present, right and wrong, lover and enemy – all lines were blurred, now more than ever, and not just because of the drink, but because of Ray’s kindness, and his warmth, and because of the unfortunate but unavoidable chemistry we had. I needed to see Ray’s face to make sense of all this – I needed to know which Ray I was getting. I looked up at him and saw the tension in his face, telling me he was barely in control. Sparks fizzled in my chest, but it wasn’t a feeling I trusted – it was the treacherous thrill of realising I was in danger.

“I don’t know…” I whispered, not sure if I was more afraid of experiencing his passion or his rage.

“Yes, you do,” he whispered back, leaning further down, until his lips ghosted over mine, until we were sharing breath. I became conscious that my breathing was heavy and shaky, and I knew that wasn’t going to help my case at all. Ray pulled my hips firmly towards him so that I could feel his erection pressing into me. I moaned again, unabashedly this time. I couldn’t help what my body wanted, and all my body was interested in was feeling the kind of pleasure I knew Ray could give me. I leant in and kissed him, and from his hungry response, I could tell that this time he was not going to stop things. He turned us around and shoved me against the wall so that I was forced to break the kiss and cry out, but he didn’t stop. He tightened his hands on my hips and lowered his lips to my neck and shoulders. His roughness reminded me what I was saying yes to. This wasn’t the old Ray who wanted to sleep with me because he was attracted to me and in love with me; this was the unpredictable Ray who was capable of really hurting me, who’d promised me more punishment was to come, and who’d warned me early on that, when the time finally came, he might not take ‘no’ for an answer.

“Ray…” I whispered pleadingly, but he brought one hand up to fist tightly in my hair so that he could guide me back into the kiss, silencing my uncertainty. He’d tricked me. He’d played it nice all day, knowing that it would end like this. Had he planned all along to wait for my birthday? It had a sick kind of symbolism to it that I could imagine he might appreciate – waiting for a fresh year of my life to start, a clean slate, where he could take back what was his, and remove all traces of the one who’d tried to take me from him.

David…

I broke the kiss and turned my head away, doing my best to push Ray off me. My resistance seemed to register this time and he stepped back to allow me some space.

“Please, Ray, I just… I need a minute…”

“For what, Callie? You know you can’t run.” More alarm bells. We weren’t just making out; we were playing cat and mouse, and he knew he had me firmly between his teeth.

“I don’t want to run; I just feel… I just need to breathe…” I turned to go upstairs, and I expected him to grab me back, but he didn’t. I didn’t dare look back.

I had planned to go straight to my room, but instead, I found myself in his, looking at the bed.

Do I want this? Can I do this to David, to myself? When Ray had been kissing me, all my concerns had melted away. Feeling his arousal had almost sent me over the edge. And I’d be lying if I said that his harshness with my body didn’t turn me on even more, but it was tinged with a new layer of fear that hadn’t been there in the past, the very real fear that he was going to do me genuine harm, and worse – that he might even enjoy it. I cringed, imagining the things he might do to me on that bed, and wrapped my arms protectively around myself. Should I run? Fight? Ray had proved to me already the futility of both. Did I endure yet more pain, merely for the sake of pride? We both knew my body wanted him. If I showed willing enough, would Ray take it easy on me? Was any of what he’d shown me all day real? Was there any kind of mercy there I could appeal to? Earlier in the day, I would have believed so, but now I wasn’t so sure.

“Hey.”

I started. Ray was standing in the doorway, a curious look on his face, as though he was assessing me for something.

“I brought you some water. Are you alright?”

I nodded and accepted the water, keeping as much distance between us as possible. If I’d wanted to opt out of this, coming into his bedroom had been a mistake. I knew that finding me here would only cement Ray’s belief that this was what I wanted. I wished I had his certainty, his resolve.

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