Page 4 of Reclaimed

I nodded.

“Be a good girl now and get some sleep.”

I went through the motions of getting ready for bed, my mind mercifully numb, before collapsing onto the mattress. David would find me. He’d know it was Ray. He would find me, and my life could go back to normal.

3

My bones felt leaden, as if my body had melted into the mattress and resolidified there while I slept. Movement seemed as impossible as escape. If I just lay there with my eyes closed I could be elsewhere, I could opt out of the panic and confusion that came with this reality. I halted every thought process that attempted to take root in my brain. Instead, I turned my attention to my body – its heaviness, its aches. Despite the pain, my body was a safer place to be than my mind. Cautiously, I shifted my tight shoulders and stretched out my fingers across the blankets.

“Morning Sunshine.”

I froze. Of course Ray was there. Of course the moment of my waking had to be his. My realisations, my reactions, my movements – all his.

“How’re you feeling?”

Ray was an early riser and always used to bring me coffee and breakfast in bed. Sometimes he’d tie my hands to the bedposts and hand-feed me bits of toast or pancake; I’d always loved that. Our explorations into my submission meant we had delved into a level of intimacy that went far beyond regular sex. I had trusted him again and again, with my secrets, with my body, and he never gave me reason to doubt that that trust was well-placed. He’d seemed so normal, so together, until I’d left.

I wasn’t going to fight him. Resistance required energy, and I didn’t have enough left to waste. Any adrenaline from the events of the previous day had vanished, sapping any last traces of strength with it.

“Not good.” My muscles ached all over, and all sorts of new scrapes and bruises were making themselves known. Ray’s hand found its way into mine and gave a reassuring squeeze.

“Don’t worry. We’ll get you feeling better again.”

I wasn’t worried. I had no options to be worried about, no decisions to make. My own mind and body were next to useless, and Ray was right there beside me. Whatever happened next was not within my control. I cringed away from his touch – his gentleness didn’t make sense to me. I knew what he’d brought me here for.

“Let’s sit you up.” I let him manoeuvre my body into a sitting position, propped up against the pillows. “Are you warm enough?” He didn’t even wait for an answer before pulling the blankets up to my chest.

I let him fuss over me. Recover today, plan tomorrow.

“You must be hungry.”

It didn’t sound like a question, but I replied anyway. “I think so.”

“I’ll sort you out some breakfast. Tea or coffee?”

“Coffee, please.” My voice was barely a whisper. This all felt like some kind of trick. Why were we discussing mundane things like tea and coffee? Why this façade of caring about my needs? I was here to satisfy his needs, and we both knew it.

“Okay, coming up.” He handed me a cup of water and I automatically flinched, but he didn’t seem angry. “Start with this, and I’ll be back in a minute.”

It was simple. Answer questions. Accept affection. Don’t think.

Ray returned with toast and coffee, and I’d be lying if I said they weren’t a welcome sight. My stomach felt cavernously empty, and the smell of toast and butter was enough to make my mouth water.

“Thought we’d better start with something small.” Ray sat and stroked my hair while I ate my breakfast. If I paid too much attention to the contact between his body and mine it made my skin crawl, but I found that I could shut it out quite well by just focusing intently on the food. He was at least silent, for which I was intensely grateful. I didn’t even want answers at this point, just some relief. I was wary, but not petrified anymore. Maybe he was going to hurt me – almost definitely, in fact – but not yet. Right now, he was getting too much enjoyment out of playing the carer, and I was happy to let him. I ate as slowly as possible, fearing what would come next. How much longer would he be able to wait? To my surprise, when I’d finally finished, he simply took my plate away and left me to rest. Maybe he wanted me stronger first, or maybe he didn’t find me attractive in this state.

Part of me wanted to sleep to get some relief from the mental noise my brain was subjecting me to, but the other part of me didn’t trust Ray not to come in while I was sleeping.

I must have managed to sleep a little, as soon, Ray was waking me for lunch. He’d made me the banana and coffee shake I’d always used to make when I was hungover, as well as some sandwiches and fruit. My stomach was back to feeling incredibly churny from anxiety and lack of sleep, and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to eat everything he’d made. The anticipation of his anger definitely didn’t help matters, and by the time I’d finished the shake, I was feeling incredibly nauseous.

“Please don’t be angry, I don’t think I can eat anything else.”

“You not feeling well?” I shook my head, and he sighed. “Okay, here, lie back down for a bit.”

I spent the rest of that afternoon dozing in and out of sleep. Sometimes Ray was there when I woke, and sometimes he wasn’t. When I woke up properly it was dusk, and I was alone. I stood up from the bed and slowly tested my body, circling my shoulders and stepping out my feet. I felt slightly stronger than I had that morning. I found some fresh clothes in the wardrobe and took them with me to the bathroom. The sight that greeted me in the mirror was slightly alarming. My eyes were dark where the remaining traces of make-up had been smudged by crying, and the combination of the rain and a whole day of bed rest meant that my long, dark-blonde hair was even more unruly than normal. Brushing my teeth and splashing myself with cold water helped immensely, and I started to feel vaguely human for the first time that day. I put on the fresh clothes and scraped my hair back into a bun so that I looked slightly more presentable. I couldn’t face any more time lying in bed, and I resented waiting passively in my room for Ray to decide when I was finally strong enough for him to… take me back.

I knew I was no safer in my room than anywhere else, so I ventured downstairs.

Ray looked pleasantly surprised to see me.

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