Page 91 of Dark Knight

Did I? “I can’t remember,” I admit.

“You need to lighten up. You need to, like, have a little fun.”

“He’s right,” Dex agrees. “You always look ready to punch somebody’s face in, and for what?”

I do? When I catch a glimpse of myself reflected in the mirror behind the bar, it’s like I’m looking at a stranger at first.

No. It’s like I’m looking at my father. I have to put down the bottle or risk dropping it on the floor. There’s a hard, cold look in my eyes. My jaw’s set like I’m ready for a fight. The wayhisalways was.

Motherfucker. When did that happen?

“So now that your girl is gone, what will you do?”

Shit, I don’t know what to do with the reflection staring back at me, much less what to do tomorrow. I have to shake myself out of it. I am not my old man. I will never be him. But I wonder if refusing to drink all these years so I wouldn’t lose control — and so I wouldn’t be like him — is enough.

I twist my face away from the mirror and look at both of them. Even now, sitting here and sharing a beer, there’s a wall between us. The same wall that’s been between me and everybody in my life for as long as I can remember.

And I don’t want it. The laughter coming from other people around us reminds me of what I’ve missed. Until now, I didn’t realize how much I had changed. I don't remember how I used to be. I’ll never be him again… Though I don’t have to forget him, either. I don’t have to forget the parts of life that were good. Like these guys.

“Listen. I want you to know… I had reasons for staying away, and I’m sorry that it seemed like I was ditching or ignoring you. It wasn’t what I meant to do.”

“Listen, man.” Austin glances at Dex before leaning in a little closer. “Do you think we didn’t figure it out?”

“It is what it is,” Dex murmurs. For once, he’s serious. “The timing was a little suspicious. We’re not complete idiots.”

“We didn’t get it at first, but you grow up. You put pieces together.” It brings to mind what Becky said. How eventually, she figured it out, too. “We get it now. You had your reasons.”

“Then you came back to town and acted like you were better than us.” Dex finishes his beer before slapping the empty bottle against the bar.

“That’s not fair.”

“Truth hurts.” He lifts an eyebrow. “Are you gonna tell me I’m wrong? Are you seriously going to sit there and lie to my face?”

“It was complicated. There are still things I can’t tell you about why I was here. It was safer…” Everything I’m sayingistrue, although I can’t expect them to understand or even believe me. And I’m going to have to live with that. “Trust me. I know I’m not any better than you. And for what it’s worth, it’s not so bad, being you.”

“Well, shit. I knew that.“ Dex winks while Austin laughs. “I got a good job. I’ve got a life I like. I see my friends, all that good shit.”

“Which is a hell of a lot better than most people have it,” Austin observes. He doesn’t have to tell me that.

“I just wanted you both to know it was never personal. And that I didn’t want to cut you out.”

“We already knew, but hearing you say it is good.” Austin holds up his fingers. “I’ll get the next round.”

Could it be this easy? It’s hard to believe they would be so quick to accept what I have to say. Like everything can be washed away now. They even know what I did – and they’ve been holding that secret for me all this time. It’s humbling. I don’t know what to do with the feeling of being seen, exposed. Understood, at least in part. All I can do is nod my head, accepting Austin’s offer. I’m not here to get drunk, but we have a lot of shit to catch up on. And it finally hits me that I want to know about their lives. There’s nothing wrong or weak about admitting I need people.

I only wish it hadn’t taken me this long to figure it out.

* * *

If I don’t dothis now, with a few beers in me, I’ll never find the courage again. I have walked into buildings where I knew some men were ready to kill me, and I did it without an ounce of fear. No, it was a challenge, and I welcomed it. I marched ahead calmly, with purpose.

But here I stand in front of a chipped front door, and my knees are practically shaking. I grit my teeth against the impulse to leave before she knows I’m here, then tap my fist against the door.

Becky opens it, and her eyes widen when she sees me standing on her front porch. “What are you doing here?”

Becky wraps her arms around herself. The heavy cardigan she’s wearing practically swallows her body. The sound of the football game floats out from her living room.

“I didn’t mean to interrupt you watching the game or anything.” This was a bad idea. All it takes is a few beers for me to do something stupid. “But I was walking around nearby, and I figured I would stop over. Do you have a minute?”

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