Page 111 of Dark Knight

No matter how masochistic it makes me. I’ve spent a portion of my life being around her, and I’ve spent it without her; I know which I can live with. Those few days we were apart proved I was not strong enough to say goodbye to her. I might as well say goodbye to my legs and my arms. She’s that much a part of me. A part of me that seems to always make the wrong choice when it comes to her.

“Do you think Nathan is the right choice to replace me?” I ask.

“I think he’s come a long way, if that’s what you’re asking.” He touches his thumb to his nose, and we share a knowing laugh, remembering the punch that broke his nose. “And he’s eager to learn.”

“I wonder if he’ll learn to keep his mouth shut.”

He doesn’t hesitate. “If I need to break his nose again, I will. Although let’s be honest... Most of the time, he’s too nervous to say very much to me. I think he’ll be fine. Don’t get me wrong, nobody could ever replace you, but this is a fair arrangement.”

That’s just the thing. There’s nothing fair about any of this. It’s not fair that I fell in love with my boss’s daughter. It’s not fair that I was already unworthy of her by the time we met. I probably still had my father’s blood under my fingernails the morning I first set eyes on her. I dismissed her as a kid, that’s all, and it didn’t matter much at the time. I had other things on my mind, like whether I’d get away with what I’d done and how I was supposed to live without seeing my mother again.

When he yawns, I snap myself out of it. “I’ll leave you alone. Have a good night.”

“Oh, before you go.” He wears a rueful grin as he holds up a hand to stop me. “Bianca‘s been on my case. There’s one week until Christmas, and she still doesn’t know what to get you as a gift.”

“She doesn’t have to get me anything. I hope you told her that.”

“Of course I did. And, of course, she listened about as well as she always does.” He rolls his eyes, chuckling. “No wonder she and my kid are such good friends.”

“I’ll come up with something, I promise.” On my way down the hall, a laundry list of what I’d like runs through my head. I’d like to get my heart back from the woman who stole it when I wasn’t paying attention. I’d like to turn back the clock and undo so many mistakes. I’d like to be the man Tatum deserves.

I doubt there’s a store where Bianca or anybody else could fulfill my wishes.

Finding her in front of the enormous tree near the stairs brings me up short. “I was just thinking about you,” I admit when she turns at the sound of my footsteps.

“Thinking of what I can get you for Christmas?” she asks with a hopeful grin.

“Something like that. I’ll give it some thought.”

She turns her attention back to the tree, and I can see the lights reflected in her eyes. Between the awestruck look on her face and her reindeer pajamas, she could be a hopeful little kid–if it wasn’t for the belly that seems to get bigger every day. “Isn’t it pretty? I meant to take a snack in to Tatum, but I got distracted.“ In one hand, she holds a plate covered in crackers, cheese, and apple slices.

I join her in admiring the spruce. “How many lights did they get on this thing?”

“Five thousand.”

“Holy shit.”

“I know.” There's a gleam in her eyes and glee in her voice. I don’t think she minds very much.

“Anyway, I think the boss was about to wrap it up for the night.” I shrug, eyeing the plate. “I can take that to Tatum if you want. I was on my way out, though I can make a pitstop.”

There it is again. The shadow that crosses her face. There’s nothing threatening about it that I can see. It’s more of a knowing sort of look. As if there’s something she wants to say but knows she shouldn’t. “That would be great. Then I’ll go to his office and make sure he doesn’t get wrapped up in something else.”

“Sounds good.” Calm down, for fuck’s sake. I’m practically coming in my pants, all excited because I get to take food to Tatum‘s room. I’m worse off than even I thought if this is enough to get my blood pumping. “Have a good night.”

“You, too.” I know I’m not imagining the humor in her voice. What the hell is so funny? What does she know that I don’t?

Rather than ask – especially since I don’t know how I’ll feel about the answer — I carry the plate past the stairs and into Tatum‘s wing. Many nights before we went away together, I crept into this part of the house, hoping she wouldn’t notice. Nights I spent sleeping on the loveseat in the room Callum set up as an office, but it became more of a second closet over the years. She preferred to do her work in bed, with books, papers, and her laptop strewn everywhere.

As far as I know, the nightmares have stopped. There’s no more reason to keep an ear out for her night after night.

But some things never change. I’m greeted by a familiar sight when I ease her door open after she doesn’t respond to my knock. The only light in the room comes from her laptop, glowing brightly and illuminating the papers and books covering the surface of her bed.

And there she is, lying on her side with her legs hanging off the edge of the bed and her head resting on one bent arm. She’s been holed up in here for most of the past two weeks. I assumed a lot of it involved packing up her life for a more extended, more permanent move than the one she packed for a few months ago. And yes, I notice the stacked boxes along the far wall, even blocking the windows now that she has them piled so high. She’s damn determined to move on with her life.

I creep closer to the bed and see it hasn’t all been packed. On her screen, there is a very basic rendering of a floorplan. I’m looking at the second floor according to the notes along the side of the page, and in the rendering, there are small rooms along the two longer sides of the floor, with what I guess are beds, dressers, and closets. At the far end, there’s a big room labeled kitchen, along with notes typed at the top of the page. Cooking classes? Meal planning? Budgeting?

After a glance her way to make sure she’s still asleep, I reach over and scroll down. On the third floor, there are larger rooms. One is labeled Daycare, another Classroom, while another is labeled Gym. There’s a room across from that labeled: Computers.

---