For once, I’m the one keeping a secret. I’m the one who knows this was the last time for us. I’m the one with a heavy heart.
What would I say to him now if I could be honest? That I learned over the past several days how impossible it will be for me to live here? How much I need to be my own person? This time, it has nothing to do with Kristoff, his father, or not wanting to bring everybody down with my depression. That’s behind me now. I’ve moved on.
And that’s the thing. I want to keep moving. I need to. I can’t be under Dad’s or anybody else’s thumb anymore. Deep down inside, I know if anybody would understand, it would be the man whose heart beats under my ear.
But I can’t say it. I don’t want to ruin this. One last good thing before all hell breaks loose — and I know it will, considering I know my dad. He’ll be hurt and pissed. I just want one more night of peace.
“You should probably go back.” He doesn’t sound convinced, though. When his arms tighten, I smile to myself. Finally, a little truth. He doesn’t want me to go.
“Everybody’s in a turkey coma by now.” I love the way his chest feels under my fingers. Firm, with smooth skin covering the rippling muscle. His soft, contented sigh when I gently run my nails over his pecs makes me smile. It’s so simple, but I wonder how I’ve lived without it for so long.
“You always have to take risks, don’t you?”
“Not always.” I lift my head to look at him, and he grins. “Only when it’s worth it. ”His eyes close, even as the grin stays put, and it’s not long before his breathing slows.
How is it possible that I came over here wanting to knock his head off, and now I’m lying here in his arms? How is it possible to want somebody so badly, so profoundly, that it’s hard to think or breathe or function when I’m around him? Or when I’m away from him, for that matter.
He has completely changed me. I will never be the same. He’s like a fingerprint on my soul that can’t be wiped away. No matter how many times I wished I could — in the middle of the night when my heart aches, and I’ve cried out every last tear – I know that in the end, I wouldn’t erase him. It would mean going without this sweet, humble happiness that almost makes all the pain worth it.
I don’t want to sleep. If I sleep, I won’t get to be here with him. I won’t be aware. I won’t be able to hear him breathing. I won’t be able to feel his heart beating under my ear. I won’t get to exist in the simple comfort of lying in his arms and feeling like the whole world has fizzled away until there’s nothing but us.
I can’t live without this.
I have to live without this.
Hot, angry tears threaten to fill my eyes, but I won’t let them. I’m not going to ruin this by crying and waking him up. Let him rest. Did he think I wouldn’t notice how tired he appeared at dinner? He might be able to fool my father, but he can’t fool me, for I’ve already seen him.The real him.With all the walls knocked down and all the masks stripped away. I care about him too much to disturb his rest. Besides, he would only want to know why I’m upset, and I can’t tell him it’s because I have to leave. Even though I love him.
And that no matter how much it’ll hurt, it’s for the best.
I can’t tell him that, can I? Not now. Not ever.
I should go. I shudder to think what would happen if Dad or Bianca came up with a reason to visit my room out of nowhere. If they found me gone, what would they think? The thought of alarm sirens shattering a peaceful night makes me cringe, but that’s exactly what he would do. I have to go. All I’m doing is breaking my heart, anyway. Giving myself something that will never really be mine.
I guess that’s why it seems so impossible to leave. Because I know he’ll never be mine, and that’s all I want.
Just one more minute. That’s all I need. One more minute of this.
As it turns out, one more minute is one minute too long, and darkness closes in on me. It pulls me down into a world where nothing stands between Romero and me, and I can have the only man I’ll ever love.
CHAPTER35
ROMERO
The other side of the bed is empty and cold when I open my eyes to find it’s already morning. There’s a sense of confusion to it. I’m used to waking up next to her after falling asleep with her head on my chest.
She must have gone out of her way not to bother me when she left. Years of being on-call at all hours made me a light sleeper. Then again, she wore me out last night. I wore myself out on her. I’m glad one of us was smart enough to avoid the risk of her being here past dawn.
My eyes go from half open to almost bulging out of my head when I check my phone to find its way past dawn. More like nine o’clock. I was more exhausted than I knew – no wonder she’s already up and out. I can’t remember the last time I woke up this late.
Last I checked, I don’t have any shopping to do on Black Friday and it’s been weeks since I was last in my office. So, after a quick shower, I pull on jeans and a sweater and head out into the cold, clear morning to catch up on work. I’m sure Nathan left a mess for me to clean up.
Bianca told us last night about all her plans to decorate for Christmas, and Callum mentioned they’d start bright and early this morning. I don’t expect what I find already set up in the courtyard: three large trucks with the name of a local landscaping company printed on the side. Groups of men carrying trees, wreaths, and garlands into the house. A team of workers is setting up the strings of lights that will decorate the exterior, shouting orders and questions at each other while carrying what looks like miles of coiled cable over their shoulders.
How the hell did I sleep through their arrival?
Now I’m glad I came back, if only to see this. Callum has never been shy about spending his wealth, but this is insane. I’m looking forward to giving him a little shit about it — gently, of course, since I’m not entirely out of my mind. I might have made the questionable decision to come back and the even more dubious decision to fuck Tatum’s brains out last night, but I haven’t completely lost it.
Inside, Bianca stands on the stairs, directing traffic while balancing a tablet in one hand. “That tree goes in the dining room,“ she calls out, pointing the way. “Do you have the big one for here in the entry hall?”