Page 188 of Immortal Bastard

What looked like judgment a moment ago now revealed itself as heartbreak. She had to think back to the last time she had company. “No one’s been in here for months.” She’d washed the sheets twenty times since then.

His hands balled into fists at his side. “Then you don’t deny it.”

“No. Why would I—Oh, Christian, you didn’t think…” This was awkward. “You know I wasn’t a virgin when we met, right?”

The hard muscle of his jaw ticked. “I just assumed…”

If it was possible, she became more self-conscious. “Maybe we should sleep on the couch—”

“Did you love him?”

She laughed, and his confused stare snapped to her. This wasn’t a laughing matter to him, so she sobered. “No, I didn’t love him. I told you, I’ve never loved anyone. You were…” She should have never brought him here. “You’re the only person I’ve ever said those words to.”

She didn’t think it was possible, but she missed the farm. The farm felt safe. There was no pressure there, and she could unravel all the confusing feelings inside of her at her own pace. Here, she felt pressure. Pressure to answer for her life. Pressure to own her mistakes. Pressure to be a specific version of herself the world expected. But when it was just her and Christian, she only needed to be herself, and he accepted her. All of her. For that, she loved him in a way she never loved anyone.

But what if this place showed him things he didn’t want to see and his opinion of her lowered? She couldn’t handle the thought, didn’t want him to think less of her. But this was her life and it hadn’t started the day he walked into her world. She had a past and prior boyfriends. She would never be some innocent virgin bride.

Lowering her head, she said, “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“Why haven’t I found this male in your memories?”

She scoffed. “Because he wasn’t memorable. Sometimes people just have meaningless sex to pass the time and break up the monotony. I’m not going to apologize for dating.”

He frowned. “Apologize?”

“Isn’t that what you want?” He was making her really self-conscious.

“I’m the one who owes you an apology. If I had found you sooner… If I had been more open in prayer, perhaps… Or possibly—”

“Stop.” She wasn’t going to break it to him that he would have had to have shown up when she was seventeen if he wanted a virgin. “Let’s not do the thing where we feel bad about things in the past we can’t change. Tomorrow, this room isn’t even going to matter. You and me, that’s what matters. Us.”

His frown deepened and she sensed this moment was about more than a bed to him. “I want to give you the comforts you love, Delilah. Pizza, television… You have so much here.”

“I have nothing here, Christian. All that stuff, it’s crap from yard sales and discount stores. None of it holds any real value. You are what I value.” In that moment it became so clear to her. She knew exactly where she wanted to be. “You’re my home.”

“It won’t bring you sorrow to leave this place?”

She looked around. The connection she’d expected wasn’t in this room or the other rooms. As a matter of fact, after the last two weeks, she felt more disconnected than ever from this place. It was like she’d graduated and moved on. None of her old belongings fit her future anymore.

“I think I’ve outgrown my life here.”

She scanned her worthless furniture and the cheap jewelry falling out of the shoebox on the dresser. None of it mattered if she didn’t have him. Even her clothes, which had been an outlet of self-expression for her in so many ways, expressing someone she used to be.

Looking down at her arms where her tattoos had faded, she considered why she’d chosen each one. Maybe some were indications of who she was and how she wanted to be seen, how she wanted others to know she was complicated, so she’d feel validated when others misunderstood her. Maybe they made her interesting when deep down she’d been scared and alone and terrified the world would find her too boring to love.

But she wasn’t alone anymore. Nor was she scared.

She laced her fingers in his. “You see the real me, Christian. No one has ever gotten as close to me. You’ve seen how my mind works and overheard my secrets and fears, yet you’re still here. It’s…incredible. No one has ever accepted me—in all my messy, broken entirety—as completely as you have. I don’t have to hide parts of myself away from you, because I know you’ll love me regardless of what you find.”

Even now, she could feel him present in her mind, sending gentle waves of comfort and support to her as she worked through all of these confusing revelations. He was always present. A quiet support. Available if she should need anything at all.

She lifted an old corset from a partially opened drawer. “All of this… It’s all artificial. A distraction so they never look too deeply and see all the things I want to hide.” She dropped the corset and held his large hand in two of hers, facing him. “You forced your way past my insecurities and saw all my jagged edges. I can’t hide from you, and I don’t need to. You love and protect me regardless of my shortcomings because you see what’s at the heart of me. You love me for my soul.”

He pulled her close and hugged her. “I do love you, pintura. Every exquisitely complicated part of you.” His head kissed her hair. “I love your softness, your stubborn bullheadedness, the chaotic wonderment that flows from your mind then escapes your unfiltered, filthy mouth. I love every part of you—so much so it frightens me. You’re a constant surprise and I’m… I fear I won’t be enough for a female as remarkable as you.”

“Oh, Christian, you’re like the nicest, most patient guy in existence—well, you did kidnap me—but I’m—” Oh God, was she actually saying this? “I’m glad you did. I finally feel like I have purpose. Like I’m going to make it. For once, I don’t feel like a failure or like I’m letting people down.”

He pulled her close and kissed her. “You could never disappoint me, Delilah. We are one. Our future is whatever we choose to make it—together.”

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