Page 69 of The Silence Lies

While I was expecting that question to come up, I didn’t think it would be so soon. Things between Levi and I are still in a gray area. While they’re good, I’m still reserved about getting too close. It’s not as easy as you’d think to go from an abusive relationship to completely celebate, to diving into something with my second in command. There’s a process—if only there were guidelines too because while I’m still navigating everything, Levi has made his intentions clear. But I’m not ready to take that leap just yet. Levi is one of the sweetest guys I know, but he’s also intense. I like that about him, I do, but it also conjures up memories of my past, things I don’t want to relive.

“We’re something.” I shrug, averting my gaze to the tree line that whizzes past us. “We haven’t exactly discussed it, but I like him.”

“Something?” Luca raises a brow.

“Yeah.”

Confusion etches across Luca’s face. For a while, we don’t speak. It feels like the silence is enough, but then I feel like he has so many questions. I realize we don’t actually know each other that well, and though that’s not necessarily a bad thing, I want him to understand that I’m not ready to have any discussion about labeling mine and Levi’s relationship just yet.

Levi was the first guy I’ve been with since Luciano and just the thought of trusting someone so intimately draws out those fears of history repeating itself.

“Luciano was my first, for everything.” My words fill up the gaping void in the car, like a black hole being stuffed with explanations I know I need to give. I take a deep breath, returning my gaze to Luca. His brows have relaxed now, and he’s not gripping the wheel so tightly anymore. So with another heavy inhale, I continue. “He was my last, too. You know what he did, and I’m not about to make the same mistakes I did back then.”

“Those weren’t your mistakes.” Luca takes my hand, his warm palm soothing the chill that settles over me. “Luciano is an asshole who gets off on beating women down. That’s not on you.”

“Still. He controlled everything I did, who I spoke to. Labeling what Levi and I are isn’t something I’m ready for.”

“Levi isn’t like Luciano,” he says with conviction. And don’t I know it. Nothing about Levi comes remotely close to how Luciano was. Levi is caring, attentive and intensely loving. But would I be getting more than I asked for if things progressed?

Then again, this isn’t about just Levi. It’s not about me and Levi. There’s somebody else in the picture for me, and I don’t know if what I’m thinking is strange or just unconventional.

“Neither are you.”

Luca glances back at me before returning his frown to the road. The high-rise buildings begin to pile up as we drive through the city, the whirring of car engines and chatter of pedestrians surrounding us. For a while, Luca holds a pensive expression, like there are so many questions he wants to ask but has no idea where to start.

I, on the other hand, have no idea how I would answer them. It’s uncharted territory for me, depths I’ve never swam in before.

“So… you want us both?” Luca finally asks, running his hand through his hair.

Is that what I want? A piece of both of them? Would it be selfish of me to be honest and say yes, or would it be just what Luca wants to hear?

I know I’m playing with fire. Wanting two guys is never a good thing for anyone. But I can’t deny that the prospect of having both Levi and Luca by my side in more than a platonic way is enticing. I might not be ready to put a label on things, but I’m ready to take the plunge and navigate these feelings.

“Yes,” I answer, nodding hesitantly.

The car turns down an alleyway. The sunlight is blocked by the buildings, shadowing the car in a condensed heat that creeps down my spine. We roll to a stop as Luca swipes through the security barrier to the underground parking lot of Haze. He seems to be thinking long and hard about my answer, not replying until we are parked up in the private parking bays.

“Are you expecting us to share you?” he accuses. “Because it sounds like you’re just biding your time to see who you like more.”

His words sting. I can see how he would think that, and he’s probably right. But if I were to go off of the kisses we’ve shared, there’s no competition between my second in command and my enforcer. Levi and Luca are parallel, opposites that I want to explore. Levi kisses with adoration and purpose; Luca kisses with intent, like nothing in the world could stop him

“It’s definitely not like that,” I say. “I like you both. Equally.”

We lapse into an awkward silence. Luca runs his hand through his hair for the fifteenth time since we started this conversation.

“I don’t really know how it works. I just know how I feel right now.”

Luca sighs, but other than that, he doesn’t speak. It’s awkward and uncomfortable. I’ve definitely been in worse situations than this, but Luca being silent adds a certain tension that makes me cringe. At this point, I’m wondering whether I should have kept my mouth shut, or lied. No, nothing good comes from lying.

“Luca?” I turn to him. The hairs prickle on the back of my neck. The longer I look at Luca, the more uneasy I feel. “Say something.”

“I… “ Luca looks ahead, focusing on a point on the wall that seems more important than this moment. “I don’t really know what to say.”

He pushes out of the car, slamming the door behind him and making the car shake. I follow him out into the parking lot, watching him pace and run his hands through hair.

“Don’t tell me it was a mistake,” I growl.

“I know! I mean… I wasn’t expecting you to pick me over him or… fuck! I don’t know what I was expecting!” Luca marches past me again, offering me a glimpse of the vulnerability reflecting in his blue eyes.

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