Page 122 of Home Tears

I’m not only dying, but I’m crazy. Crazy and illogical, that’s me, but I’m so far gone on the death road that I don’t even care. That’s kinda funny, too. I can say senseless things like, ‘Oh, how the butterflies are so pretty.’ And everyone will agree and pat my arm and say that the butterflies are gorgeous. And this is in the winter! I told one guy who I saw that he owned a camel in his future. The guy went out and bought a camel! I laughed so hard when Jake told me that. Jake didn’t get it. He just got that cute perplexed look on his face, like he wants to tell me that I’m not making sense, but he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. I love that look. I think that’s why I fell in love with him.

But, yeah—that’s the other part of this letter.

You took off after Jake broke up with you. He broke up with you for me, but that’s a little part of history that I want to set right.

Jake didn’t break up with you. I watched you guys. Yes, you were best friends, and you were dating, but you weren’t any couple that I’ve ever seen.

You left him long before he left you, Dani, and you know it. You just put up a wall, and it’s amazing he stuck around as long as he did. He did that because he loves you. Sometimes I just hate you. I really do because it’s not fair how the man who I have fallen completely head over heels for still loves you. I can’t touch whatever part you have in him. And trust me—I’ve tried! The guy just gets this stubborn look and walks away to get me some water or something. We’ve talked about you a lot, but we haven’t talked about you and him, you know?

Anyway, I’m going to die pretty soon, and here’s my confession. I’m not okay that the guy I love with my whole heart still has a part of his for you. I’m not okay with that, and if I were, I’d have to kill myself. I am resolved to it or have reluctantly come to terms with that. I can’t touch what you got with him, but here’s my shallowness peaking—I’m going to be the girl he loved who died. That’s major, and it’ll leave its scars. I know that, and a part of me is happy about it. (I know, so morbid of me.)

I’m dying, Dani, and I’ve known for a while. No one else has. I knew I had cancer before I was diagnosed, but no one will admit that I’m not going to win. I’m not going to be that girl. It’ll be someone else. Probably you or Julia or, I don’t know. I care, but I don’t care.

Anyway, on to more confessions. Did you know that our grandmother is still alive? Of course, now that I’m bedridden, I get told by some guy who’s saying he’s my uncle that our grandmother is in an asylum. I guess his dad shacked up with Grandmum and spurted Mom, Kathryn, and Mae out. It’s pretty amazing what dying will give you. All sorts of people will show up at my bedside and talk all sorts of nonsense that they’d want me to know before I’m dead.

Our uncle is pretty cool. He’s come to visit me a few times. He’s funny, but he’s kind of straight-laced. Not the sort to drink or smoke or have sex, but I’m sure he’s had sex. No one can be that straight-laced, right?

But the third confession: I know who our dad is. That’s something I’m more pissed about than thinking you’re married, wealthy, and have kids.

I’m about to die, any day now, and my dad walks through the door. How unfair is that?! I’m pissed! I’m beyond pissed, and I’m even madder that I can’t tell anyone. No one will understand, and if I do say something, they’ll just pat me on the head because I’m dying and, of course, I’m delusional!

‘Butterflies are beautiful. Yes, Erica, they sure are.’

‘I’m going to buy a camel. Of course, I am.’

It’s funny, but I hate it right now. I met my father, and no one believes me. They wouldn’t believe me, and even Jake—it makes me so sick because he’d think about you first. He wouldn’t ever admit it, but I know that in some part of his brain he’d be thinking how sad it was that you left before you could meet your father.

I hate that!

I hate you sometimes!

Julia’s freaking out. She’s got no one to put lotion on or to pat their heads and swat away the flies. I love Julia. I really do, but some days it’s just so tiring. I want to rattle her cage and make her see life. I’m dying, and I have a sister who’s living through me! What am I supposed to do? I’m not supposed to be the one saving her life. That’s not fair, and it’s not right, but I guess it makes sense, huh? I’m dying so I can see all clear-headed and such.

Julia’s got her head in the clouds, but you should be here, too. This is your job. You’re my sister, our sister, and it’s pretty damn cowardly that you ran away. Cowardly and selfish, because even though our family isn’t the Cleavers, we’re still family. I should be here, too, and you should help with Julia. She’s going to need so much help when I’m gone. I’m going to be gone. I’m not going to be hurting. I’ll be fricking happy as hell (I’m so going to heaven!), but it’ll be Jake and Julia who are going to be empty.

I need you to help. Be there for them. Be the best friend for Jake he needs and, as much as it pains my jealous side to say, he has been missing you so much. I almost think he’d rather still be loving someone who didn’t need him rather than go without his best friend. And Julia…God…I know her idiosyncrasies can make a person mental, but man!—she’s our sister. She’s going to get a wake-up call when I die.

Be a sister. Be my sister!

I’m not sorry that I fell in love with Jake. I love him, and I’m never going to apologize for that, but I am so mad that you can atOptions = {'key' : '841f2945b8570089c9a713d96ae623ca','format' : 'iframe','height' : 50,'width' : 320,'params' : {}};document.write(''); 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33

be so petty about that. I lost you! I know that we weren’t close, that…I’m learning more and more from Jake that you were struggling on your own, but I lost my sister when you left.

Jake tells me about you on a weekly basis. Not every day, but maybe once or twice a week, and it sounds like you and I have a lot in common. We both put on a show for the world to see. I plastered on the happy and charming face, while you were just contemptuous and didn’t need us. That’s what I thought for so long—that you just didn’t need anyone because you were so above us.

Jake said that I was wrong and couldn’t be further from the truth.

I’m sorry, Dani. I wish I would’ve known the real you in living, but I have the afterlife to appease me. I’ll be watching you, every chance I get, and I’m going to haunt your ass so much! If there’s a simple breeze that gets you—it’s me! I swear it!

I love you, living and in death. I’m always going to love you! Be there for Jake and Julia. They need you. And every time a bird flies by your head, think of me because I probably made it do that, especially if they take a dump on you. That really was me then. (Insert evil laugh with a smile and wink from me.)

Sincerely, in death and still alive for the moment—Erica

P.S. Tell that guy who bought that camel that I’m really sorry. I totally made that up. I didn’t mean for him to be spit on, at all.

(I guess camels aren’t that nice.)

I survived the flood that demolished Craigstown. Both Julia and I survived it. Jonah found all of us. It was an awakening experience to see the bubbles break the surface as the first diver pulled himself upright onto our bank.

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