Then why is it so hard to fucking breathe? My heart is being sliced into fine slivers of what it once was.
Agony like I’ve never experienced before tears across my chest at the thought that I might actually lose her, that she might not rebound from this and I can’t blame her if she doesn’t. I tried for the longest time to push her away, to save her from me.
Despair clings to me, overcomes me,becomesme.
I push my hat off and run my fingers through my hair, lightly tugging just a few strands in the process. I’m trying to stop the habit, trying to not repair my emotional pain with physical pain, but I don’t always do so well with the notion. Sometimes the pain is just too much. Like right now.
I’ve been doing the best I can for some time now. I’m doing the best I can. Making the changes she wanted me to make, that I needed to make for her and for myself. I’ve been letting her in, sharing my life completely with her, holding nothing back.
It still got me nowhere.
Surely this is karma getting me back for all the trouble I put my girl through. Giving me a taste of what utter emotional destruction is like, so I never do it again to her.
I had no plans to leave that girl again. I can’t, even if I wanted to, which I fucking don’t.
God, I fucking don’t. Walking away from her at the hospital, trying to honor her wishes when it isn’t what she wants…
Lesson learned, karma.Lesson learned.
She’s returning the favor and then some, hurting herself. I saw her devastation when I started backing away. I saw the way her light started fading, her skin paling and the way she held her hands to her stomach to keep them from shaking, to keep her cries inside.
Despite trying to remain strong, trying to let myself believe that this isn’t over, my despair claims the better part of my control and I sag against our apartment door,our apartment, and let the tears that sting the back of my eyes fall for just a moment. This moment I need to let my grief show, to mourn the words she said to me.
Get out!She screamed.Screamedit at me.
The image, the desperation in her voice, the way her body trembled, plays in my mind on a dangerous repeat. Dangerous because they are threatening to pull me under, never to let me come up for air. Dangerous because I want so badly to give in to what she’s saying. Fuck being strong if this is what it get’s me. Dangerous because wallowing in self pity is what I do, how I push everyone away and trap myself in my thoughts.
Karma is handing me the opportunity on a silver fucking platter.
Outlaw is worth more than this. You dealt with all this shit with her to let this be what does you in.
She needs time, that’s all.
With a deep breath, I pull myself together. I didn’t come this fucking far to lose everything I’ve built now. Life has shown me how great it can be despite my past, what I’ve done, and what I’ve lived through. I won’t give it up. I want how good it was, even if it’s hard.
A heavy hand falls on my shoulder. “That’s it, son.”Christian Tucker.“Big, deep breaths. You’ve got this. You’ll get her back. She just needs time.”
I jump with a start, almost jerking away from his touch. I was so far gone; I hadn’t realized they were walking up.
“We tried calling your name,” he says. “But you weren’t hearing us.”
“Uh, yeah. Sorry.”
“No need to apologize, we simply wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
Jensen appears, holding a giant pizza box from one of our favorite places. His stormy gray eyes peer down at me, sadness and compassion swirling in them. He knows how hard I’ve worked to keep myself afloat, to be better for myself and my girl.
I give them both a nod and turn to face the daunting task of entering yet another apartment that houses a part of my heart that isn’t here. Walking into our place together after our interaction at the hospital feels so final.
I’m hit with her scentas soon as I open the door and I grab onto the door frame to keep from succumbing to my pain. I inhale a shaky breath and step forward, putting one foot in front of the other, like I’ve done my best to do for the past week since her accident. Grief settles in my gut, a heavy reminder of all I stand to lose if Outlaw really leaves me.
I can’t do this without her. Life… I don’t want it if it doesn’t include her.
I also can’t put that sort of pressure on her. There has to be something, some way, to be without her if that’s what she chooses. Ending myself can no longer be on the table because it would hurt her too much, hurt Jensen. It would be the biggest slap in the face to all of them, who give so much of their time and energy to me.
I’m standing, walking, surviving the worst pain of my life right now, and I can say death is not what I want.
Outlaw has given me glimpses of what life should be like. She made me want to live, even if just a little. Some days are much harder than others, but there is so much to thank her for. I need to give her what she gave me.