Page 84 of The Jester and His Outlaw: Part 2

Fucking dread and it kills me to let him down. He lets out a deep sigh and goes to run his fingers through his hair, but ends up readjusting his hat. He’s completely dejected, and I can see the moment he closes himself off to those emotions.

He’s so strong and I’m shit for putting him through this.

“Stop over thinking it, Outlaw. I canfeelyour mind working from here. Let me love you, okay? Let me help you. I’m going to wash your hair, give you a massage, yeah? Be here with me and nowhere else. Stop your mind from telling you all the bad things. I’m notfuckinggoing anywhere, no matter what you do or say. You’re stuck with me.” I can hear the anger and the force with which he says those words, but they don’t feel like a sure thing. More like he’s saying them to convince himself rather than me.

I want to ask him if he promises, and while he does, it’s a promise he can’t keep, just like he can’t promise that I’ll walk again.

I stay silent because nothing good will come out of my mouth. I should tell him I love him back, but that will only hurt more.

Riggs doesn’t push for more conversation as he pushes the back of the bed down and massages shampoo into my scalp. I relish the touch of his fingers as the suds spread and the generic, unscented shampoo tingles over my scalp. He rinses my hair, using a cup and some of the warm water.

“Where do I put the conditioner stuff?”

“You don’t have to. Washing is enough.” I reach for a towel, lifting my head because at least I can do that.

“But I want it to be soft and silky, so I can run my fingers through it. That’s what this stuff does, right?” he asks as he works his fingers through the tangled strands.

“You’re doing this now because you have to, not because you want to.” He goes stiff behind me and I don’t look at him, but I can see his jaw pumping. I’m really being a jackass, but I can’t seem to help myself. Better to guard my heart now while I still might survive letting him go rather than him leaving because I’m not healing fast enough or can’t give him what he wants.

At this point, I won’t even be able to get on a bike if he ever bought another one. What then? He lives to ride his bike and take me places.

His voice is soft, but I still sense the pleading edge. “But I want to. Let me do this for you so you feel better. I’m not here because I have to be, Outlaw, only because I don’t want to be away from you. I could easily leave, quit this, quit us, but this is what I want. Wherever you are is where I’ll be.”

“Eventually you’re going to tire of this and move on. I know you will.”

“That’s all in your head. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll prove it to you,” he says, words strained as if he doesn’t believe them himself. Or maybe he does, and he’s simply afraid I won’t give him the chance.

CHAPTER37

Sweat poured into my eyes.My limbs ached from exertion. My feet screamed at me to stop, but I couldn’t. I had a point to prove. Coach may have taken my captaincy from me, but I was going to prove to him it was a huge mistake. I had thought that since the attack and Layla being expelled from the university, I would get my position back, but nope.

Coach kept it from me, set firm in his point that the girls on the team weren’t happy with me.

Complete bullshit. I knew. He knew. The entire team did if even if most of them didn’t like me. We lost our last game. Morale was down and we were playing like shit. This practice was exactly what we needed to whip our asses.

The drills we ran for what seemed like hours were no joke. Coach wasn’t happy and was taking it out on us. I hope the money he made off the deal was worth it because I wasn’t going anywhere. Layla’s bullshit attempts to get me off the team backfired completely. This was my team, my dream. She was full of shit if she thought I would stop playing because of her shit.

Karma was a bitch, and Layla got what she deserved. Removed from the school and obviously cut from the team. She was lucky I didn’t press assault charges. She and Aaron both.

Ainsley, our goal tender, deflected the shot on goal, sending the puck bouncing off a defensive skate and into the back corner. We weren’t playing well as a team today either, but we were giving it our all. Coach loved to mix up teams, so we never scrimmaged with the same people from one practice to the next.

I wasn’t playing my best either. My head was down, my body depleted of energy, and my thoughts and movements were slow. Still, the puck was wide open, so I went in for it. Without a doubt that Emily would follow my play.

We played well together, had since our middle school traveling team. She was one of the few people on the team who tried to get along with me, and that was because we were pretty good friends. Mainly only in hockey, but we played well.

“—head up!” I heard Kai call from the stands. He was right. I had to get my head up.

Too late.

Pain jolted through my entire body, the sound of my body colliding with the boards deafening before the lights went out entirely.

I jerk awake, tossed from one hell back to another. The only thing that makes it any better is the body that is draped over my useless legs because he wants to be close but isn’t allowed to lie in the bed with me. Fucking rules. Fucking doctors and surgery and all this bullshit. I’m so tired of it.

They’re only trying to help me, but fuck… I just need to pause all of this. A moment where I can act like it didn’t happen, where treatment and waiting to see if I get feeling back in my legs isn’t my only goal for the day.

I need a break.

“Just a break,” I mumble, sobbing before I can stop myself. Riggs’ head jerks up, his eyes groggy and puffy from sleep and shedding tears of his own for me. He wouldn’t admit to it, but I knew as soon as I laid eyes on him two days ago. Probably because I keep pushing him away and refuse to let him in, but he keeps trying.

---