Page 75 of The Jester and His Outlaw: Part 2

I’ve scraped my way through my salad, my stomach having eased now that I see Charley here. Now that I’m learning about her, she keeps a lid on her feelings and does a great job at it. You’d guess nothing happened last night. I wonder if she is truly okay. Her calm makes it easy to forget to make sure she is, especially when I’m barely holding it together.

“Riggs,” she whispers, leaning into me and placing her hand on my bouncing knee. Her line of sight follows mine and locks on the girls across the dining hall. “Hey, what’s going on?”

“Nothing. I guess I’m just a little edgy, anxious, today is all. All good.” I turn back to her and smack a kiss to her cheek, then trail a couple over her jaw and inhale her sweet shampoo. My fingers smooth over the silky skin of her neck and thread through her hair. “Can I go to practice with you this afternoon?”

“Don’t you have to work?” She strokes the tip of her nose over mine.

“Not until after. I have time to get you home and settled, get some food for you before I go.”

“Home,” she says, dreamily. “I like the sound of that. Of course you can come to practice with me. We scrimmage today so you’ll actually get to see us play instead of just running drills.”

“Doesn’t matter what you’re doing. I just want you in my sights as much as possible.” I kiss her again, hoping my shaking hands go unnoticed.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” she asks and I just nod.

Yeah, I’m just fucking fine—I think—miserable, but plaster a smile on my face for her.

CHAPTER33

RIGGS

Charleyon the ice is always something I think I will enjoy watching. That doesn’t stop the tension winding my body up tight. Foxy and some other kid are conversing a little way down the bleachers, and Kai and Jensen are watching the scrimmage as if it’s an actual game. Chandler’s passes are all over the rink, continuously watching the doors and sweeping the locker rooms.

I try to draw calm from having friends surrounding me, try to ground myself, but I can’t. My guts twist up and this impending doom places itself directly on my chest. I’m sure a little is spilling over from last night and realizing that Charley can break as well, but my feelings are persistent. The thought of forgetting that and not being there for her is rendering me incapable of dispelling my panic like I normally would. Such a public place isn’t helping either, and knowing she is on the ice with a bunch of girls who were eyeing her at lunch has me nearly ready to snatch her off the ice and carry her home.

I can’t believe I let her down like that. How did I think she was going to handle all this without breaking down?

My next inhale is deep. I have to let the deprecating thoughts go if we are ever going to make this work. I’m trying my absolute best. At least this time, I’m aware of where I went wrong and I am going to do everything I can to make it better. It’s time I make sure I am there for the people who are always there for me.

The shift I force in my focus is deliberate and calculating. I need something good on my mind.

Home. My home with Charley, without Gramma. A new place with new walls. So much damn change in the last few weeks. I don’t even have my bike to help.

Alright, that didn’t work.

“Riggs, you’re shaking the entire bench.” Jensen scowls at my bouncing leg. “Calm down, nothing is going to happen.”

I wish I could believe him, but I can’t. He can’t promise me that.

“I’m sorry. Just keyed up because of everything that has happened. I’m ready for today to be over with.”

“I know, man. It’s a lot to process, but she has made it through nearly the entire day. In a few brief minutes, she’ll be changed and you’ll be heading back to the new place. Did you get everything moved in?” Jensen sips the energy drink he’s been nursing since we got here. He has a late game tonight, he and Kai both. Energy drinks and multiple cigarettes are his pregame ritual.

“Just about. Not like there was much to move once we sorted through all of Gramma’s stuff.” That was one of the hardest things I think I’ve ever done, erasing Gramma from existence. I couldn’t keep much of her stuff but I tucked away a few momentos, some of her favorite things.

Her memory will always be with me, and that’s all that matters. Even if I had the space, I wouldn’t keep a bunch of stuff. That isn’t me.

“Man, that’s gotta be rough. How ya doin’ with that?” I shrug. No need to dive into my emotions right now. Not sure I could handle going down that road even if I wanted to.

“I’m good. I’ve had a long time to prepare for it.”

“That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel something.”

“I know. Regarding that, I’m okay.” Jensen drops his head into a nod, letting me know he heard that statement completely for what it was. I’m not actually okay, but it’s not just Gramma, it’s everything.

“How many surfaces have you fucked on?” He asks, amusement thickly intertwined in his words. I shake my head. I should have known that would be his next question.

“Really, J?” The smirk he gives me is one that I would expect on Foxy. Hell, even that question is one that she would ask. I guess she is rubbing off on him.

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