Page 59 of The Jester and His Outlaw: Part 2

“In the downstairs bathroom in the middle of the night.”

“Yes.”

“Talk to me.” The way he says that is entirely too reminiscent of the way I said it to Charley, and I have to fight to keep the contents of my stomach where they belong. It barely works, but I save Jensen from the show. “Jesus, Riggs, what the hell? You’re as pale as the walls in here. Please tell me what’s going on.”

I try to remind myself that talking is normal, and J has never judged me in my life. He will not start now. “I was having a nightmare and woke up choking her.” The words come out easier than I expected. Jensen sits with me in silence for a weighted moment, my explanation hanging in the air. His face is a cool mask, frustratingly unreadable.

“Is she okay?” he eventually asks. I nod.

“As of right now, she’s okay. I’m sure tomorrow is going to be a different story.”

“And how are you?”

“All over the place. I feel fucking selfish and worthless.” The backs of my eyes burn, but I clench them shut. Crying will not help my situation. “I told myself that if I ever left her again, that was it. Not allowed to go back. I can’t keep doing that to her. It isn’t fair, and she sure as hell doesn’t deserve it. But please tell me how I’m supposed to be with someone, J. I’m fucking struggling here. I’ll never get that image out of my mind. My hand around her neck. And she forgave me just like that. Who does that?”

“Do you love her?” It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell him absolutely, without a doubt, but I’ve never been in love before. Is what I feel for her? Love? “Will you be able to go on without her?” he asks, knowing my inner turmoil.

A few seconds pass as I seriously consider my words. I would never put that sort of pressure on her, that if she were to leave me, I wouldn’t be able to live. But fuck, it would. Honestly she is the reason I held on.

“I love her. But—” Jensen holds his hand up, halting my words.

“It’s okay to love this girl, to be a little selfish and be with her. Charley gets you, bro. You’ve been honest with her. Being with you isn’t easy, and she still chose you. She knows there will be bumps along the way and she’s okay with that. Let her be okay with that. You are not a murderer, not intentionally hurting her other than trying to leave her every time something happens.”

“Shit. You’re right.” Because he is. Every time I shut her out, it only hurts her. I’ve put a lot of work into bettering myself, to learning what she needs and what we need together. Her first thought when this happened was if I was going to leave. If she feels anything for me like I feel for her, that has to hurt.

“That girl fucking loves you, Riggsy. I’m proud of the work you’re putting in. Even if you’re a raging dick with a lot of baggage,” he jokes and pulls out his phone. He pulls up Charley’s number and hits dial.

Proud of me. Holy shit.That thought chokes me up, but I don’t get hung up on it.

“What are you doing? Don’t wake her up.” He chuckles, the soft sound filling the small bathroom.

“She’s already awake. I told her I’d come check on you ‘cause she wanted to give you space.”

The door opens a minute later and the most beautiful, sleepy-eyed girl peeks her head in. Her black hair is wild, her hazel eyes shining, and those fucking freckles are popping off her flushed cheeks. Jesus, she is a sight for sore eyes. So beautiful it makes me ache with both love and the need to take her to bed and show her how much I feel for her.

My eyes fall to her neck and I’m thankful that there aren’t any marks left on her skin from my nightmare. I don’t know what I’d do if I’d left bruises there. The one on her hip was enough to do me in.

She has on nothing but one of my ratty shirts and some undies. I’d be a little jealous that my best friend gets to see her like this if I didn’t know just how much Jensen is into Foxy.

“Hey, sweetheart. How are you?”

“I’m good, J. Thank you for checking on him.” Jensen stands and kisses her on the cheek. With one last nod to me that tells me to be good, he leaves the bathroom and we are alone once again. I’m not sure what the hell to say, how to handle this situation right now.

Charley climbs into my lap without hesitation and I bundle her up in my arms, holding her as close to me as I can. I breathe her in, reminding myself how fucking lucky I am to have this girl in my arms and to never take her for granted. Someone like her will never come again, so I’m going to cherish every moment she plans to give me.

“Charley, I’m not good enough for you.” I voice my thoughts before I can stop myself.

“You’re everything to me, babe. Do you hear me? You are everything to me and more than good enough. No matter how many times you need me to, I will be there to tell you.” She buries her face in the crook of my neck, her warm breath a balm to the ache in my chest. This girl right here is all I will ever need out of life.

“Move in with me?” It’s impulsive and puts her on the spot. I know it does, but I can’t help it. She’s here after I fucking strangled her in our sleep. Not a minute goes by that I don’t want my sights on her or to have her wrapped in my arms. “I know the place is small and I know your parents are going to fight with you on it, but please, move in with me?”

Her response is immediate. “I don’t give a shit what my parents think, Riggs. You should know that by now.” That isn’t quite an answer, though.

“I will drop out of college and get a full-time job to support us. I don’t care Charley, I want you for myself.”

That makes her head jerk up, her brow furrowed like she’s about to tear a strip off me. “No, you won’t. I have my own money to pay rent. Your education is too important.”

My brain wants to fight her on this, but without an education, I know I will never be able to provide even close to the life she has now.

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