Page 94 of The Jester and His Outlaw: Part 2

Balance. I need to find the perfect balance between the two.

She hasn’t sent me away yet, but she also is sobbing uncontrollably and muttering incoherent thoughts.

I can’t take it anymore. In an instant, before she gains her better sense and tosses me out of the room, I’m sitting on her bedside. Our moment pauses when I finally feel her warmth beside me. It’s been days since I’ve given her space, suffered in my emptiness without her. Days since I’ve touched her. Too many days.

I peel her hands from her face and place them on mine to give her something to focus on. As much as she loves touching my cheek, I love when she does it. I do the same to her, holding her in place. When she makes contact with my cheeks, she only cries harder. My forehead meets hers and I suck in a shaky breath to gather my strength. Who knows if I’m going to say the right thing, but I need her to stop crying. I can’t take it. It’s killing me knowing that she’s so far removed from who she is that she doesn’t care who is witnessing her break.

Charley doesn’t break, and when she does, it isn’t for everyone to see.

My Outlaw is in there somewhere, and I need her back.

“I’m here, Outlaw. You don’t have to let me in if you don’t want to, at least not right now, but I need you to stop this. I need you to breathe, like we talked about. Remember?” I whisper, keeping this between us because we are the only two that matter. Her body trembles beneath my hands, her teeth chattering, cheeks wet, eyes puffy.

“I—I need a break, Jester. I need a break.” Holy fuck, I don’t think I can take this. I’m not strong enough to help her. I’m the one that needs her. That’s selfish, but fuck… Hurting her would break me.

This is breaking me.

If I say the wrong thing and mess this up… make her worse… I’ll never forgive myself.

“You’re going to get one, but it has to be on your terms, yeah? We’ll get you to a new room so you can sleep. I’m sure you’re exhausted, but I need you to calm down so they can do their job. Can you do that for me? Put this on pause for a couple of minutes so the nurses can get you out of here. Then I’ll hold you and never let go.” I kiss the tip of her nose, not able to stop myself.

I hope she’s hearing me, even if only enough to get her moved to a new location. Her sobs haven’t stopped, the tremors carrying throughout her body still as violent, but she’s looking at me. Her breathing is slowing.

“Good girl. Just like that. Focus on me. I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere,” I say just as much to myself as I do to her. We can do this. We’re together. She needs me, and that’s all that counts.

“Fuck, this is so hard,” Kai says quietly in the background. We’re in perfect agreement on that front. Seeing her like this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever faced.

“I know,” J adds gently. “I know, but Riggs has her. She’s going to be okay.” J’s confidence in me gives me hope.

“We’re ready,” a nurse says, patting my shoulder and parking a wheelchair by the side of the bed.

“We’re gonna go for a ride, Outlaw. You’ve got this.” She grips my face, pulling me in closer until our breaths have no choice but to mingle. It feels incredible, but I’m not letting myself hold on to the hope that she wants me back, at least not in that way. This is a fluke to get her through this moment and we could still end up friends. How I would ever be just friends with her, I have no clue, but I’d do it for her. She’s using me to ground herself and make it through this hiccup, which I will let her do. Anything to get this to stop.

She hyperventilates when I stand but easily calms herself with my guidance, clutching my hand tightly. She can squeeze it until it falls off for all I care. I’m not leaving her side.

We go a couple of doors down the hall and the nurses get her situated. When they’ve walked out, her eyes fill to the brim with tears once again and her chin quivers.

“I’m sorry!” she nearly shrieks, unable to hold in her hysterics. I lurch closer to her immediately. “Please don’t leave me. Please, Riggs, please.” Even if it sounds like the most painful sentence to leave her lips ever, it’s music to my ears. She wants me to stay. It seems like forever that I’ve been waiting for her to say this.

“Outlaw, take it easy. I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to be right here by your side.” My hands are back on her face, holding her to me. Fuck the rules. My girl is crumbling, and I need to be as close to her as possible. I prop my ass on the side of the bed, kick off my shoes, and haul the sheet over me. I wish she could feel the entire length of my body pressed against her, but I know she can’t and I will not mention it. A sob tumbles from her lips, and she pulls me in close to her.

This is the best thing in the world, having her in my arms, holding her like this again. It’s been too long.

A nurse walks in as Outlaw gets settled, nestling her face into my chest. I breathe in the scent that is her, the perfect escape from the sterile air we’ve been breathing for the past week and a half. A speculative look arches the woman’s brow, and I send her back a challenge, daring her to tell me to move after we’ve finally gotten Outlaw calmed down.

The smile she returns is tender, a syringe between her fingers. “I’m going to give this to her to help her sleep. She’ll be groggy for some time but it should help.”

I hate the idea of giving her anything at all, anything that could take her from me in any capacity, but I know she needs the rest. She’s been through enough. I could use the sleep myself, so I’m going to lie here and rest with her.

“Okay,” I say to the nurse, then place a kiss on my girl’s raven hair. “I love you, Outlaw. Get some sleep, okay?”

“I love you, too,” she murmurs and closes her eyes.

CHAPTER42

RIGGS

“What are you still doing here?”Her sweet voice scrapes through the air, hoarse and dry the next morning.

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