Page 83 of The Jester and His Outlaw: Part 2

A few minutes later, after Riggs settles into the room, the nurse comes back in with hands full. He helps her set everything down and arrange shit so it’s easily accessible… Story of my life now. Everything has to be planned and placed conveniently. Makes me sick.

“Okay, here is the water, some soap, shampoo, and towels. Please remember to limit twisting and turning. Lay the bed down to wash your hair like we did the other day.” She sets everything down on the moveable cart that sits next to me all day. We cleared my empty drink and food containers and all of my electronics. One good thing is I’ve been able to keep up with my schoolwork from here. The University isn’t happy about remote classes but this is the only choice I have if I don’t want the semester to go to waste.

“Thank you,” Riggs tells her, removing his hoodie to reveal his long arms that are already looking more defined. My mouth waters at the sight of him. He’s so sexy, but it’s pointless because I feel nothing else physically like I normally would. I swallow back the emotion because I’m sick of crying. My body is worthless now, constantly letting me down. He catches on, cocking his head to the side as the nurse leaves the room. The tension is heavy and thick, choking me. I hope he doesn’t mention anything.

“What thought just went through your mind?” he asks, a neutral expression on his face.Fuck.

“Nothing.” I rest my head back on the pillow and fight the torrent of anger and despair that bombards me. How can I tell my boyfriend that while I find him insanely attractive, I have no sexual reactions to him physically? Not that I can feel, anyway.

“Talk to me. It’s just us here. Foxy will be by later when I have to go to work. For now, let me in.” Placing his hip on the side of my bed, he leans over and kisses my forehead. My eyes fall shut as I absorb the sensation of his lips against my skin. I miss him so fucking much. He’s been here every minute he can, but still seems so far away. His touch, our snuggles… other things.

What I’m about to ask for, I’ll regret the moment I do, but I can’t stop myself. I need some semblance of what we were, something to give me hope. It will probably change nothing because even if I believe I will regain feeling, right now is too soon and I’m only going to torture myself. Torture us.

When I lay my head back on the pillow and close my eyes, Riggs nudges my hand. I sigh heavily, irrational annoyance spilling over into the space between us. I have no right to be upset with him. He’s done nothing other than try his best to love and support me, but I’m being a bitch.

“Stop, Riggs,” I grumble, unable to even bother looking at him.

“Nope.”

“Okay fine. Kiss me, Riggs. Please kiss me.” He does, and he rocks my fucking world, twining his fingers through my hair, cradling my head. This kiss devours my heart and my soul. Our tongues dance in perfect harmony like we’ve been kissing for years. We’ve done little more than a few pecks since I’ve been in the hospital and I’ve yearned for something to make me feel anything other than the emotional agony I’m locked in.

When he pulls away, he’s as breathless as I am. He frowns down at me and wipes moisture from my cheek. Shit, I didn’t realize I started crying.

“Holy shit,” I pant, ignoring the fact that I can’t keep my emotions in check.

“I know where you’re going with this, and don’t. Okay? Don’t.” His eyes flash with worry. Right there, that flicker of fear that he couldn’t hide slices me wide open. We’re never going to make it through this. Riggs is a sexual person. We both are. That’s how we connect. If we can no longer do that, what are we? “I’ve been doing research because I knew this conversation would come up. You can still have sexwhenyour fracture has healed. You may or may not have the same sensations, but other things might heighten. Like your nipples.”

He grazes my chest and my breath catches. The smirk that graces his lips is sinister and sexy. “There are things we can try when you’re ready, okay? We will have to learn what you like all over again. I’m fine with exploring with you. Finding out what you might like now. It might take a little longer to get you there, but I’m not afraid of some work.”

God, this man. Every time a new worry arises, he spends hours researching. Hours of his time to make me feel better. Well, and probably himself as well. But he has an answer for everything. It fills me with love and warmth, but I hate it at the same time. He has spent so much of our short time together as an actual couple caring for me. We were just getting to know one another and now this.

We’re ruined before we even got started. No way he’s going to stay with me.

Well, I’ve done some of my own research as well, like emptying my bladder and my bowels beforehand. How sexy is that? Using plenty of lube to prevent skin irritation and washing mygenitalsafterwards. Fucking on a pillow, so I don’t put pressure on things I can no longer control. I roll my eyes at my thoughts.Jesus christ. That really makes me want to rip my clothes off and explore my sexuality with him.

“Riggs, what are you doing here?” His eyes jerk to mine and he assesses me. There is a tick in his jaw and his lips are in a hard line. The fear he had a moment ago is back, but it’s different. He is well aware of where I am taking this.

“Outlaw, you need to stop with this.” His tone is firm, unrelenting. For now. “I understand things are very hard right now, but the accident only happened a little over a week ago. You are still healing from surgery, so your physical therapy isn’t that aggressive right now. But when you’re healed, I promise, you can push and push and push to get your legs back. You’re going to walk again, it’s just a matter of time.”

“You can’t promise that.”

“You’re right, I can’t, but I know you and your determination. You’ll make it happen. Look at the facts, time and hard work. I will be here by your side for everything.”

“But—”

“No,” he cuts me off. “Stop this right now. You will walk again, play again. You have to believe in yourself, okay?” I choose to keep my mouth shut because I’m so sick of hearing the same regurgitated lines and my hope is dwindling. Wallowing in self pity for a bit longer is what I want to do. Normally when I have moments like this, flashbacks or nightmares, I would go workout, get the endorphins flowing. I can’t do that. Never have I felt so weak and hopeless as I do now. The despair is overwhelming and my thoughts are getting darker and darker. I’m finding it hard to even feel better when Riggs is around.

The only thing that crosses my mind now when he’s here is how embarrassed I am for him to see me like this. I’m a hot mess. My hair is gross because instead of washing it every other day, I’ve only been able to wash it twice since I’ve been here. I smell because these little baths aren’t doing much in the way of actually cleaning me. My legs…

This isn’t shit I would normally stress over, but everything in my life stresses me right now. I’d kill for some makeup and a sexy outfit, but what’s the point? Not like I’ll be able to stand so he can actually see me in it.

“I’m here, helping you, and I’m not going anywhere. I love you, Outlaw. Do you hear me?” He cups my cheeks, forcing me to look at him. “You are the one I love. It was stupid of me not to tell you before because I’ve known for a while, but I didn’t know how to. Wasn’t sure I could trust myself with your heart. I don’t want you to think that I am just because we are here in this situation. I love you so much. It kills me to see you like this when you’re normally the one telling me not to give up.”

There it is. The one thing I hoped he wouldn’t say. Not like I haven’t known or that it would change much but him leaving is going to hurt more because when he does, that means he has fallen out of love with me and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.

Sure, he loves me now, but in the future when he’s tired of dealing with me… what then? His love will fade when he realizes the parameters of our relationship now.

When I remain locked, Riggs’ shoulders slump. I hate that I’ve ruined his confession, this moment. There is nothing I can do about it. I should swoon, jumping for joy that the man I love has declared his love for me, but dread fills me.

---