Page 19 of The Jester and His Outlaw: Part 2

I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to be driving in my condition, but I need to get out of the house. After all, I’m on a bike. If anything happens, it’s going to hurt me, not anyone else. Besides a headache, I have no other symptoms. Most importantly, my vision isn’t blurry. I may be a little more tired than usual, but nothing a good ride won’t clear up.

My morning passes by in a blur of trees with leaves sporting early fall colors, the echoes of my exhaust in the quiet countryside, and a few breaks where I stop to take in just how gorgeous the scenery is. Each time I stop, I yearn to be the one showing Charley the sights. She would love this trip I’ve made.

After heading a few hours in one direction, I stop at a gas station, grab a hotdog cooking on those rolling things and a bottled soda, empty my bladder and fill up my gas tank, then I head back toward home.

When I make it back to my apartment, with a clear mind but no plan other than dropping to my knees and begging Charley to forgive me, Jensen and Kai are sitting on my balcony surrounded by Chinese takeout containers.

“Why the fuck are you out driving?” Jensen asks instead of saying ‘hi’. I should’ve expected that. I’m not supposed to drive for at least a week.

“Your ass was working all day. Did you really think I was going to sit at home and do nothing? Life goes on.”

“Until it doesn’t because you’re out on your bike and have an aneurysm or something.” I plant my foot on the bottom step, debating whether I want to go up there. No way am I interested in getting scolded. He’s just looking out for me, sure, but I still don’t want to hear it.

“I could have an aneurysm at any point, J,” I say back, ascending the stairs at my pace. Riding calmed me down, and I stuck to my decision of getting my act together. However, I’m not ready to see Charley yet, and looking at Kai will not help. They look just alike––annoyingly alike.

“Whatever, just get your ass up here so I know you’ve eaten.” I trudge across the landing and unlock the door. Why J waited outside, I have no clue. He has a key. Maybe they just got here and were sitting outside for a bit. I don’t know.

Eating begins when Kai says, “You could’ve called Charley. She would have driven you around if you needed to go somewhere.”

My look at him is immediate, and I don’t mean to be a dick, but he must read something on my face that says otherwise because he drops his eyes to his food and shuts his mouth.

“I’m sure I could have, but I need to be a bit more put together before I involve her. Ya know?” I make sure my tone conveys I’m not upset with his statement and his body relaxes. Jensen eyes me curiously, and as much as it pains me, cautious hope is in his expression as well.

“No, I don’t think I do,” Jensen says, though I am one hundred percent sure he knows what I mean. He just wants me to spell it out.

“It’s either shit or get off the pot.”

“And by get off the pot, do you mean…?” Kai pales as he trails off.

“Yeah, yeah, I do, man. And with Charley in my life, that isn’t possible. It would devastate her.”

“And be selfish as fuck,” my best friend adds, knowing my triggers. I don’t miss the way his shoulders sag.

I pat Jensen on the shoulder and give him a kind yet sarcastic smile to let him know I appreciate him and Charley isn’t the only reason for my decision. I owe a lot to this fucker. “Plus, this asshole has done way too much for me.”

The smile Jensen gives me is small, and I recognize his pained relief. I’m sure he wants to talk about it more, but he doesn’t want to push me, either. This is probably tremendous progress to him and I would imagine feels like a farce. I’ve never really talked like this, so I hope he understands how serious I am.

But actions speak louder than words and, of all the people in my life, Jensen is the one who deserves those actions.

“You could just say that you want to live,” Kai adds, and a weird feeling settles over the room at how casually we are talking about ending my life. It’s always been that way with me, though—always an option. Morbid, but true.

“When I’m ready to say that, I will. It may not be healthy, but until then, it isn’t true.” I place my fork down after only a few bites, hoping my stomach will settle enough that I can get a little more in my system. If I don’t, there won’t be any left because there are two horses that will gladly chomp it all down.

“Fuck, that’s deep,” Kai mutters, scrunching his brows like he’s just tasted something nasty.

“You guys make it better. And Charley. I don’t know where I’d be, even if we aren’t on the best of terms, if I didn’t have her smile burned in my mind. It’s there every time I think about ending things. I don’t want to put the pressure of my life on you guys—that’s not what I’m doing—just saying I’m going to get my shit together. I want to get help, to be the person Charley fucking deserves, man.” I hate getting sappy because I’m not good at it, and I feel ridiculous, but I need to say these things.

I turn to Jensen and continue on since I’m on a roll. “And you, J, fuck, man. I’ve put you through hell. I can’t fathom why you’re still in my life, but I love you for it and thank you. For everything.”

He could say a bunch of things. I’ve given him enough ammunition over the years, but he doesn’t. He simply nods his acknowledgment of what I said and finishes it with a smile. “Shut up and eat, asshole.”

“Yes sir.”

CHAPTER9

“Foxy,what are we really doing here?” I ask, stuffing another link from my California roll into my mouth. It’s brimming with white sauce and so damn good. Just what I needed. Foxy always knows what I need, but she has given up little time with her guys lately to spend with me. So, I can’t help but feel like there is an ulterior motive here.

Not that I’m not excited to see my bestie, it’s just last night was not an easy one. Foxy dropped me off at my house early this morning, driving my Jeep back for me because I was way too tired to be behind the wheel.

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