Page 97 of The Jester and His Outlaw: Part One

“Riggsy, it’s J,” he says, his voice easy and low as he approaches with caution. He brings himself to his knees beside his best friend, who is trembling.

“J…” Riggs croaks, “J she’s gone. Fuck, she’s gone,” he sobs, his voice shaky and weary. He drops forward, but Jensen catches him. He sounds so fucking torn, ripped apart, so utterly fucking broken.

Foxy gasps, and her eyes go wide at his show of emotion. Kai moves in behind her, coiling his arms around her as she pulls me into her side.

I want to hold him, to be the one he depends on. I’m his and he’s mine. Didn’t we establish that? Perhaps it’s too soon and I just don’t bring him that comfort yet and that’s okay. Jensen has been in his life much longer than I have. I have to respect that. Try not to let it get to me. How can I expect anyone to grieve a certain way? That’s selfish.

“I know, buddy. I know.” Jensen pats his shoulder, his own face turning splotchy as he fights his tears back. This must be hard on him as well. He loved her, too.

I’m taking long slow breaths to keep myself calm so I can be strong for both of them, for everyone, when all I want to do is let him fall apart in my arms.

“I was fucking last night, J, while she was here dying, by herself.”

And just like that, our beautiful moment reduced to a carnal, savage act.

Jensen winces as his eyes find mine, and he shakes his head. Riggs’ words are so harsh, so unforgiving. Is that how he sees it? Is that what is going on in his mind right now? He hates me. That’s why he won’t talk to me. He blames me.

I turn to walk out of the room, my stomach in my throat.

“You couldn’t help that, and didn’t know when she was going to leave us, Riggs. Don’t say something you can’t take back. Charley,” Jensen calls.

I freeze, my heart pounding in my chest. Pivoting, I clench my eyes shut before opening them. Jensen is motioning me over. I shake my head and his expression turns pointed. “I have to go call this in,” he says.

I plead with my eyes. Hell, I’ll call it in. All he has to do is tell me what to do. I can’t face Riggs’ rejection, not right now. Foxy nudges me forward, and when I look at her and Kai, they both tip their chins in encouragement. Kai looks like he wants to scoop me up and carry me far away, but he doesn’t. This is a part of life I have to face. This was a possibility when I got involved with Riggs. I just didn’t realize his rejection would hurt so much in this moment.

---